My Dear Schizo,
Oh, how I hate you. Let me count the ways.
The first, and really only reason that I hate you is because you’re a complete idiot. I mean really, do I need another reason to hate you? Of course not.
You had the perfect set up, you worthless fool. Seriously, you couldn’t have been placed in a more ideal situation for bringing your patient down to me. You had it made, you moron. But could you handle your patient? Of course, you couldn’t. You’re an imbecile.
I mean really, didn’t your patient spend his young years among vermin who think that I’m worthy of worship? Wasn’t he raised by and among vermin who hate the Enemy almost as passionately as I do? I mean, of course, how could anyone hate the Enemy more than I do, but at least it’s gratifying to know that I’m making some headway in taking over this world.
Not that I’m satisfied with owning the hearts and minds of only one nation, mind you; I won’t be satisfied until I’m seated on the Enemy’s throne and every knee is bent and every mouth acknowledges me as the ruler of this world.
Well anyway, let me get back to your colossal flub. I really can’t understand how such a talented demon like you could have messed up as badly as you have. Seriously, every report card that you received at Temptation University was perfect. How could a demon that did so well at my premier educational facility not be able to handle such an easy assignment?
And, what’s even worse, you’ve had the opportunity to work closely with some of your greatest colleagues. I mean really, you’ve always had access to help whenever you needed it. Didn’t you work closely with the venerable Stonefish until your tempting tactics really started to unravel? Of course, you did. And wasn’t he able to clean up the messes that you continually made while you worked with him? Of course, he was. Stonefish knows how to bring in the goods.
Why didn’t you follow his example? Why didn’t you encourage your patient to devote himself to the frivolous study of poetry or some other ridiculous activity that the vermin who worship me think is so important? Why did you just sit on your backside while Stonefish tried to manage both his patient and yours? I’m telling you, Stonefish knows how much I like to eat young varmints so, even those he was attached to an old geezer, he did his best to lead your young one astray too.
I mean really, that’s the trouble with you young nitwits. You’re always making messes of your assignments and then you expect those demons who are older and wiser and far better at doing their jobs to clean up after you. Well, guess what, you moron? Stonefish isn’t there to help you anymore, is he? Of course, he isn’t. He’s back there in that country that worships me. Yes, that’s right, you idiot, he’s doing his job and he’s doing it well. You’re a real stupid fool for letting your patient ride away from the influence of Stonefish’s patient. Oh my me, you’ll surely pay for messing up so badly.
I mean really, you should have seen this coming. Wasn’t your patient constantly looking toward the north? Don’t you know that the two countries to the north of you have tons of vermin who love the Enemy? I mean really, didn’t Stonefish constantly have to send his patient over to correct your patient’s curiosity about the northern lands where so many vermin love the Enemy with all their hearts and minds? So, answer me this, you stupid nitwit. How could you not have seen this coming?
Why didn’t you follow Stonefish’s lead and suggest that your patient mind his own business or keep his mind on the task of helping Stonefish’s old geezer become a bigger fool than he already is? Why didn’t you encourage your little brat to become a greedy self-centered pig like Stonefish as coaxed his patient to be? Why didn’t you suggest that your patient simply suffer through his clearly unfair miserable life and not worry about changing his circumstances for the better?
I mean really, how could your patient have figured out that, even though his life was terrible and his position in society low, the Enemy is always prowling around, just waiting to make things better for those vermin who accept Him.
I’m telling you, it’s just exactly the opposite of what I would do. I steal and kill and destroy.
Seriously, hot flames shot out of my mouth when your patient learned that the Enemy is compassionate to all the vermin who wait for Him to act and who know that His blessings are new every morning.
How could you be so worthless? How could you be so inept?
Didn’t you know that vermin who long to live in another place do so because they’re created to live in another place? Have you forgotten who your patient really is? Did you let all your years of working so closely with some of your most esteemed colleagues lull you into a false sense of security? Did you really believe that the Enemy couldn’t call one of His own out of exile? Did you just assume that He wouldn’t bring one of His own varmints home? Did you forget that He is perfectly capable of fulfilling His promise concerning your patient?
