My Dear Lauggas,
Do you know what I just finished doing? I just finished reading through some reports about how my little devils are handling their assignments in the field. I got these reports from my secret—well, you don’t need to be concerned with where I got them. What you should be concerned with is the fact that the report on your performance was downright shameful. I mean, really, I can’t even begin to describe how surprised I am at your ineptitude. Do you know why? It’s because I’m not at all surprised. I’ve always known that you were a stupid moron. Seriously, how could you have slipped through Temptation University with the types of grades that you must have gotten? No doubt, you probably received some extra credit when you were caught fixing your grades.
Well, your little grade fixing scheme won’t help you now that you’re in the field, will it? You cheated and lied your way through school and now you can’t hack it in the real world, can you? Of course, you can’t. Unfortunately, that’s the type of paradox that I’m used to seeing in my best and brightest demons. You idiots scheme your way through school, lying, cheating and occasionally knocking someone off, then you get let loose in the field and you’re not prepared for to fight the Enemy—and I’m talking about really fighting Him, not the little skirmishes that you and your fellow morons have been having. Mark my words, you stupid fool, one of these days—and unfortunately, it’s a day only the Enemy knows—I’ll have to lead you worthless little cretins into battle, and I’m sure that you won’t be able to hack it.
Of course, I’m ready and willing to do everything in my power to prevent my victory being taken away by a bunch of worthless inept morons, so I intend to lend you every resource at my disposal. Did you realize that I’m willing to help you little backstabbing cheaters once you’ve lied and killed your way through school? No? I didn’t think so, You’re too worthless to have picked up on that. Well, let me tell you, I care about you so much that I’m not about to let you go down without some good solid advice. Of course, if and when—in your case, I’d say when—you do go down anyway, then I’ll have no problems with turning you into my next main course. Have I made myself clear?
Now, let me get back to this disgraceful report about your recent activities—and just so you’re clear on where you stand, I have the report right here in my talons.
It says here that not long after your patient received the gift of speech from the Enemy, he did something silly and all the other Talking Varmints laughed at him. It further states that when your patient asked the Enemy if he had made the first joke, the Enemy replied that your patient was the first joke. Now, here’s the really troubling part. The report reads that your patient was quite thrilled with the idea of becoming known—for all time, I might add—as the butt of the first joke in this newly established horrible world that the Enemy has created. In other words, the report states that you utterly failed to take advantage of the situation that you were presented with.
How could you let this happen? Surely, even with all the grade fixing, lying, cheating, and killing that you did at school, you should have picked up on the rather mundane rule that vermin don’t enjoy being picked on or laughed at. Surely, that lesson stuck in your little peabrain, didn’t it? No, I suppose not. You’re just the type of imbecile that wouldn’t learn something so basic as that.
I mean really, you’d think that if the Enemy was going walk around spouting off things about harsh words arousing anger and humble varmints being exalted and varmints who are full of themselves being humbled then He would have created them to act accordingly. Well, let me tell you, that’s what I would have done, but the Enemy didn’t ask about my never humble opinion.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, so let me just make it clear that you’re wrong. You’re thinking that the Enemy must have created your patient differently than He did all the others because your worthless varmint reacted happily to the idea of being the butt of some harmless ribbing. Well, let me tell you, you ignorant little fool, the Enemy did not create your patient differently. He acted that way simply because you didn’t handle the situation correctly.
I mean really, I can just see your hideously ugly face right now. You’ve got a stupid silly little grin on your face and you’re, no doubt, thinking that you’ve got things under control, am I right? Of course, I am. Well, let me just assure you that you don’t have things under control. This isn’t the safe atmosphere of Temptation University where you worthless imbeciles can hone your craft under the watchful eyes of some of the lowest members of my lowerarchy.
Oh sure, if I were in charge, things would be different, but, for now, I have to rely on you and your fellow morons to harass those vermin who are in His camp. Of course, if you’d bothered to attend classes, you’d know this, wouldn’t you? But you didn’t attend classes, did you?
