As the Taylor Family sat around their small homey dinner table one evening, wolfing down a hardy spaghetti dinner cooked by the one and only Aunt Bee, young Opie suddenly set aside his fork and knife to look at his father with dancing eyes.
“Pa,” he said, quickly wiping his mouth at a glance from the family matron, “I’ve been reading this book from the library about a detective who has all sorts of adventures while he’s tracking down criminals. Have you ever done anything like that, Pa?”
“Well…” Sheriff Taylor chuckled, blushing as he tried to avoid Aunt Bee’s mirthful little smile, “I don’t know if I could match anything you’ve read in a book, son…those books can have some pretty wild stuff.”
“Aww…come on, Pa!” Opie pleaded, “I just know you and Barney have caught some real bad guys! Remember the bank robbers from—”
“Now, Op…” Andy chided, “Aunt Bee doesn’t want to hear that at the dinner table.”
“Or the guys who tried to sell Barney that worthless old car!” the boy babbled on excitedly, “Or the old lady shoplifting at the drugstore!”
“Op!” Andy’s tone had a slight edge, “I said—”
“Oh, I don’t mind,” Aunt Bee spoke up, trying not to giggle as she gave her nephew an innocent look, “In fact, since it’s almost Halloween, why don’t you tell that one about how you, Barney, and Gomer tracked those thieves to the old abandoned house outside of town a couple years ago?” Her smile widened a tiny bit, “After all, when I was Opie’s age, I did love a good ghost story!”
“Well…” Andy chuckled, seeing that he was being ganged up on. “Alright.” He took a sip of sweet tea and wiped his mouth. “It happened a few years ago, son, on Halloween Night itself. You were out trick-or-treating with Aunt Bee, while Barney, Gomer, and I were tracking some thieves who’d come over from Raleigh.”
“Golly, Raleigh!” Opie’s eyes lit up, “That must’ve been something!”
“It was a clear cool night with just a few clouds in the sky and a full moon.” Andy took another sip of tea, warming up to his story, “We tracked ’em on foot so they wouldn’t hear us coming in the car and trailed ’em all the way over to that old abandoned farmhouse on the edge of town. Then we hid in the bushes to talk over our next move.”
“By the time we got there,” he continued, “they were pretty well dug in so we knew it was gonna take a good scare to get ‘em to come out.” His eyes sparkled a little, “Then we thought, since it was Halloween and all, that maybe we could make that work for us. Gomer noticed some old pieces of sheet metal just laying out on the front porch and I thought maybe we could use it somehow, but Barney wasn’t so sure.”
“Are you crazy?!” Barney looked thunderstruck, “You’re talking about going up there to that old abandoned piece of junk, on Halloween, and taking that stuff off the porch, on Halloween, and making enough noise to bring a couple violent thieves out, on Halloween—”
“You’re not scared, are ya, Barn?” Gomer asked, straight-faced and innocent.
“No, I’m not scared, Gomer!” Deputy Fife’s face turned scarlet, “I’m a deputy! Deputies don’t get scared in the line of duty, Gomer! I’m simply saying that those guys are seasoned criminals. I mean, working in Raleigh, they must be! Now, do you really think they’re gonna get scared of a couple pieces of rusty old metal blowing around in the wind? I simply don’t think it’ll work!”
“You sound scared to me, Barn.” Gomer smiled.
“I’m not scared!”
“Well, then why don’t we go up there and take a look around, Barn?” Andy suggested, trying not to smile, “You know, find out what rooms they’re in so we know where to direct our attack.”
“Oh, well…that’s a good idea, Andy,” Barney looked befuddled, turning red again, “You and Gomer go ahead and scout around the house. I’ll just stay here in case they slip out the back.” He swallowed hard, “I mean, you don’t want ’em slipping out the back way, do ya, Andy?”
“Nooo-no,” Andy agreed, “We can’t have ’em slipping out the back way.” He grinned. “But, you see Barn, since you’re a deputy, maybe it’s you that oughta come with me up to the house. You wouldn’t want something to happen to Gomer up there, would ya, Barn? Since he doesn’t have the same kind of official deputy-training that you do.”
“Goooolly, Barn” Gomer spoke up, his eyes wide, “Andy’s right, I don’t have any of the official training that you do.” He smiled widely, “But I’m sure glad that you do, Barn!”
“Shut up, Gomer.” Barney gave him a look, even as he colored with pride.
“Of course, you’re certainly right there!” he continued, “I do have official deputy-training. I mean, if anybody can handle the duties of a deputy—and not many people can—it’s me.”
“No, sir…” Andy agreed, “not many people can do what you do, Barn. Mayberry is awful lucky to have a man like you on the job.”
“Well, now, Andy,” Barney chuckled, grinning despite himself, “I don’t like to brag and all. I just try to do my job.”
“That’s right,” Andy agreed again, “and right now your job is to go up there with us and scout out where those thieves are.”
“But, Andy,” Barney’s eyes widened in horror, “what if—?”
“Come on, Barn!” Andy gave him a look, finally losing a little patience, “We need to get going or they will get away! Now, come on.”
Cringing, Deputy Fife swallowed hard but he couldn’t bulk now; he knew Andy was right. “Alright,” he mumbled, hanging his head for a moment while he made a little show of checking on his holstered and unloaded gun, “Let’s go.”
The three men crept silently forward and made it to the front porch without detection. Then they warily began pulling the stripes of metal off the porch.
“Oooo,” they called, as they shook their stripes, “Oooo.”
The front door began to open.
Then I woke up.