My Dears Div and Orce,
Did I read the field report on you two buffoons’ recent performance correctly or could my spy—err, a passerby that just happened to notice and then just happened to mention to me—have gotten it completely wrong? Tell me you haven’t messed up as badly as I’m sure you did. Tell me and tell me now. I have no patience for lazy nitwits who don’t confess to bungling their assignments, especially after I’ve confronted them.
Yes, that’s right, you morons, I know very well that you’re both too stupid to get such a parly assignment done to my satisfaction and I’m sure that my spy—err, the passerby—was right. I mean really, I could just scream when I think about how quickly a century of fun and great meals can come crashing down on my head. And all because a couple of idiots like the two of you can’t handle their assignments.
Well, do you know what? I, unlike you two worthless ingrates, was not at all surprised by recent events. Do you know why I’m not surprised? Of course you don’t. You’re both lazy brutes. You see, I know—and I see your patients know—that the Enemy will, unfortunately, always keep His promises. Of course, I see that neither of you seem to have mattered that very basic lesson and, let me tell you, I’m spitting fireballs right now because of it.
Let me tell you, if either of you were as smart as I am, you’d have seen this coming and you’d have been more competent in your attempts to distract your patients from learning about the Enemy and then passing their knowledge on to those Human varmints from another world.
Oh my me, I can’t believe that you let this happen. How could you not know the Enemy’s signs and lines? How could you not know them? I mean really, Temptation University even has a class on the Enemy’s signs and lines. Of course, you didn’t attend class, did you? I’m not really surprised though. None of my best students attend classes but they all pass with flying colors.
Well, anyway, regardless of the fact that you didn’t attend your classes, this particular sign is so easy that even you two worthless idiots should have picked up on it. Now, if that doesn’t prove what I’ve said all along, I don’t know what does. You’re both worthless morons.
Seriously, there are four Human varmints from another world running around in the Enemy’s chosen country. Yes, that’s right, four of those mostly hairless bipeds that the Enemy loves have been called from another world and are currently chatting away with your patients. Don’t you remember what the Enemy said about two little Males and two little Females coming here from another world? Don’t you remember?
I mean really, your patients can quote the Enemy’s lines better than you can. Seriously, I just knew that when you both cut class everyday it would spell disaster once you entered the field. Well, as usual, I was right. Oh my me, this situation in the Enemy’s chosen country is bordering on out of control for my side. Of course, I really don’t have control anyway, unless some stupid varmint lets me have control of them.
Let me tell you, it’s so much fun when that happens.
Seriously, what you should have been doing, after your patients invited those four Human brats into their home is to suggest that they begin to nag each other about this or that. It’s quite effective to suggest such a thing occur when you have two patients who live in such close proximity to one another.
And, of course, such a tactic is quite productive too. If your patients had been thinking about and arguing over some grievances that they have amongst themselves, do you think that they would have been focused on teaching those four brats from another world all about the Enemy? Of course not.
Now, I certainly recognize that you were both just being great demons when you graduated from Temptation University without even sticking one talon in a classroom, but where has that lackness gotten you now? You’re completely undisciplined and, let me tell you, you’ll suffer for that.
Of course, being that you were both such great student demons, I must say, I hold you both in very high esteem and I’m sure that, with my timely and extraordinary advice, you’ll both get your patients back on the right track—that is the track that leads them down to me.
But, let me shift gears for a moment. I’ve just learned a critical bit of information. You should both already know about this news because your own patients were discussing the matter with the Human varmints from another world, but, of course, you weren’t listening, were you? And you don’t know, do you? Of course you don’t. You’re both much too stupid to realize that you should be paying attention when your own patients are discussing matters of eternal significance.
Don’t you know how moronic you both look when you’re caught whispering amongst yourselves and not paying the slightest attention to the matters that your own patients discuss? Don’t you know? Well, let me tell you, you look dumb enough for me to get my ovens warmed up.
Now, since you’re both so stupid, I’m going to go ahead and share the little tidbit that I heard from your patients’ own lips. I wouldn’t ordinarily help employees who are as moronic as you two are but, as I just mentioned, this little matter has eternal significance, and not just here in the Enemy’s chosen country, but across this whole world.
Anyway, the little tidbit that your patients just mentioned in the presence of the Human vermin from another world is this…the Enemy Himself has landed in His chosen country.
Now really, how could you have missed that coming out of your patients’ lips?
I mean really, can you even imagine the fireball that shot out of my mouth when your patients revealed that terrible news to the Human varmints from another world? Can you imagine it? Of course, you can’t. You’re both too stupid.
