My Dear Narci,
I can’t believe how stupid you are. Well, actually, I can, but that’s beside the point. I mean really, I just can’t believe that you had to ask me for suggestions on how to tempt your patience. Are you really so stupid as to not know that for yourself? Look at your patient, you fool. Look at her. She is the most beautiful Female that this world has ever seen—so beautiful, in fact, that if she looks into a body of water, her reflection stays in said body of water for over a year.. How could you be so dumb? How could you be so inept? Do you seriously need me to tell you what temptation would be most effective on her? Has all the training you received at Temptation University been for nothing? Did I waste my valuable time when I scribbled my signature to your diploma?
Seriously, do you know what kind of trouble you’ll be in if I find out that I wasted my valuable time on a worthless moron like you? I mean, do you not have any inkling about how important I am? Do you suppose that I’m just twiddling my talons down here waiting for one of you fools in the field to accidently bring some varmint in for my dinner? Of course, I’m not sitting back waiting, you fool. In fact, if it weren’t for me and my timely intervention, I just know that I’d be starving right now.
Of course, such is my lot when I have a bunch of fools waiting on me. Things are so unfair. Does the Enemy suffer from such inept worship of Himself? Do His servants forget that He is everything that He claims to be? Of course not. Unfortunately, all of His employees know exactly who He is and they give Him all the credit He deserves. I, on the other hand, am forced to clean up the messes that you idiots make.
Do you realize how bare my table is right now? Well, let me tell you, it’s not my fault. If I were out there in the field, I don’t doubt that my cup would be overflowing with the blood of varmints that give me all the credit that I so obviously deserve. Unfortunately, for me, I’ve left the job of mundane temptation to idiots like you. I mean really, things are totally unfair. And don’t you dare tell me that the Tree the Enemy had planted is the source of your failure, because I won’t tolerate excuses.
I just can’t understand how I could have wound up with such lousy employees. I mean really, if you idiots knew how important I am, I’m certain that I would be on the Enemy’s throne, where I belong, instead I’m writing letters to worthless morons who continually blow their assignments.
Of course, there’s another little unresolved issue that keeps me restless. Do you know what that is? Of course not, you’re a miserable fool.
Well, let me tell you. The thing that keeps me restless is the fact that I’m constantly having to check up on you worthless imbeciles to make sure that the Enemy hasn’t called any more Human varmints in from another world. The last time that happened, things turned out horribly for me. And since the last time was on the day that He created this world, I haven’t ever caught a break from the ramifications of that travesty.
You’d better not forget to keep your eyes and ears open. I want to know right away if some Human varmint from another world comes to this world.
Well, anyways, the thing is that I care about little worthless punks like you. In fact, I think that you’re so incredibly special and that you deserve as much time as I can possibly give to help you fix this mess that you’ve made. That’s why I’m writing to you now. I’m so glad that you came to me when you needed help. Now you can stop worrying about how stupid you are and just relax. I have your back and always will. I just care about you so much. That’s why I’m here. Ready and willing to help you through this nightmare of your own ineptness.
Of course, you must also understand that I’m only helping you because I’m very interested in eating your beautiful patient’s soul and, thanks to your recent mistakes, that plan is in jeopardy.
Did you know that I’m actually pleased to hear from you? Your question reinforces what I already knew—that you’re a worthless fool and I should be getting ready to dine on you. I mean really, even the Enemy says that any fool can look smart if they have the sense to keep their mouth shut, but you just had to ask a stupid question and now I have proof that you’re a moron. Of course, make no mistake, I’ve always known how dumb you are.
You know, I would have had more understanding if you had come to me right away, but you thought that you were equipped to deal with anything that came your way, didn’t you? You tried to put yourself on my level, didn’t you? Well, how far did that get you? Is your patient on her way down to me or not? Well, let me tell you, that’s what you get for thinking that you’re the best thing since fire and brimstone, isn’t it? You end up having to come crawling to your master—that’s me—and beg me for my amazing advice and skills to turn your disaster around.
Well, let’s get down to business, shall we? In fact, I’ll just come right out and say how it is that your patient can be tempted and then, with any luck, you’ll stop bothering me. Oh, if only I were that lucky, but I have a sinking suspicion that it won’t work. You’re just too stupid, after all.
Anyway, you should tempt your patient by suggesting that she think of herself as the greatest thing since fire and brimstone—in fact, I would like her to think as you’ve been lately.
Now, isn’t that a funny joke? You and I know—or at least I know—that I’m the only one who is of any importance in this world. Of course, that’s why it’s so much fun to suggest that the vermin think they are important. You see, if they share my attitude on this matter then they’ll naturally be drawn closer to me.
