~ by Avellina Balestri & The Traveling Troubadour
Los Angeles, California:
After years of being on the run from the diehard ‘hang-‘em-Kahn’ advocates, it has been confirmed that Ricardo Mantaban sought out sanctuary at the Celebrity Catholic Communion Breakfast hosted by the Los Angeles Century Hotel, and proceeded to bare his soul in a makeshift corner confessional to Pat O’Brien, everyone’s favorite hoodlum-loving priest, who was ready to relieve his burden.
Our operative managed to overhear him confessing in his south-of-the-border accent: “Forgive me, Padre, for I have sinned…I terminated Spock, luring him into our radioactive trap by telling him we found his long-lost, fanged teddy bear (that his Vulcan father got rid of when he was five, because he claimed it was stunting the boy’s non-emotional growth) at a Mexican flea market and were going to knock the stuffing out of him as a piñata!”
Tempering justice with mercy, the priest whispered in response, “You knew not what you did, but console yourself with the thought that Spock will rise again like Lazarus in the following feature film. Nevertheless, for your cruelty and mental torture of that childlike pointy-eared creature, your penance will be to find the teddy bear, ransom it, and make restitution by presenting it to its rightful owner upon his rejuvenation.
“By the way… I just got a tip from one of the East End Kids from the Bowery that the bear is on the auction block in Hell’s Kitchen! It is your solemn duty to retrieve it by bidding against the Star Trek convention crazies who will go into the pits of Gehenna to possess it for their collections… and furthermore, you must do so garbed in your original Kahn costume as a representation of the barbaric beast you would be if not for your recent journey to conversion!”
Knowing the possibility of being ripped to shreds by the ferocious S.T. relic hunting fan-addicts, Ricardo had replied, “Could you give me Last Rites while we are here?”
While these developments certainly are momentous, one must wonder where poor Ricardo went wrong in taking the “Path of Wrath”. Prior to his short lapse of professional judgment in taking a role that drew the ire of millions, he had been content to be a simple and appealing Latin lover, a Romeo Romero type who took harmless roles serenading hot tamales on their verandas and risking only the fatal shot of a father’s pistol, such as when he played a good thief and Robin Hood Hero in a Mexican musical aptly dubbed Sombrero.
However, after becoming the target of Spockiac lynch mobs, he was forced to seek out safe haven in Fantasy Island. He began anew as the well-groomed and gracious, impeccably dressed, white-suited host and got away from the mob by taking off in a stolen showroom model Cordoba that he was a pitch man for on TV commercials. He played the part of a disarming head-shrinker psychiatrist, welcoming an assortment of offbeat guests who had lost themselves somewhere along the line. With true charm, this amiable amigo reintroduced them to themselves while on the island of dreams (or perchance strange realities). He had a tremendous effect and, when it came time to leave, the guests carried their new fun-filled attitudes back home with them. He was also accompanied by his short side-kick who would point to the sky and coined the phrase in his alto voice, “It is a plane!” upon the arrival of the newest guinea pigs to land in their psycho-pleasant-people-trap.
In a correlating story, another one of our operatives has managed to track down the elusive Captain J.T. Kirk to ask him what he thinks about Kahn’s confession. It turned out that the pioneer of the stars had a little confessing to do, himself, about the last moments he spent with his stalwart science officer. His emotions got the better of him, prompting him to reluctantly release a portion of the security surveillance footage of that harrowing day.
Quarantined behind glass, appearing gaunt and ghostly, the aging Mr. Spock is seen slowly rising up and staggering towards the voice vibrations of his captain’s call from beyond the pane. Before melting away like a freezer-burnt snowflake in a microwave oven, and dissipating into the cosmos, he and the emotionally distraught Jimmy Kirk press hands against the glass, infusing one another with the Vulcan salute.
And then, in an ultimate Rosebud moment, Mr. S. utters his heartrending last words, “I have been, and always will be, your fa… fra…. And muttered distortedly, F..a..n..g..y!”
This exit scene seems to have completely overwhelmed the sobbing, Cowardly-Lion-faced captain and, as the helpless crew looked on, he proceeded to bawl like a baby while being coddled by the insensitive Dr. Bonehead, who was thrilled at the chance to use his favorite line: “He’s dead Jim… and he didn’t mean you! He meant his childhood Teddy Bear… I was holding it up above your head to try to revive Spock! His mother gave it to me in the event of grave circumstances, telling me that it had demonstrated healing qualities for Spock once before.”
Clearly too overcome with emotion to take it all in, the beleaguered captain is then shown raising his fist in the air and shrieking in an anguished call for vengeance: “KAAAAHN…!”
The power of the moment really can’t be over-stated; it seems to echo through the universe in a circuitous orbit, arousing the avenging angels of the Trek Nation… before slowly but heavily beginning to dawn upon him, like an anvil falling on his numskull – exactly what the Doc was trying to break to him in his moment of inconsolability. An extended lit dynamite fuse… that blows his supposed brotherhood to smithereens. “Fangy??!!”
Possibly due to this unsettling and befuddling – to say the least – on camera moment, the traumatized Kirk has become rather infamous for avoiding Fangy-loving friends’ funerals…
(Stay Tuned for the Full Story: “The Search for Fangy”)
For more fantastic articles from our latest magazine issue ‘Space’, please click on the below link:
F&F Fall 2019: Space