Of course, you’re also to stupid to understand why another fireball exploded from my jaws upon seeing how you let the news pop out of your patients’ mouths without a second thought. I mean seriously, you didn’t even suggest that they should think twice about revealing the Enemy’s whereabouts or His place at the center of their lives.
I mean really, I can’t even imagine what this world is coming to, what with idiots like the two of you in the field.
Now, I don’t doubt for a moment that this little rumor about the Enemy’s return is actually a fact. After all, my friend the Witch has been ranting about how all her snow has been melting at a previously unheard rate. And, of course, I’m sure that you’re both familiar with what the Enemy says about what happens when He bares His teeth and shakes His mane? Surely you’re both familiar with those lines, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Of course, you aren’t. You’re nothing but worthless imbeciles.
Let me tell you, I’m just stunned that your patients know this stuff better than you do. If either of you were worth your salt, you would have been competent enough to use their close living arrangements into something useful for my side. Instead, they’ve become model teachers for the Enemy’s side. It’s truly a travesty when something like this happens.
I’m telling you, with your patients’ ability to quickly distinguish when the Enemy’s paws are all over something and when my talons have made scratch marks on something else, they are a dangerous pair. And now, to my horror, they’re sharing all their knowledge with the vermin from another world and, I’m sure, that these four little varmints will keep these lessons in their hearts and minds forever.
Now my most fervent wish is that these four Human varmints from another world will make a quick exit from the Enemy’s chosen country. The quicker they leave this world the less your patients will teach them about the Enemy.
Of course, I have precedence on my side, don’t I? After all, the two little brats that were here on the very first day haven’t come back, have they? Of course not.
But, I digress. Did you know that the Enemy would say that your patients have lived by faith their entire lives? They’ve never seen the Enemy, but they know He’s good. They’ve never seen a green blade of grass or a delicate flower bloom, but they long for Spring. Well, I’m sure that this is only possible because both of you are inept fools.
However, I don’t want either of you to worry about these huge gaffs you’ve made over the last few hours or, more precisely, all of your patients’ lives. I’m right here to lend you all the support that I can muster. Do you hear me, I’m completely at your disposal.
Of course, I must also add one small unavoidable fact. If you mess up again, then you’ll be the ones at my disposal and, believe you me, I’ll dispose of you.
Did you realize that the little varmints from another world hadn’t even heard about the Enemy before your patients caught up with them? I mean really, I just cracked up when the older Female asked what kind of species the Enemy usually masquerades around as. Do you understand my point? Those Human varmints from another world didn’t know the Enemy before your patients met them, but now they’re beginning to know Him. And, like I’ve already said, I have a feeling that those varmints will all turn their lives over to Him and let Him control their destinies.
Of course, quite naturally, I’ll hold both of you responsible for that.
Don’t you suppose that if your patients were more focused on some grievance that they had between themselves they would have spent less time chatting with the Human vermin about the Enemy? Of course, they would. In fact, those varmints would have wanted to get out of your patients’ inhabitation so fast that even with this ghastly Spring thaw, they’re feet wouldn’t have touched liquid water as they crossed the ice.
Oh my me, what your patients displayed today was a disgusting amount of love. They not only loved and protected the four brats from my friend, but they also showed love for their country by telling these four brats, who the Enemy has said will one day rule His chosen country, about Him. Lastly but, unfortunately, not least they showed great love for the Enemy Himself. They’ve been faithful to Him without ever seeing Him. It’s just such a great failure for my side when vermin like this are not handled correctly and you will both certainly pay dearly for your serious lapse in judgment.
I mean really, how can I make inroads into His beastly chosen country when its leaders have learned to be faithful to Him?
And to think that all of this is happening after the great fun and productivity that my side has enjoyed over the last century? I mean really, it’s enough to make me want to scream.
Well, I’m not about to go down without a fight. There’s a war on the horizon and every soul in this world is at stake. In fact, right now, I’m issuing a call to arms and all my stupid moronic employees better respond with their best work. My side may be hamstrung by the Enemy because, unfortunately, we can’t move unless He allows us too, but I have no doubts that He’ll allow our two sides to fight a battle. After all, He just loves to prune away the dead branches in the souls of those vermin in His camp, and hey, how can you tell where the dead branches are if you don’t shake the tree a little?
Of course, for me, dead branches are awesome. Death is my calling card. That’s why I kill all the vermin who are unfaithful to the Enemy.
Now, since there is a war on the horizon, I’m not going to punish either of you worthless imbeciles yet. I need every moron that I can get to help me counter the Enemy in battle. Who knows? This battle might just be the end of things for my side. I can’t imagine that, after a whole century of fun and achievements, but the Enemy’s grand plans are always woven in a mysterious design so I really can’t be too sure.
