My Dear Alas,
I must say, it was a delight to my eyes when I saw your patient and your colleague, Kurtvon’s, turn themselves over to those Males from that country that likes me more than the Enemy so they could be prosecuted for their delightfully heinous crime of murder but, naturally, I knew that you would still mess things up.
And, as usual, I was right.
I mean, it’s not difficult to predict that you’ll blow your assignment because you’ve been doing it for years, but I should think that an employee who was so successful at cheating and lying your way through Temptation University shouldn’t have so much trouble making suggestions to your patient about minding his own business. I mean, you’ve heard of a great tactic called Apathy, haven’t you?
Well, you should have because it’s one of the best tactics I use.
Seriously, neither your patient nor Kurtvon’s had any right to interfere when those Males from that country that likes me more than the Enemy were whipping that surly varmint into submission. I mean, how am I going to get any use out of the Enemy’s chosen country if its inhabitants aren’t willing to do the heavy lifting that I require?
It’s just gratifying to know that all my years and years of suggestions have blurred the Enemy’s own self-proclaimed character in those vermin’s minds so that, delightfully, they turned themselves over to the proper authorities to receive the punishment they so richly deserved after they defied the new laws in the Enemy’s chosen country.
I’m telling you what, Doubt is a powerful weapon in my talons and, if used properly, it can be the first slippery stepping stone on the crooked road to my dinner table.
You know, I’ve always thought that there’s no time like the present to modernize the Enemy’s chosen country so I’m delighted that the new leadership in that awful land is on my side again. There’s just no reason why those poor varmints should have to go on cleaving to His old-fashioned rules and regulations forever and I have no doubt that your patient and his kind will be much happier once they accept the new modern ways of doing things with a bit in their mouth and spurs in their sides.
I mean really, then they’ll know what real freedom is.
But let me get back to your patient’s situation. You know, after you so ineptly let your patient escape from the custody of those Males from that country that likes me more than the Enemy, I was so furious that I nearly burned this letter to ashes. But then my newest converts, who are Eppo’s patient’s delicious-looking relations, did something so delightfully productive that I knew it was almost time for me to ascend to the Enemy’s throne.
Do you remember what they did? Of course, you don’t. You’re too busy bumbling around in this dark cramped little stable listening to your patient and the Enemy’s horrible agents from another world tell their usual lies about how wonderful it is to be surrounded by so much so-called beauty.
Well, I just can’t fathom why neither you nor any of your colleagues of the past or present have ever thought to give the Enemy the kind of blow that Eppo’s patient’s relations recently gave Him at the last rally when they slaughtered an entire species.
I’m telling you what, the slaughter of all those awful varmints was the funniest thing that I’ve seen in generations because they and their kind hold a particularly special place in the society of the Enemy’s chosen country.
Of course, you should already know that, shouldn’t you? Of course, you should. But, you don’t, do you? Of course, you don’t. I mean really, you spent all your years at Temptation University playing hookie and then bribing, cheating, and killing your way to the top of your class so that you would be able to tempt some powerful and important patient, but you never actually learned any of the intricate details that make tempting so much fun.
So, now you have your great important patient, but you’re also practically in my ovens too.
Didn’t you know that the Enemy gave His Covenant to His chosen country through your patient’s ancestor on the very first day? Didn’t you know that? And didn’t you know that, unfortunately, your patient’s kind has been a symbol of His Covenant in every era since? Why didn’t you know that?
Well, frankly, if you had learned these lessons at Temptation University, you would’ve realized that your patient’s situation is actually very similar to that of his first punky ancestor. I mean, isn’t your patient Kurtvon’s patient’s so-called closest friend? Of course, he is. Just like his first ancestor was a so-called close friend of the first ruler of the Enemy’s chosen country. Well, I say, what kind of so-called friend is a beast of burden who isn’t enslaved?
You also should’ve learned about your two other ancient colleagues who managed their patients so successfully that their punky varmints almost forgot that they were heirs to His covenant until He blatantly cheated to steal them away from me. Why didn’t you study their example? You should have known about them and followed their lead, you worthless moron. You should have known about them.
And what about your current colleague, Slexi? He was incredibly productive with his patient until the Enemy cheated again by bringing back his awful agents from another world to steal that dumb varmint from me. I mean really, I’m just livid that He keeps bringing back that useless Male from another world who He stole from me many centuries ago.
I’m telling you what, when Eppo’s patient’s tasty-looking relations used their knowledge of the Enemy’s foolish plans to bring such delightful Despair to all the vermin I was sure that tactic’s usefulness would have been magnified a hundred-fold if your patient had been eliminated too.
But, unfortunately, as long as your patient refused to submit to those Males from that country that likes me more than the Enemy the other vermin stubbornly clung to the false so-called hope that the Enemy’s old Covenant still applied.
Well, guess what? I’ve had it with writing to such a worthless buffoon as you are so I’m going to go stoke my ovens now. You just better mind yourself and keep checking your inbox because I will surely be sending you a summons to dinner shortly.
Your very hungry employer,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Alas is named for Alastor, one of the four black horses who draw Hades’ chariot in Greek mythology. Alastor is said to be branded with “the mark of Dis” which reminded me of the “mark of the Beast” in Revelation so I gave him to Jewel because The Last Battle is a sort of “Revelation” equivalent in the Chronicles.
Alastor joins his teammates, Aethon (Fledge), Nyctaeus (Bree), and Orphnaeus (Hwin) because I came to think that Horses or Horsey characters are important symbols in the Chronicles. As I researched and wrote this book, I started referring to them as Covenant Characters because they seem to be the ones who are most affected by the Covenant’s ban against holding Talking Beasts in captivity or using them against their will.
In The Magician’s Nephew, Aslan proclaims His Covenant through Fledge, who is no longer Frank’s dumb cab horse, Strawberry, but a free Winged Horse and the father of all Winged Horses. In The Horse and His Boy, Bree and Hwin find themselves enslaved in a forign land and have forgotten, to a greater or lesser degree, what it means to be a free Talking Horse so they must return to Narnia and reestablish themselves as heirs to His Covenant. Now, in The Last Battle, when Tash’s great lie is tearing the Covenant apart, Jewel is on the frontline defending what is true and right and good.
I must give a nod to Puzzle here too, because a donkey is a horsey character and his temptation to be tame leads him away from his proper covenantal relationship with his brother and sister Talking Beasts.
Now, with all that being said, I think the moment when Jewel and Tirian believe themselves to be murderers for killing the Caloremes who enslaved a Talking Horse is a profoundly agonizing one. They have done exactly what their covenantal oath requires them to do and yet so easily believe the great lie that the Lion’s old Covenant is now void just because He supposedly feels like it. What?!?!
And if you see the Talking Horses as Covenant Characters, then their shooting by the treacherous Dwarfs is an even more unfathomable horror than just mass murder. Basically, this scene is Narnians rejecting everything that is Narnian. Doesn’t that scene take the wind out of your sails? After the Talking Horses fall, who can believe that Narnia will survive and go on as it has before? And yet Jewel remains alive after that tragedy and I think that’s very encouraging. He is the last Covenant Character left standing and he proves with his life that hope remains.
Now, one more thing. Who loves that scene during the Reunion when Jewel sees Fledge? The last Covenant Character standing in awe before the first. Totally beautiful!
Bible Verses: Matt. 11:28-30; Deut. 4:31, 6:6-9; Rom. 13:1-7; Heb. 13:17; Matt. 7:13-14; Lam. 3:31-33; John 16:33; 2 Peter 3:8-15a; 1 Cor. 1:25, 2:9-10; Heb. 11:1