I mean really, if that doesn’t classify you as a moron, then I don’t know what does.
Oh my me, I just knew that my plans to eat your patient had unraveled when your colleague, Nyct’s, patient showed up. I mean really, even the great Stonefish couldn’t have rescued you from the mess you made that night. Well, all my demons should know that they have to stand on their own feet so you can’t blame Stonefish for this disaster of your own making. I’m telling you, Stonefish has helped you more than he should have—and that’s why he’s going to be punished for ten thousand years.
Well, how does that make you feel? I bet you could care less, right? I’d better be right. Why should you care if Stonefish is punished? I mean really, he only saved your scaly little worthless hide from becoming my dinner about a billion times. Well, you’d better not care what happens to him.
But, I digress. Let me get back to your utter failures. I’m telling you, I just knew that Nyct’s patient would lead your patient away from my dinner table. Nyct is undoubtedly just as incompetent as you are. But his patient isn’t the only one that your patient has made contact with, is he? Of course not.
You moron. You imbecile. You worthless fool.
Let me see, your patient also made contact with your colleagues, Poliomy and Orp’s, patients. Didn’t you know that Poliomy and Orp are complete idiots? Didn’t you know that? I mean really, doesn’t it take one to know one? So how could you not have known that you were traveling with fools? I mean really, how could you let this happen? Well, this travesty is one of your own making and you’ll certainly pay dearly for your grievous errors.
I mean seriously, even the little squabbles that the four of you tried to sow between your patients didn’t do anything to tear them about. I’m telling you, that’s what happens when the Enemy Himself brings vermin together.
Of course, for a while there, you and Poliomy played off of each other pretty well and your patients were at each other’s throats because of it. I’m telling you, their arguments was like music to my ears. But, as you well know—or maybe, you’re to stupid to know—varmints arguing back and forth isn’t going to bring them down to my dinner table. However, in this case, it was very helpful because it sowed seeds of Resentment and Hatred in your patient. I’m telling you, I just cracked up every time your patient felt Resentment and Hatred toward Poliomy’s patient because he thought that her life was better than his.
I mean really, what makes it especially funny is the fact that Poliomy’s patient’s life is just as miserable as your patient’s life. But, just like most vermin, your patient only sees what’s happening on the outside. Only the Enemy has access to the inside of all the vermin and you can bet that His goal is to change their heart to be more like His own.
Unfortunately, that’s what’s happening in your patient now. Those seeds of Resentment and Hatred are dying and, I’m sure, that it’s all your fault.
Oh my me, things are quite different between your patient and Poliomy’s patient now, aren’t they? Those two varmints have hung out together for so long and they’ve been through so many trails together that they’ve actually come to know and understand each other. Well, you two morons better not start thinking that their nearly constant bickering will be helpful to either of you. Mark my words, their closeness will become a huge problem for both of you.
I mean really, when my spies reported that four of my dumbest morons were traveling together, it was enough to make hot fireballs explode from my mouth. But, do you know what’s even worse than four bumbling idiots having to work together? What’s worse is how the four of you came to have to work together.
I mean really, didn’t you recognize that it was the Enemy Himself who was chasing the four of you that night? Didn’t you recognize Him?
Oh sure, none of those varmints knew it was Him but you and your colleagues should have known. I mean really, even when He takes other forms, like He did when He was with your patient outside the Capitol city that’s named after me, you should’ve known it was Him.
For my sake, He’s the Enemy.
How could you, a demon who sailed through Temptation University with flying colors, not know the Enemy when He’s right in front of you? Or behind you? Or beside you? Don’t you know that He’s everywhere? Seriously, He could’ve been above you or beneath you and I’m sure that you wouldn’t know it was Him. You’re such a stupid fool. I mean really, don’t you know that He hems in those vermin who love Him? How could you not know it was Him chasing the vermin that night?
Surely you remember that He’s had His paws all over your patient’s story from the very beginning. Surely you remember that even when your patient was just a tiny little brat, the Enemy Himself made sure that he was safe.
Don’t you remember that?