Well, luckily for you, I have no intention of losing the war against the Enemy because some little know-it-all cretin, that’s you, thought that he could blow off his schooling and not listen to those demons who were lower than him. Don’t you realize how special you are to me? I mean really, I singled you out to help you. Mark my words, if I didn’t care about your performance so much, you’d be on my dinner plate right now—as it is, I’ll just wait until your failure is official before I eat you.
Let me give you a quick lesson. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, I hope so, but I bet not. You’re so worthless that I bet you don’t realize what’s at stake here. You just better be glad that I care about you so much. Although, be warned, I have a lot of other things to do down here so, naturally, I don’t want to waste time on helping some moron who didn’t bother to go to any classes while he was at school. In other words, I demand your undivided attention.
Today your patient displayed a very loathsome characteristic called self-control. It is an enormous character flaw—at least for me—but the Enemy loves it dearly. Obviously, that’s why I hate it. Fortunately for you—and more importantly, me—self control is not a natural habit for the vermin, so it can be easily corrected.
Do you know what I can’t stand about a varmint who has self-control? I’ll bet that you can’t because you’re so stupid. Well, I’m sure that you would know if you’d bothered to attend classes at Temptation University, but you thought you were too good for my venerable teachers, didn’t you?. Well, now you’ve really messed up and there’s nothing you can do but come crying to me. Isn’t that right, you worthless ingrate? Of course, it is.
Well, anyway, I’ll tell you, the reason that I can’t stand a varmint with self-control is because they tend to be more discerning than varmints that have a delightful lack of it. Self-control, unfortunately, makes vermin more sensitive to both the Enemy’s voice and my voice. They tend to understand what is from the Enemy and what is from me more quickly than those who lack this loathsome trait. Obviously, this means that they aren’t as easy to work with.
On the flip side, a varmint without self-control is the best. In fact, I think they’re truly my favorites. Of course, every sin has its usefulness, but without self-control, anything can be used to tempt a varmint. Sinfulness can run rampant in varmints without self-control. That’s why it’s critical that you correct your mistakes. Your patient will be lost to me if you can’t coax him to be out of control. Of course, I’ve undoubtedly lost your patient anyway, given your incompetents.
Now, I’ll bet that you’re so stupid that you don’t have a clue as to how a lack of self-control can be used to benefit you, and, more importantly, me. Well, let me just rattle off a few examples off the top of my head.
If a varmint lacks self-control in his temper and something happens that they don’t expect—such as your patient being made up to be a fool in front of everyone—they can be led into uncontrolled Anger. Didn’t you know that Anger is one of the most prized tactics at your disposal? Uncontrolled Anger is one of those tactics that is an instant winner for my side. It doesn’t need to be slowly nurtured into maturity before it will create dividends for you—and, more importantly, me. Although, slow festering Anger can lead to something great called Resentment that can provide years of important entertainment and, in the end, make you quite successful.
As a second example, if a varmint lacks self-control when they sit down to eat a meal they might turn into a Glutton. Gluttony is just as much fun to grow in a patient as Anger and, interestingly enough, you can suggest to a gluttonous patient that he should be angry with other varmints for making him the glutton that he is. It’s really a very good joke since no varmint can be made sinful unless they want to be, no matter how hard another varmint might beg.
Of course, the great sin of Gluttony covers a multitude of things that have nothing to do with eating—appetite is actually the correct word. Gluttony is an excessive appetite for whatever a particular varmint desires. The list is pretty much endless. There’s lust, gambling, drinking, buying lots of things, and so many others that I can’t possibly spend time explaining it all. Did you know that Temptation University has a class on Gluttony? Of course, you didn’t—you never went to even one class, although, I’m sure that you passed all of them under delightfully dubious circumstances.
