I know that whatever sermon God has my pastors deliver is meant to guide and equip me for the week ahead.
Bishop preached on David and Goliath — on how Goliath towered over David, but God granted David unlikely precision with his weapon and gave David the victory.
Conquering Giants.
Got it!
I assumed any giant I faced would have to be a metaphorical giant, since I’m 5’10 barefoot and rarely find myself in a situation in which I am too short.
According to Bible Historians, Goliath was over 9 feet tall.
No PERSON in my hometown is that tall.
But do you know what in my life is taller than 9 feet tall?
The ceiling along a portion of the stairs in my apartment. The portion by the window.
And what should I find positioned comfortably from that height?
A Texas-sized ROACH.
“Please be outside. Please be outside,” I prayed fervently.
The roach was not outside.
And, just my luck, I was home alone.
Did I mention it’s my birthday tomorrow?
Happy Birthday to me!
When encountered with a problem, my mind automatically goes to solutions.
In this situation, I had several options.
- Pretend I didn’t see it and hope it would go away.
- Leave it be and let Bo defend his homestead when he got home.
- Call the apartment complex maintenance and ask them to bring me a ladder and then pay them to kill the roach for me.
- Battle the roach myself.
Battling it myself seemed like an impossibility, which “coincidentally” was also preached about on Sunday.
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)
Of all the excellent preaching I heard Sunday, the Word that stood out most was about David, his five stones, and his unlikely victory.
Which brought to mind, option #5:
- Call Bishop and have him conquer the beastly bug for me, since he was the one who so masterfully preached on David and Goliath.
Bishop is legit.
I bet he could order the bug out of my house and the bug would immediately leave, apologizing profusely as it went.
I’m not Bishop-level awesome yet, but I’m working on it.
“Be like Bishop,” I coached myself.
I looked up at the Roach and, with all the authority I could muster, I ordered the Roach to come down so I could kill it
I’m pretty sure the roach stuck it’s tongue out at me in response.
I can’t be certain because the bug was so far above my beautiful head.
I don’t ignore my problems and it really isn’t in me to pawn unpleasant tasks off to someone else.
So, my only remaining choice was to battle the bug myself.
I have Ortho Home Defense, but the spray fell short of its intended target.
The roach had wisely tucked itself into the corner of the wall — the most difficult spot to reach.
Of course.
I don’t own a ladder and, even if Maintenance would lend me theirs, it typically takes them hours to respond to what they consider to be non-emergency calls, and I had an appointment in two hours.
I felt so helpless looking at the roach.
I sensed in my spirit that God wanted to give me the victory, but my mind was struggling with how it could possibly come to be.
“Any ideas?” I asked God.
The counsel I was expecting was to wait patiently for the roach to come down.
After all, I had 90 minutes until I had to leave for my appointment.
Instead, a crazy idea came to mind:
“The sermon was on David and Goliath.
Do what David did.”
David used projectiles.
Interesting notion, but on that presented several challenges.
#1 The roach had taken refuge by a window, which really limited me as to what I could throw at him.
#2 I am not athletic whatsoever. I have poor aim and very little power in my pitches.
No one ever wants me on their sports team and, honestly, I don’t blame them.
I had to think of something with enough bulk that I could knock down the roach but soft enough to not break glass.
I settled on… Bo’s socks.
He already had them paired.
I just had to stuff them into balls.
David only needed 5 stones.
I armed myself with 8 pairs of socks, 1 shoe, and 2 containers of Ortho Home Defense— all spaced out strategically.
The idea was that wherever the roach might run would lead towards death.
His, not mine.
The roach had claimed territory above the window seat I had made myself.
The fiend had taken over my place of refuge, rendering my happy place unusable.
Who can relax with a roach over her head?
The more I thought about how the disgusting fiend was violating me, the more I related to David’s righteous indignation towards Goliath.
Who does Goliath the roach think he is?
I positioned myself as best I could, giving myself a fairly clear shot at Goliath while ensuring I had ample room to leap away, lest the creep fall on my hair or down my shirt.
I threw the first “sock stone” and missed entirely.
Second, third, fourth and fifth sock stone — same sad story.
Finally, with the seventh sock stone, I connected.
Bullseye!
Perfect aim.
Great force.
It accomplished nothing!
Frustrated, I launched sock after sock.
But even when I struck Goliath, the roach didn’t fall.
Goliath was laughing at me.
I could practically hear him.
I decided I needed a more lethal weapon.
So, I soaked one of the stone socks with Ortho Home Defense and started pelting Goliath with that.
Goliath shrunk into himself.
He was deathly still, despite the fact that he hadn’t fallen to the ground.
Huzzah! I had destroyed him.
All that remained was to use a broom to force Goliath’s filthy Philistine carcass off the wall.
Triumphantly, I grabbed the broom and stabbed Goliath with the handle.
Goliath uncurled and waved an antenna at me!
I thought only cats had nine lives!
I realized that if I held the broom above my head and leapt at Goliath, I could reach him.
I was afraid to go that route, however, because it substantially increased the odds of Goliath landing on me.
But desperate times call for desperate measures.
I sprayed the bristles of the broom with Ortho Home Defense, braced myself and attacked.
I swiped.
Goliath fell.
I screamed.
My dogs did NOT come to help.
Goliath landed on the wall not far beneath the window sill.
We were definitely not six feet apart!
For a second that dragged on like 2020 has, Goliath and I stared each other down.
Something in me urged, “You’re not done. Kill it!”
With my eyes focused on Goliath, I lunged for the shoe and swung it at Goliath with force and finesse that would have made Casey tip his baseball cap to me.
Smack!
Smush!
Finally, Goliath was dead.
Saul has slain his thousands and David his tens of thousands.
And, please Lord, let that be the first and last towering roach I ever have to battle!
I sincerely hope Bishop is not planning to preach on Jonah and the Whale this Sunday!