Well, anyway, isn’t it frustrating how the Enemy can change forms so easily? I mean, think about it. When He was in His natural form, He was frightening and unapproachable to your patient and the other varmints. In fact, they were all terrified of Him, weren’t they? Of course, they were. But then, He decided to become a much smaller, weaker, more helpless, and, quite frankly, more pathetic version of Himself and, all of the sudden, your patient wasn’t at all afraid to make contact with Him for the first time.
I’m telling you, that’s the Enemy for you. He just loves it when one of the vermin that He created reaches out and strokes His back or cuddles up with Him. He knows that when the vermin come into contact with His great love and comfort then He can win them over to His side. And then, unfortunately, the vermin can possibly conclude that His nature is exactly the same no matter what form He appears in.
I mean really, can’t you see that’s what happened to your patient, now that he knows who the Enemy is and what He’s done for him?
And what, I should ask you, were you doing while your patient was cuddling with the Enemy that night among all the worldly remains of those vermin who I’ve been gorging on? Well, my spy says that you were trying to make contact with those dead fools who worshiped me right down to my dinner table.
You stupid fool, didn’t you know that I don’t regurgitate the vermin that I’ve dined on? Oh no, they’re forever mine, once they’ve ended up under one of my dinner platters. Oh sure, right up till then, they have their chance to make it to the Enemy’s Country but once they’re on my table they won’t get away.
Anyway, you should have known that. You idiot.
But, let me backup just a bit now. Did you have a nice chat with your colleague, Lary? I should think that you two would have had a lot to catch up on, since you haven’t seen him since your patient was taken away from the crib that he once shared with Lary’s patient. Well, hey, since those two little bratty varmints didn’t have a bit of trouble chatting up a storm, I figured that you and Lary probably got caught up too—because neither of you fools were doing your jobs.
I’m telling you, you should have suggested that your patient be jealous of Lary’s varmint. You could have suggested that your patient start an argument with Lary’s patient because he was envious of that little brat’s social position and good life. Wouldn’t that have been hilarious? Because, in reality, your patient actually outranks Lary’s patient.
I mean really, it’s enough to make me want to laugh.
It also would have been funny if Lary’s patient had started boxing with your patient. I’m telling you, that little brat that Lary is in charge of has a nearly uncontrollable temper. It’s absolutely hilarious. Just about anything will set him off. And, of course, that little brat is quite a fighter too. He’d knock your patient for a loop in less time than it takes for me to tell. Undoubtedly, that would have helped you sow more seeds of Resentment, Hatred, and Self-Pity in your patient.
It would have been awesome if you and Lary could have teamed up to pull off a big fight between your two varmints but, of course, you’re both too worthless to have managed that.
I’m telling you, why can’t you pull off such simple responsibilities? Are you really that miserably inept? Of course, you are.
Oh my me, I was just relieved that neither of those little brats figured out the great secret that I’ve worked so hard to protect. All the fires in my country wouldn’t be hot enough for the two of you if those two little brats had figured out my secret. Well, let me tell you, it wasn’t because of your splendid work that they didn’t figure it out. I mean really, I’m sure it was just dumb luck.
Of course, it doesn’t matter now, does it? They know who each other is now, don’t they? Of course, they do.
Well, let me tell you, the bad part about your patient realizing his true identity is that now he can really know how much the Enemy cares about him and that He created him for a special purpose. See, the Enemy puts a special emphasis on names and He has a history of changing the names of varmints whom He Himself has changed.
And you can bet that He has always known your patient’s real name. After all, didn’t you hear Him say that He’s been waiting a long time for your patient to speak to Him?
I think I’m just going to explode with rage. All my hard work down the drain. Can’t you do anything right? Can’t you? Can’t you?
And don’t even get me started on Poliomy and Placebo’s patients. You can be sure that I’ll take care of your colleagues for their hapless effort too.
Anyway, let me get back to your moronic troubles. You’re such a moron that I’m sure you didn’t know this but you still have work to do. Oh yes, you can still infect your varmint with great things like Resentfulness and Anger. I know, I know, it seems really stupid that a varmint could be made to resent his early years, especially when his later years are pretty good, but it happens all the time.
