Because of You

BECAUSE OF YOU: A JANE EYRE FAN-FICTION STORY

By 1000th Ghost, November 16, 2016

Word Count: 911 words

Summary: A meditation on the heartache of Jane Eyre for Edward Rochester.

 

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I will not make the same mistakes that you did 

    He had given in too easily. It didn’t matter how much he loved her. It wasn’t right. 

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery 

    Did he honestly expect her to stay? He knew she would never give in. What good would it do to suffer in his presence, knowing she couldn’t have him? 

I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard 

     She was torturing him. She was torturing herself too, but that didn’t matter. He couldn’t live without her. She was allowing his despair. 

I’ve learned the hard way to never let it get that far 

     But it could be prevented. She could go back. But she wouldn’t let herself. 

Because of you I’ve never strayed too far from the sidewalk 

     And yet, she wouldn’t let herself leave. 

Because of you I’ve learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt 

     As long as she wasn’t too far, she could let the idea safely play in her mind. 

Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me 

     She couldn’t even let them know her name. One false move, and he would know where she was. But what did she have to fear more: them or her own temptation? 

Because of you I am afraid 

     Why was she resisting so? Would it really matter to just let him, and herself, be happy? Why couldn’t she just go back? No! That was just the kind of thought that would ruin her. 

I lose my way, and it’s not too long before you point it out 

     And then there was St. John. He knew of her troubles and, as her cousin, felt it his duty to lead her to a better path. Missionary work. And marriage. 

I cannot cry because I know that’s weakness in your eyes 

     She supposed he thought he was doing good. But could he not see how much he was tormenting her? Never able to laugh, cry, show any emotion in his presence? 

I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life 

     But she needed to forget him. Mr. Rochester could no longer be the deciding factor in her life.  Therefore, she had to accept this new life with a smile. She had to. Right? 

My heart can’t possibly break when it wasn’t even whole to start with  

     What was she gaining by staying?! She knew perfectly well that her love, if that was what it had been, could never be. Mr. Rochester had a wife. What more was there to do? 

Because of you I’ve never strayed too far from the sidewalk

Because of you I’ve learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me

Because of you I am afraid 

     Was she forced to live her whole life this way?! 

I watched you die 

    She was selfish to even think of herself at all. If she felt this way, she could only imagine what he felt like! 

I heard you cry every night in your sleep 

     Every day she wondered: where was he? What was he doing?  Was he alright?  Could he survive without her? 

I was so young 

     Why was she the one he had to love? A girl less than half his age with no experience in virtually anything, much less matters of the heart.

You should have known better than to lean on me

     What was he thinking? Why had he trusted his heart to a little girl who could do nothing but break it? 

You never thought of anyone else 

     How dare he expect her to obey him!  Did he ever once stop and consider her feelings? 

You just saw your pain 

     Yes, she knew how much he was suffering, he had made that evident. But what about her? Didn’t he know that this was hurting her too? 

And now I cry in the middle of the night doing the same damn thing 

     He had every right to overlook her feelings! She was doing the exact same thing to him but worse. She was the one causing his pain. 

Because of you I’ve never strayed too far from the sidewalk

Because of you I’ve learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt 

     But what else could she do?! 

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything 

     She had to get him out of her mind. By any means possible. She couldn’t allow herself to continue living this lie. 

Because of you I don’t know how to let anyone else in 

     But how could she marry St. John? She couldn’t! She didn’t love him! 

Because of you I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty 

     She could never love anyone else because, regardless of everything, she still loved him.  No matter what she did, her life would never be more than an empty mockery of a doomed love. 

Because of you I am afraid

     Why was she so afraid? Because she knew that all he had to do was call her, and she would come running back.

Because of you 

     Back to him, to love, to life. 

Because of you 

     He called. “I am coming! Wait for me! Oh, I will come!” 

    She could resist no longer.

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