Anyway, since your patients have been assigned the task of teaching the Human vermin from another world about the Enemy, I’m going to give you two morons favored status. Oh yes, I will surely lend you any help that I can give. All you need to do is ask. In fact, I shall be like the Enemy in this regard. He has told His vermin that they could ask Him for anything and He would give it to them. Well, that’s what fiends like you have in me—a constant friend and helper. I’m telling you, just ask and you’ll receive, seek and you’ll find, knock and every door will be opened for you.
Of course, if you imbeciles mess up any more, you’ll quickly be reminded of my true nature, which is just the opposite of the Enemy’s. He is loving and willing to forgive and His aim, when He rebukes His vermin, is to help them to become more like Himself.
I, on the other hand, have no interest in forgiveness or love—whatever they are. If you two worthless ingrates are so foolish as to mess up your assignments again, I’ll order you for dinner so fast that you won’t know what hit you.
Of course, I’ve already lent you a helping hand, just like I said I would. I’m telling you, it’s the kind of help that only someone as marvelous as I am could pull off. You see, my friend has already made contact with the younger Male and she,unlike you two imbeciles, was able to turn that varmint’s heart towards my side in just one meeting. I mean really, if that doesn’t point out how stupid both of you morons are then I don’t know what does.
I mean seriously, do you know how gratifying it was for me to see that little Male sneak away from your patients just so he could be with my friend? Now that’s the type of productivity that I need, but rarely get, from all my employees.
You can be sure that while that little Male is with her my friend will continue to draw him farther and farther away from the Enemy and I’m still laughing about the awesome performance that I put on in order to make all this happen.
I mean really, while the other three vermin are learning about how the Enemy’s wisdom is, supposedly, far better than money or power, that little Male will be learning just the opposite from my friend.
The funny thing is that my friend pulled off the perfect lie when she met that little Male in the woods. Obviously, she has no intention of making that stupid younger Male into a Prince or King and, of course, he’ll undoubtedly lose his life if he continues to follow her.
It’s just exactly the opposite of what happens when a varmint follows the Enemy, you know. He saves the lives of His followers.
Of course, make no mistake, I’m still very nervous about that younger Male’s fate. I mean just because he’s been enticed by and is seemingly interested in what my side has to offer him, the Enemy is still lurking out there. And, of course, as your patients have so horrifyingly told the other three vermin, He can still save that younger Male.
What a horribly unfortunate truth your patients have revealed to those Human vermin from another world. I mean really, no matter how far my side pulls a little varmint away from the Enemy, He has the power to reconcile Himself to them. I’m just very concerned about how He might go about doing such a thing. I mean, I just know that whatever He does will be revolutionary and completely change the way that things are done in this world for every age to come.
Now, as I said before, there’s a battle on the horizon and everyone of my worthless imbecilic employees is going to be on the front lines. I need to go make sure that my ovens are stoked to their hottest temperatures because, whichever way the battle goes, I’m sure to be feasting soon. It just remains to be seen whether I’m going to be dining on unfaithful vermin or lousy employees.
And, don’t forget, you both have favored status in my book, so don’t be shy if you need my help. After all, what do I care if I string both of you idiots along for a little while longer? Your fate has been sealed under my serving platters ever since your patients turned themselves over to the Enemy.
The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Div and Orce come from the word, “Divorce”. As I started writing this chapter, it occurred to me that the Beavers’ good marriage isn’t the critical aspect of what they bring to the story. They’re critical because they’re the first ones to mention Aslan to the Pevensies. Their mentoring enables the kids to get to know their Savior’s character, even before they personally meet Him. I think that by the time Peter, Susan, and Lucy enter Aslan’s camp they’ve been told every story about Aslan that can possibly be told. I decided on Div and Orce because I think that if the Beavers got preoccupied with internal marriage strife, they wouldn’t be thinking about introducing the Pevensies to Aslan.
Bible verses: Gal. 5:16-17; Deut. 11:18-20; Prov. 6:21-22, 7:3, 22:6; 2 Tim. 1:5; 2 Cor. 5:7; Luke 22:31; John 15:2; Rom. 11:33; 1 Cor. 2:9; Matt. 7:7; John 14:14, 15:7; Psalm 103:10-13; Prov. 3:11-12; 6:23; Heb. 12:5-6; Rev. 3:19; Prov. 16:16, 17:16; Ecc. 7:12; John 3:16-18; Heb. 7:25