My Dear Oxiana,
Well, I think it’s obvious that you should consider this letter to be your dinner summons because it has become quite clear that your once potent bite has lost all of its effectiveness.
Did you really think you could hide your tiny patient’s despicably obvious concern for that new Human varmint from another world, even after that snotty little biped tortured and humiliated him?
And did you suppose that I would just ignore the fact that your patient interfered with my plans for your colleague, Pavo’s patient, by spouting off some annoying rhetoric about following the Enemy’s narrow-minded views on so-called leadership and responsibility after that self-righteous ruling punk expressed a desire to follow my more exciting suggestions about freedom?
And, most importantly, did you really think that I would just let you off the hook even though you allowed your patient to become mesmerized by the Enemy instead of my fascinating suggestions? I mean seriously, how could you be so worthless as to let your patient, of all varmints, think that the Enemy deserves more honor and glory than Himself?
I’m telling you, I haven’t had an employee who is as moronic as you’ve been for ages and, if I’m lucky, I won’t be inconvenienced by such a thing ever again.
Tell me, how many times have I written to you over the years to remind you that it is of the utmost importance that you hunt your patient whenever the opportunity arises because he was specially consecrated for the Enemy’s use when he was very young?
Oh my me, could you not see the urgency of your situation in the memos that I sent you on a daily basis? If you weren’t such an idiot then I’d bet the Enemy wouldn’t have been able to use your patient to trick so many varmints into believing all of His outdated claims.
Well, at any rate, do you know why I asked you those three specific questions at the beginning of this letter? I bet that you don’t because you’re really stupid. However, since I’m a benevolent Devil, I don’t mind giving you an in-depth explanation so that your last thoughts will be ones of despair and worthlessness as you incinerate in my hottest oven.
As to my first question about your patient’s treatment of the new Male who came to this world with those horrid younger Male and Female varmints who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country, I think the reason for my fury should be quite obvious.
I mean, everyone who graduates from Temptation University should know about the tactic of Revenge so I don’t understand why you didn’t immediately infect your patient with uncontrollable Anger and Wrath after that new Male wronged him on a daily basis. It literally makes no sense to me why your tiny punk would stay his hand unless you are just so worthless that you couldn’t handle your assignment.
But, do you know what makes your shoddy performance even more atrocious? It’s the fact that the other vermin on Pavo’s patient’s boat were quite willing to let your patient have his due. I mean, at one point, I even heard that horrible younger Male ruler from another world talking about handicapping his own relation because that new Male was so much bigger than your patient. And Pavo’s patient offered to hand out weapons so, obviously, he approved of my tactic.
Yet, even with their acceptance of my brilliant suggestion, you were still unable to effectively coax your varmint to immediately seek vengeance for the wrongs done to him.
Of course, I’m very fair and I completely understand that you had to deal with that awful younger Female ruler’s presence and opinion when it came to your patient getting even with her relation. But may I point out the fact that she herself is a warrior and she undoubtedly killed many people while she was ruling the Enemy’s chosen country so I’m sure that, if you were actually worth your salt, you could’ve effectively suggested to him that he could just assume that she wouldn’t mind a little skirmish since her relation obviously deserved it.
I mean really, why you never opposed your little punk’s holier than thou opinions of that awful Female ruler with that suggestion is completely inexcusable.
Now, let me move on to my second question. Quite frankly, I have to say that a fireball shot out of my beak when your patient threatened Pavo’s patient with confinement after that ruling punk said that he would rather continue his exciting voyage rather than go back and rule the Enemy’s boring chosen country. I mean, doesn’t your patient know that the Enemy Himself tells His ranks to obey the wishes of their ruler?
Besides, what’s so awful about Pavo’s patient abdicating anyway? The Enemy’s chosen country has been without a Human leader before, hasn’t it? Of course, it has. And, let me tell you, I always had a delectable array of souls on my dinner table during that great era.
Well, now I’ve come to my third question, which deals with your most serious offense. Do you know what that is? It’s your patient’s ridiculous obsession with finding the Enemy’s own terrible Country. Naturally, I’ve saved this explanation for last because I want you to know how incompetent you are just before I slam the oven door on forked little tongue.
To begin, I want to ask you if you know what the definition of a slacker is? I bet that you don’t know because you’re the epitome of the definition. I mean seriously, how could you just let your tiny patient begin every day by singing that ridiculous song about the directions to the Enemy’s own horrible realm?
Now, don’t try to deny it, you worthless moron, because I know that you know what song I’m talking about. After all, your patient learned it when he was very young and he has been singing it every day of his life.
So, why didn’t you distract him with my suggestions before he started singing? You could’ve suggested that instead of singing he should think about throwing that new Male overboard or playing some hilariously dirty trick on him. It would’ve been a delight to my eyes if you had done that because it would have widened the rift between them and then, with any luck, that new Male wouldn’t have heard your patient’s views on the Enemy and His supposed self-proclaimed past activities.
And, obviously, if that new Male hadn’t heard about the Enemy’s self-professed claims then he wouldn’t have been mesmerized by the Enemy when He finally showed up in the fur to brainwash him.
