Fellowship & Fairydust

Editor’s Note: This is a Christmas reflection from the upcoming book, Fiercely Loved: Confessions of an AIDS Widow.

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As I am writing this, Christmas songs are playing on the radio, the tree lot is going full swing, houses around town are lit up, the holiday trolley is making its rounds, and friends and neighbors are putting up their Christmas trees. Taking in all this holiday cheer, I find myself remembering how much my late husband Tim enjoyed this time of year. Unlike the Grinch, he loved “the whole Christmas season!” Little wonder, he was such a kid at heart, the original “Toys ‘R Us kid.”

Tim didn’t go for elaborate holiday decorations. He was perfectly content with a simple Christmas tree strung with lots of lights and of course, our Star Trek ornaments. It really didn’t matter to him how many presents were under our tree. What made him truly happy during Christmas was turning down the lights and cuddling with me by the electric glow of the tree because Tim really grasped the words of Dr. Seuss’ “Welcome Christmas”: “Christmas Day is in our grasp! So long as we have hands to clasp!” Of course, now that Tim is in Heaven – he’s been there since 1995 – those words can be bittersweet. Believe me, I am super thankful for the five Christmases I had with him as his wife. But like anyone else dealing with the death of a loved one, the holidays can be particularly difficult; it can be so easy to think that Christmas just can’t be Christmas without them with us.

It is during such times my faith is vital, to refocus on Jesus as I remember that according to the Bible, I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses of the heroes of faith, and I am convinced that Tim is among them, cheering me on (Hebrews 12:1)! Just because, in Paul’s words, I see through a glass darkly (1 Corinthians 13:12), that doesn’t mean those who have gone ahead of us are in the dark about what is happening to their loved ones. Moreover, Paul reminds us in Ephesians 2:6 that God “also raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavens in Christ Jesus (CSB, emphasis added).” So in the way that truly counts, spiritually we are with our loved ones. It simply doesn’t matter if our earthly eyes can’t see our loved ones. If we listen to our hearts, we will realize we are with them and they are with us, which brings new meaning to Dr. Seuss’ words, “Christmas Day will always be! Just as long as we have we!” 

Even now, over twenty years later, I can still feel his profoundly deep love as he held me closely to himself. It took me a long time to realize just why he adored me the way he did. Now I can see that what I was feeling from him was gratitude for my love and acceptance. 

Tim loved people and longed to have a family, but years of childhood emotional and verbal abuse caused him to doubt his worth. As a result, he had engaged in self-destructive behavior, including sexual promiscuity that resulted in him becoming HIV positive.

Although he never said so, I am quite sure that after he was diagnosed, he felt certain he would never get married. After all, what woman would accept him with his diagnosis and his ongoing struggle with a sexual addiction? Forget the woman of his dreams.

And yet I did, or I should say, “I do,” regardless of his past, his HIV status, his inner demons, or our uncertain future. Honestly, at the time I didn’t think very much about any of those things, including my own personal safety. When preparing to get married, my only thought was, “If anyone is going to take care of Tim, it’s going to be me!”

Little wonder Tim responded so strongly and loved me so fiercely. From what I can gather, he hadn’t experienced that kind of love from someone who wasn’t a relative. To be honest, I was very young, rather naïve, and Tim was the first great love of my life and as I said, I really wasn’t able to appreciate at the time how someone as world-weary as Tim would treasure someone as innocent as myself.

Looking back, I am stunned to see how God used me to teach Tim what grace was all about. Although he was raised to know about Jesus, somehow the message of His boundless mercy and unmerited favor got lost, that somehow the announcement of the angels on that first Christmas of “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men (Luke 2:14 KJV) ” didn’t apply to him. But like the innocent Babe Jesus came into a sin-filled world on that first Christmas, God brought me, a relatively innocent young woman, into Tim’s life to demonstrate His unconditional love and show him, in Charlie Brown’s words, “what Christmas is all about.” No wonder our Christmases together meant so much to him!