It would be wonderful if you could manage that. You could suggest that your patient still feel Anger toward Lary and Poliomy’s patients for living their young years in luxury while he was slaving away for Stonefish’s patient. You should also put the suggestion into his head that Everyman’s patient didn’t try his best or use all his resources to find your patient after he was stolen. That would surely reinforce my idea that your patient has been dealt a losing hand in life.
And yes, you fool, these suggestions are perfectly useful. They work all the time. Even on patients whose cups are overflowing with the Enemy’s love and goodness.
Isn’t that hilarious?
But, do you want to know what isn’t hilarious? Your performance, that’s what. I mean seriously, how could you have blown such an easy assignment? Oh sure, you worked in a blissfully scorching environment with so many of your esteemed colleagues and your old neighborhood was a virtual who’s who of members of Temptation University’s Honor Roll, but you’re so worthlessly inept that your patient was able to waltzed right through all the temptations and then he came into contact with two of the Enemy’s strongest ambassadors.
Seriously, you’ve heard of what the Enemy did to save that younger Male ruler who your patient met in that Capitol that’s named after me? Didn’t you know that the older Female ruler watched, with her own eyes, the biggest event that the Enemy has ever carried out on behalf of all the vermin? Haven’t you heard about these two hideous varmints who love the Enemy so much? Aren’t you aware that they’re related to an older Male and a younger Female who are just as horrifying as they are?
Well, now your patient has meant that younger Female too and I’m quite sure that he’ll meet the older Male very soon. I’m telling you, this is undoubtedly all your fault.
I mean sure, those four varmints—who are from another world—are living hundreds of miles away from where you’ve been working all this time, but, unfortunately, they’ve become very popular in this world and many vermin have joined the Enemy’s ranks because of them. I’m just positive that you must have heard about them. Oh my me, this is a real travesty for my side.
Say, didn’t you know that the events surrounding those four varmints’ ascension to their thrones is simply too hideous for me to relate? I mean seriously, I just wither with rage whenever one of my employees does such a horrible job that I have to remind them of how precarious our situation is down here. Don’t you realize that I can’t afford even the slightest error being made? Once some varmint gives themselves to the Enemy, that varmint is lost to my dinner table and there’s simply nothing that can be done about it.
Well, I’m sure you weren’t paying the slightest bit of attention, but did you happen to notice when that younger Male ruler outlined his plan to get that hot older Female ruler away from your colleague, Jester’s, patient’s clutches? I’m telling you, it would have been so great if Jester’s patient could have gotten ahold of that ravishing older Female ruler and started influencing her to do the things that he’s doing. I was so sure that Jester could get his patient to lay claim to that gorgeous older Female ruler. Oh well, at least he’s managing his own patient well.
Unlike you, you idiot.
Well, anyway, when that younger Male ruler devised his plan of escape, he inadvertently gave your patient some very critical information, didn’t he? Did you pick up on that? I bet you didn’t. You’re one of my biggest fools, after all. Well, you can bet that the Enemy planned things to turn out this way. It’s just like Him to do something that awful. I can just see how He set up your patient up to be in that room, at that time, with those two varmints from another world.
Let me tell you, I could have just screamed when you failed to divert your patient’s attention away from that younger Male’s conversation.
I mean really, your patient sat there and filled his guts with the food and drink that those two varmints from another world offered him and was all ears to begin devising a plan to help them foil Jester’s patient’s plans? Oh my me, how inept can you be?
I’m telling you, when I found out what your varmint was planning to do to spoil Jester’s patient’s plans, I nearly exploded with fury. I mean really, you should never have let your patient leave the influence of Stonefish’s patient. None of this would have ever happened if your patient was still wallowing in self-pity, like he was while he was doing Stonefish’s patient’s bidding.