I would’ve also been delighted if you’d cultivated a spirit of Fear in your patient because he seems to think that he is bravest of them all. Quite frankly, I don’t know why you couldn’t handle this simple thing because every varmint is afraid of something and it would’ve been tremendously productive for my side. Instead, however, I was so infuriated when your patient’s unfortunate boldness led to him being the first to take so-called refreshment at the Enemy’s table that a fireball exploded from my beak.
I’m telling you, I’m livid about that because you completely negated your colleagues’ great productive work when you allowed him to do that because the other vermin were pressured to follow his lead instead of hanging back.
I mean really, why didn’t you suggest that your punky little varmint didn’t deserve to eat at the Enemy’s table? After all, didn’t he almost leave the Enemy’s service a few years ago? Of course, he did. So why would the Enemy ever welcome him at His table?
You could’ve also suggested that your small patient’s title as leader of his species and his “most valiant” status made him on par with Pavo’s patient and those horrible younger Male and Female varmints from another world who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country. I mean, why should they get special treatment while your patient is just treated like a member of the crew?
Certainly, this tactic would’ve worked because we both know that your patient has been interested in his own honor and glory in the past and, as I’ve mentioned to both your ancient and current colleagues, old habits die hard.
In fact, I bet that if you’d been able to bite him like you did a few years ago then he would’ve remembered the Enemy’s horrible delay in fixing his poor tail like he rightfully deserved. It’s also possible he would’ve forgotten about the Enemy’s self-proclaimed promise to hand out prizes to those varmints who get to His own awful country. Then with any luck, he might have gone off to gallivant around this awful world just to prove himself to everyone who thinks he is nothing but a tiny rodent.
You know, I’ve never believed any of the Enemy’s hogwash about the so-called eternal rewards that He supposedly stocks in His own terrible Country. I mean, before He kicked me out, I never saw any of the goods.
Of course, I only mentioned that because I only want the best for your tiny patient and, frankly, I think that he is getting cheated. I mean, wouldn’t it be fair to let him have some fun now instead of demanding that He fulfill all of those tiresome rituals that his vow to the Enemy forces him to complete each and every day? Of course, it would.
I mean, take that foolish song that he has to sing every morning. Did you know that the Enemy forces him to do that under the guise of so-called worship and refreshment?
I’m telling you, if you weren’t such a moron, then it would’ve been the simplest thing ever to stop your patient from feasting on His daily bread everyday and then that little pest would’ve been weak enough for even an imbecile like yourself to overpower.
Well, I think that this letter is long enough for someone who is as stupid as you are to read so I’m going to go sit down at the head of my table while my minions bring me a plate and a knife. Now, don’t you dare keep me waiting.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: As I noted in Reepicheep’s first chapter, I think our brave little mouse represents the Christian life so if the first letter exposed the selfish desires of his earlier immaturity, this second one is written about a mouse who has completed his journey and found his Heavenly home.
As Christians, we are commissioned to be Christ’s ambassadors in this world and that’s exactly what Reepicheep does throughout the The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The most prominent example of this is his relationship with Eustace. I think that he functions as Eustace’s mentor, much like the Beavers mentor the Pevensies in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and the Pevensies mentor Trumpkin in Prince Caspian.
Reepicheep might have been willing to go a few rounds with punky Eustace if only Edmund had come back for this third visit to Narnia. Certainly, the Mouse would’ve spared the king’s cousin’s life but because the brat is the queen’s cousin our little hero refuses to even bloody his nose. Thus, Lucy’s presence keeps the situation from spinning out of control until Eustace is brought to a point where he’ll listen and Reepicheep doesn’t ruin his mentorship chance by beating the tar out of his mentee beforehand.
So, now let’s turn to Caspian and his moment of wavering. I think what Reepichhep does here is a reminder to those of us who live under Christian leadership. As Caspian demonstrates, even Christian leaders can be led astray so, like our brave Mouse, we’re called to not rubberstamp everything they do simply because they profess a relationship with Christ. Instead we should call them out when they need it.
Lastly, don’t you love Reepicheep’s quest for Aslan’s Country? What a change from his earlier quest for honor and glory for himself, right? That’s the most telling change between Prince Caspian Reepicheep and Voyage of the Dawn Treader Reepicheep. In the last letter, we found him willing to sell his Heavenly home if only his earthy reputation would remain intact. But now, even though he is never a Hwin-like doormat, he is willing to forgive humiliation and dishonor because he knows that it’s not about him.
Bible verses: 1 Cor. 15:55-57; Matt. 5:43-48; Luke 6:27-36; Prov. 16:12-13; Matt. 7:13-14, 20:26-28; Phil. 2:3-4, 3:7-11; Matt. 11:2-6, 28:18-20; 1 Cor. 10:23-24; Rom. 13:1-5; Matt. 18:15; 1 John 4:18; Matt. 26:26-28; Luke 22:19-20; 1 Cor. 11:23-26; Prov. 16:18; Phil. 3:12-14; Matt. 11:28-30, 6:9-13; 2 Cor. 12:9-10