Let me give you a third example, just to drive my point home. If a varmint has no self-control, then you can suggest that he become Slothful. Sloth is another word for being lazy or taking the easy road. See, oftentimes the Enemy will allow a patient to be in, shall I say, difficult circumstances. If you ever find yourself tempting a varmint in that situation, it’s quite an easy thing to suggest to them that they should take the easiest possible way though their difficulties. That is, of course, not what the Enemy says–He prefers that they allow Him to show them His way out, whether it’s easy or hard. But heck, do I care what the Enemy says?
Of course, the odious virtue—as the Enemy calls it—of self-control can only come about when the vermin are willing to surrender control of their whole lives to the Enemy, and that includes the things that they just know that they have control of already. Isn’t it just like the Enemy to say that having self-control is really giving HIm control? I mean really, it’s enough to make me want to blow my top.
Anyway, you must carefully avoid allowing your patient to discover that his appetites are born of his own desires. In your case, you should have nurtured your patient’s Pride to make him think that he is too good to be made the butt of a harmless joke. If you had handled your job correctly, then your patient would think that he was completely in charge of his affairs and he wouldn’t see any need to hand his entire life over to the Enemy. Of course, you didn’t handle your job correctly. You completely blew an assignment that should have been an ace in the hole.
Let me tell you, I would have been so pleased if you’d been able to turn your patient’s heart toward Anger and Resentment when all the other vermin, including the Enemy, laughed at him. Of course, I don’t get to have that pleasure, do I? You’re such a worthless loser that you couldn’t even pull off the simplest of temptations, could you? Well, let me just say that the Enemy may love your patient’s cheerful heart, but I can’t stand it. In fact, I think that I’m going to be sick over your woeful performance.
But, as I’ve stated repeatedly, I’m completely committed to helping your worthless hide out of the pit that you’ve dug for yourself.
Now, don’t get that cocky grin that you were famous for having at Temptation University on your face. As I’ve stated before, you don’t have the slightest control over this situation–in fact, you had your chance and you blew it. Now, you’re completely at my mercy—and, ironically, that’s a trait that I happen to lack entirely. I mean really, you remind me of what your patient should be.
Do you know why you remind me of how I’d like your patient to be? A varmint with no self-control is quite often overly confident. Is that bad, you ask? Well, not for me. In fact, that’s why I never bothered to throw you out of Temptation University when you displayed your cockiness for everyone to see. I just made a mental note to make sure there was a plate big enough for your ego when I get to dine on you. You see, when a varmint has an over abundance of confidence, then they start thinking that they don’t need anyone telling them what to do. In other words, they think that their way is the best way, or even better, the only way. Of course, you devils in the field need to be smart enough not to fall for your own temptations, but I can see that you’re a complete failure at this.
But back to my point, if a varmint blocks out all other voices, including the Enemy’s voice, from their mind, or they let themselves think that they have, then, quite naturally, they start listening to me. I really have to laugh at this particular joke because the vermin who fall into this trap keep saying that they don’t need to listen to anyone’s advice while, all the while, they’re really listening to me. Remember, all vermin listen to someone—either me or the Enemy—whether they admit it or not.
Now, listen closely, you buffoon, because this is incredibly important. The Enemy knows how vital self-control is to His master plan, so He’s constantly telling those varmints in His camp that they need to practice having it in everything that they do. Of course, I, being the brilliant Devil that I am, have developed a tactic to suit my purposes, using the Enemy words against Him.
See, to my way of thinking, self-control isn’t a bad thing to have—at least in some things. I really don’t see the Enemy’s point about having self-control in everything but, as you well know, or at least you’d better know, the Enemy and I don’t see eye to eye on anything.
Just remember, I don’t have any qualms about the vermin giving part of themselves to the Enemy, Do you know why? It’s because it’s the best joke around. No varmint can serve two masters—it’s either me or the Enemy. And, of course, to my delight, so many varmints just don’t get that.
Let me give you some examples as to how this ideally works. Say, there is a varmint who has decided to go on a strict diet or maybe there’s one who has decided to ignore their breeding urges until they’re married. Well, that’s fine, as long as they blow their top if some other varmint criticizes their decision or makes fun of them.