But do you want to know something else that makes me want to explode? I just hate it when a varmint learns that the Enemy doesn’t let any little varmint sail through life in comfort and luxury. That’s a grand misconception that we’ve been able to spread around, isn’t it? Lots of vermin think that they’ll live worry and trouble free lives once they’ve joined the Enemy’s ranks. Luckily, for us, when some of those varmints learn the horrible truth, they opt to return to doing things that I like. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case with all vermin. Some of them end up being like your patient.
Well, I’m telling you, your patient’s attitude is entirely your fault.
I mean really, the Enemy allows every little varmint to struggle and stumble and fall down and get up again, doesn’t He? Every varmint goes through tough times. The Enemy allows both sunshine and rain, no matter if a varmint likes His ways or my ways.
So why weren’t you able to take advantage of this?
I mean seriously, my mouth just ignited with flames when I heard that old geezer, who lives in southern muck at the edge of that southern country that the Enemy loves, told your patient that whenever he completes one hard task, the Enemy usually gives him something even harder as a reward. I mean really, why in my name would any varmint in his right mind consider that kind of treatment as the Enemy showing His love for them?
I mean sure, the Enemy says that those varmints who have their hope in Him will renew their strength, but hey, your patient sure looked exhausted to me.
I’m telling you, I’m so angry right now that I could just explode. Watching you blow a perfectly simple assignment in such spectacular fashion has me in such a state that, if you were down here right now, you’d see more than just steam coming out of my ears. I absolutely hate having to watch your patient forget his miserable past and keep striving for the disgustingly wonderful things the Enemy undoubtedly has waiting for Him.
I mean really, now your patient just can’t seem to take his eye off of Him, who is supposedly the author and perfecter of his faith, can he? Of course, given that the Enemy is constantly showing up in your patient’s miserable life, I’m sure that it would be hard for your little varmint to not see Him, now that he knows He’s there.
Of course, it’s all your fault that he knows about His presence now. I mean really, could you be a bigger moron than you are? I doubt it.
Don’t you remember the price that the Enemy supposedly paid to keep all of His creation off of my dinner table? Don’t you understand how horrible it is for my side when your patient found out how much the Enemy loves him and the extent that He’ll supposedly go to save him and every other varmint in this world? Don’t you remember that the Enemy supposedly took on His assignment with joy because He loves all the little varmints that He’s created?
But, again, I’ve digressed. What’s up with the Enemy making all those promises about making His ranks tireless and tough when they fight against my forces? Surely what He says isn’t true. Surely He’s just leading the vermin on some wild goose chase.
Oh, if only that were right but, unfortunately, it’s not. The Enemy is indeed capable of giving the vermin in His camp the strength and willpower to do anything that He calls them to do. I’m telling you, it’s really infuriating.
It would have been so gratifying to me if you had managed to get your patient to buy into the suggestion that he was powerless to make something good happen out of the miserable situation that he spent his young years in. I mean really, how hard could that have been for such a smart little devil like you? It should have been so easy. I mean really, the Enemy created all the little vermin from dust, didn’t He? Of course, He did. What could He have been thinking when He made the vermin out of something as weak and useless as dust?
Unfortunately, for my side, the Enemy’s foolishness is wiser than any varmint’s wisdom and His weakness is stronger than any varmint’s strength, so you can be certain that anything that He forges out of dust will be stronger and tougher than anything a little varmint could come up with.
And, of course, right when your patient got to the end of his rope, the Enemy Himself appeared to him in His natural form, didn’t He? He told him all about his story and how He had been working out His good plans all along, didn’t He? I’m telling you, that’s the Enemy for you. He never pushes someone beyond what they can take, even though the vermin often accuse Him of doing just that.
I hope you’re not thinking I’d forget about the Enemy showing Himself to your little brat in His chosen country. I mean seriously, how could you be so dumb as to let your patient wind up there?
I mean seriously, how can I succeed in taking over this world if idiots like you can’t cope under the delightfully awful circumstances you’ve been working in for so long? I’m telling you, your performance highlights just how hideously awful the Enemy’s supposedly saving grace is in the life of vermin who are willing to take up His yoke and make His cause their own.