Of course, looking at the absolute disaster that you’ve made of your patient makes me positively sick. Your patient takes after the Enemy, you know?
You see, the Enemy cares nothing about what a varmint looks like, or how smart they are, or their reputation in the eyes of other varmints. He just doesn’t care. He’s not at all like the vermin that He, unfortunately, loves so much. In fact, you could say that the Enemy sees the vermin one way and the vermin see each other in another way. But, get this, the Enemy loves all of them anyway and He uses each varmint’s supposed flaws to turn them into something that is beautiful by His standards. Let me tell you, it’s disgusting.
Now, how does your patient take after the Enemy, you ask? Well, I can’t believe that I need to tell you. If you weren’t so stupid, you’d already know the answer. You’d just better be glad that I care about you so much and that I’m willing to help you out of this jam that you’re in.
But I digress. Your patient thinks like the Enemy because she cares nothing for her fancy clothes or hairstyles or her lofty title. She doesn’t care about putting on the kind of airs that I find desirable. She doesn’t stare at her lovely face or go around to a different body of water everyday to leave her mark whenever she can manage to slip away from her royal duties. I mean really, can you imagine the kind of discord and jealousy that would be wrought in the varmints who inhabit the waters of the Enemy’s chosen country if your patient kept visiting the same places over and over? I just get giddy every time I think about it.
Of course, my giddiness never lasts long because, let’s face it, at present you haven’t given me anything to be giddy about.
No, thanks to your bumbling foolishness, your patient cares nothing for her own lovely face and body. Instead, she treasures her gentle and quiet spirit. I mean really, I just want to scream whenever I hear about your patient kneeling down to talk to some lonely or infirmed varmint or when she takes nourishment to some varmint who is sick. And when she lets someone that she has never met hang out at the palace or gives her royal gowns to someone in rags, oh, flames just burn in my throat. Just imagine my horror at these sights—and you’d better imagine it because misery loves company and I’m just miserable.
I mean really, I don’t deserve to feel miserable because I’m so awesome, but since I do and it’s all your fault, naturally, I’m going to drag you down with me.
Now, did you realize that your patient isn’t following the normal vermin way of thinking when she does these atrocious acts of love and service? Surely, you know that vermin are generally self-serving and self-loving. I mean really, didn’t you know that “looking out for number one” is such a common statement that it’s considered cliche?
I’m telling you, it would be so simple for you to suggest that your patient remember that she is a Queen, a royal figurehead, set above everyone else, to rule the Enemy’s chosen country any way that she likes. Doesn’t she know that a Queen shouldn’t reduce herself to visiting the rabble of society? Doesn’t she know that she’s putting her health at risk when she visits those varmints who are sick? Doesn’t she know that those varmints who lack nourishment are simply lazy bums and if they chose to get off their duffs then surely they would have plenty to eat and drink. Why should she stoop to help someone who clearly lacks the incentive to work? She is a Queen, after all. I mean really, it would be such an easy thing for you to suggest that she is much too important to help the lowest of the low.
Now, to be certain, the things that I’ve told you are in conflict with what the Enemy says, but hey, why would I say anything that the Enemy would agree with? I mean really, are you so stupid as to think that I agree with the Enemy on anything? Of course, you are. That’s why you’re having so much trouble now.
Well, let me tell you, the Enemy tells the varmints in His camp that if they do the obnoxious things that I’ve listed above, then they have really done those things for Him. He also says that if someone does those above mentioned horrible things, then they may well have entertained someone who works for Him. That’s why it can be hard to get the varmints in His camp to not be helpful and encouraging and loving to a varmint who has less than they do. They’re just so keen on pleasing Him that they don’t mind disregarding their own position in society. Of course, don’t forget, you worthless ingret, I said it can be hard, but not impossible. Don’t ever give up on hounding your patient into submission. I’m too hungry to put up with failure.
Well, anyway, can you believe that? Varmints, like your patient, completely ignore a natural impulse to associate with other varmints who are on their same social level, or even better, a higher social level, and they end up living out the Enemy’s philosophy about the the humble being exalted and the exalted being humbled. Your patient is, quite frankly, the worst example of this horrid way of thinking. After all, she’s a Queen but she has no qualms about setting aside her own wants and needs whenever any old smuk comes along.