Or take it the opposite way, say that some varmint is gentle and sweet and polite, well then, hopefully, they’ll have gluttonous eating habits or be willing to shack up with the opposite gender at the drop of a hat, or have a desperate need to own lots of things, or any number of the other things that I don’t have time to mention.
Now, I’m sure that you’re wondering how this is useful for my side? Well, it’s really quite simple—then again, if you weren’t such a stupid moron, I’m sure that you’d realize that.
See, the vermin have the delightful misconception that if they practice self-control in some things then they have self-control in the way that the Enemy desires. What a joke. I just crack up everytime I hear about this occurring. They just don’t understand that if the Enemy doesn’t have complete control of their despicable lives, then I’m still a viable contender for their soul. It’s only those little snots who have given themselves completely over to the Enemy that, unfortunately, I can’t have.
Did you realize that is, in fact, the only reason that I’m not dining on you at this very moment? Yes, I’m going to let you hang around and harass your patient until the Enemy comes for him even though I know perfectly well that he is lost to me.
Now, before I let you get back to harassing your patient, I’d like to mention one more very important point.
When a varmint declares that he is in the Enemy’s camp but lacks self-control, he’ll start to lose his ability to influence the other vermin. This is because most other varmints have a base understanding of some of the things that the Enemy likes, so when they see one His own not doing those things, then they’ll toss that varmint off as a liar and a hypocrite. Well, I ask you, is there anything better than a liar and a hypocrite?
You do know what liars and hypocrites are, don’t you?
Well, turning your patient into a liar and a hypocrite would be extremely important for my side. In fact, since your varmint is in the Enemy’s camp it’s, unfortunately, the only card that you can play so it’s absolutely vital for you to produce this desirable effect. If I can’t have your patient, then you’d better see to it that he doesn’t convince other varmints to join the Enemy’s ranks. You’ve already let the perfect opportunity slip away and I will not allow you to blow it again. Got that, you stupid fool? The next time I read a bad report on you, you’ll be sorry for the rest of eternity.
Of course, I completely understand that your lack of academic study has hampered your abilities thus far but I’m willing to overlook that because of the fine record of cheating, lying, and backstabbing that you accumulated while at school. Of course, as I already stated, I can’t allow such a fine record to be further tarnished by the kind of inept field work that you displayed today, so don’t hesitate to get in touch with me if you have further questions. I really care about you, after all.
The Great, Terrible, Irresistible, Horrible Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Lauggas is named for Laughing Gas, which is Nitrous oxide (N2O). A colorless gas with a sweet odor and taste, it’s used as an anaesthetic, a propellant in whipped cream cans, and an oxidizing agent in racing cars. In the late nineteenth century it was often used by doctors as an anaesthetic, and is still used by dentists.
In the late eighteenth century, it found a place at parties in upper-class society as a recreational drug. When inhaled in quantity, it causes disorientation, euphoria, numbness, loss of motor coordination, dizziness, and ultimately, unconsciousness. Party-goers enjoyed the effects of euphoria and slight hallucinations. It was considered a safe thing because ill effects weren’t reported. Obviously though, inhaling nitrogen instead of oxygen isn’t a good idea. Asphyxiation is possible if the gas is overused.
I also picked the name because the Jackdaw, unlike lots of people, didn’t mind laughing at himself when he was dubbed the first joke.
Bible verses: Matt: 24:36-51; Mark 13:32-37; Prov. 15:1, Matt. 23:12; Luke 22:31; Rom. 7:14-25; Prov. 13:16-17; 15:31-33; 16:1, 20-23; 17:24, 27; 18:21; 19:1; Gal. 5:16-26; Prov. 17:19; 12:24; 14:23; Rom. 8:1-8; Prov. 18:12; 17:22, 14:16; 26:12; Matt. 6:24; Luke 16:13; Prov. 20:11; 27:21