I mean really, they take up His yoke—which is supposedly very light, I must add—and they start proclaiming the His good news to the poor, and His willingness to bind up the brokenhearted, free the captives, release prisoners from darkness, comfort mourners, give sight to the blind, release the oppressed, and, most horribly, for my side, proclaim the year of His favor.
I mean really, just thinking about it makes me want to devour you for your worthless inept work. How could you let this happen? How could you be so stupid?
Oh my me, your patient is already living proof of all the abovementioned horrible things and his testimony will undoubtedly be talked about for years and years. Most horribly, I have a suspicion that his testimony may just make it into some other world too. Oh my me, I can’t imagine that. I’m just glad that I won’t have to write letters to all the morons who will undoubtedly suffer setbacks when their vermin hear your patient’s story.
Well, anyway, I’m sure that, with my brilliant brains, I can think of something to salvage your miserable performance. Don’t you worry your ugly little scales off too much. I’m here for you, you worthless moron. I’m here for you. You just be sure to write me a note if you need any more of my wonderful, sound, and extraordinary advice. Don’t you worry, you miserably stupid cretin. I’ve got your back.
The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Schizo is named for Schizoid Personality Disorder. People who are diagnosed with SPD are socially and emotionally withdrawn. They like to hang out by themselves and would choose a solitary hobby over one involving other people. They don’t show emotions and react passively to negative situations. I think this is a perfect way to describe the type of Cor that Tash would like—someone who has no desire to make his life better and who is cold and distant from others. Tash would prefer that Cor choose to remain behind and not accept the help that he needs from others to make improvements in his life.
Stonefish is Arsheesh’s demon. I didn’t give him his own letter, but the character needed a demon. Stonefishes are rated as the most poisonous fish in the sea. They get their name from their ability to blend into the coral reefs in the tropical waters where they live. Like them, Arsheesh lives in the south and blends in with his surroundings, both racially and religiously. Stonefish have spines that extend outward when they’re threatened or stepped on. They cause horrible pain, swelling, tissue death, muscle weakness, temporary paralysis, trouble breathing, vomiting, and/or a host of other pretty nasty things. However, only rarely will the stingers cause death. Likewise, Arsheesh’s demon can only temporary pain, particularly for the young Archen prince for whom this letter is about. Cor may have had a rotten experience with Arsheesh, but once it was over, it was over. His rotten childhood is something that he can, in fact, overcome. Also, the treatment for a stonefish sting involves soaking the wound in hot water (baptism) and contacting emergency services (as in prayer).
Nyct is Bree’s demon, Poliomy is paired with Aravis, Orp is attached to Hwin, Lary is with Corin, Placebo is paired with Lasaraleen and Jester is dragging down Rabadash.
The part about the Enemy changing from a Lion to a cat makes me think of Jesus in the Manger. When He’s a Lion, Aslan terrifies Cor, Aravis, Bree and Hwin. When I started thinking that part over, it made me think of God in the Old Testament, when humans had to cover their faces whenever He passed by. God was simply too awesome and powerful to look at. Then, we have the New Testament, and Jesus comes to us in human form, or as Tash puts it, “a smaller, weaker, more helpless and, quite frankly, more pathetic version of Himself”, and all of the sudden, we can look Him in the face and each out and touch Him, just like Cor is able to reach out and touch and be comforted by Aslan the cat while he’s waiting for the others outside of Tashbaan.
Bible verses: Phil. 2:10-11; Matt. 18:6; Luke 17:2; Matt. 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27; Psalm 23:1-4; John 10:10; Lam. 3:22-27; Isa. 43:1-7; Ecc. 4:9-12; 1 Sam. 16:7; Psalm 103:5-10; Luke 23:39-43; John 10:14-15; Eph. 2:10; Psalm 23:5-6; 2 Cor. 2:14-17, 5:20-21; John 6:38-40; Matt. 13:5-6, 8, 20-21, 23, 5:45; Rom. 5:3-8; Isa. 40:28-31; Phil. 3:12-14; Heb. 12:2-3; Psalm 103:14; 1 Cor. 1:25; Jere. 29:11; 1 Cor. 10:13; Matt. 11:28-30; Isa. 61:1-2; Luke 4:18-19