That kind of thing just can’t be tolerated by you and it certainly won’t be tolerated by me. It would be one thing if I was expecting you to go out and convince her to do something that went against the natural varmint impulse but looking out for number one is simply what varmints do. I mean really, how are you not able to entice her to do something that should be so natural? By me, you’re a stupid fool.
Well now, I’ve just reminded myself of a question that I’d like you to answer. I can do that sometimes, you know, because I’m simply brilliant. Of course, I’m sure that you won’t be able to answer correctly because you’re completely witless, but hey, I’m not one to be concerned with that. In fact, I enjoy pointing out the shortcomings of the morons who work for me.
Do you know what the Enemy’s argument is for keeping the vermin in His camp from wandering away from Him? No? Like I said, I’m not surprised. Let me tell you how He does it so you might have a fighting chance at getting your mistakes corrected—although, you’re pretty stupid, so I doubt that it’ll work.
Anyway, He keeps them in line by telling them to remember that they are, in fact, a big bunch of nothing without Him. He says to remember that He gives them everything that they have and He asks them to give away the things that He has given them as freely as He Himself gave to them in the first place. His philosophy is that the vermin in His camp shouldn’t mind giving things to other vermin because the things that they’re giving away are His—as in, not theirs—in the first place.
Can you believe that? I’m telling you what, I wouldn’t put up with Him calling me a worthless varmint so you’d better make sure that your patient doesn’t either.
Now, I’m sure that you’re very confused by all this. I mean, not only are you a stupid imbecile, but you’re also one of mine and nobody on my side has the capacity to understand things like loving others as yourself or giving others the best things while you get along with whatever junk is left over. I mean really, why would anyone in their right mind do something like that? But that’s why I’m here for you.
In fact, that’s why I wrote this letter and now that I’ve covered everything that you need to know to get your beautiful patient back on a path that leads her to me I’ll sign off. However, let me first tell you what my ideal for your patient’s life is. I think that having the correct image in your head will help you envision all that is possible for my side when dealing with a varmint who is as beautiful and well-positioned as your patient is.
See, I would enjoy watching your patient horde up all the things that she has and keep them only for her own use. I would also be very pleased if you got her to believe that she has all the things that she has because she worked hard for them and she deserves them and she should be the only one to benefit from them.
Do you know why this is my ideal picture for your patient’s life? It’s because if she hoards up all that the Enemy has given her for her personal use then she will be doing the opposite of what the Enemy Himself would do, and naturally, that would bring her closer to me. Also, if she starts thinking that she deserves all the things that the Enemy has, unfortunately, blessed her with and if she starts thinking that she is responsible for obtaining the blessings that He gave her then she’ll start measuring her identity against all her great things and she’ll be totally dissatisfied if–or more likely when–she stops getting more things. Now that’s the type of mindset that pleases me the most. A dissatisfied varmint’s soul is one of the richest delicacies that I eat down here.
Let me tell you, if you could turn your mess around and accomplish my ideal then I’d probably take a few million years off the punishment that I’m going to give you for messing up in the first place. Of course, with your record, I’m not concerned about that happening.
But I’m anxious to hear about how my timely intervention has worked out for you. I’ll tell you, you’d better be glad that I’m as smart and caring as I am. If I hadn’t noticed you struggling there’s no telling how mangled your assignment might have become. You’d better be glad that I’m as great as I am because you really made a mess of things. Of course, naturally, I’m not at all surprised because you’re simply an idiot.
Anyway, keep me informed as to your progress–as I said, I’m anxious to know how close you are to bringing your patient’s soul down to me. Then again, I have a suspicion that you won’t be successful in implying my timely advice and I’ll lose out on eating your gorgeous patient’s soul. Oh well, as I said before, I’ll just eat you.
The Sensational, Amazing, Preeminent, Inexorable Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Queen Swanwhite is the third and final in-between character that we only hear about in The Last Battle.
Narci is named for Narcissus, or more properly, the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I really couldn’t help but give that name to Swanwhite’s demon since her reflection stays in the water for a year and a day after she looks at herself in the water. Narcissus probably would have killed for a gift like that.
People with a narcissistic personality think of themselves as the most important person in the lives of everyone they come into contact with. They also have a need to feel admiration from everyone and lack empathy toward others.
Bible Verses: Prov. 17:28; 1 Sam. 16:7; 2 Cor. 12:9-10; 1 Peter 3:3-4; Matt. 25:31-46; Heb. 13:2; Luke 14:8-11; Roman 8:16; 1 Cor. 4:7; Eph. 2:8-9; Phil. 2:5-11; Matt. 7:12, 22:39, Mark 12:31, Phil. 4:11-13; Luke 12:16-21