My Dear Vichy,
I just wanted to write to you because I’ve been so satisfied with how things have been progressing in the Enemy’s chosen country lately and I wanted to be sure that you, one of my most precious and treasured employees, are able to celebrate my recent successes with me.
I’m telling you, ever since those four awful Human varmints from another world left things have started going my way. Oh, sure, they ruled His chosen country and obeyed Him for much longer than I wanted them too, but that time is over and done and my time has returned. In fact, with all the changes that I’ve seen lately in Enemy’s chosen country, I’m sure that I’m on the verge of my own Golden Age. After all, the last time no Human vermin from another world was in this world, I had a pretty awesome friend and she was able to keep my kitchen staff quite productive.
So, I ask you, why shouldn’t I anticipate similar results this time around too?
Have you heard about what’s been going on that makes me so excited? I bet that you haven’t because you’re really stupid but, because I’m full of myself and want to brag, I’ll tell you. It all started when the vermin in the Enemy’s chosen country were so shocked and depressed about their terrible Human leaders from another world leaving them. I guess they assumed—incorrectly, of course—that the Enemy actually has plans for their future happiness and success.
What a bunch of gullible fools.
At any rate, during that time of great and very useful desperation, all the varmints in His chosen country knew was doubt and fear. In turn, that enabled some other Human vermin to come in and take over leadership responsibilities in His chosen country.
Oh my me, I’m so excited because the vermin in His chosen country forgot something that is crucial to keeping the Enemy happy. They forgot to simply believe in Him and His self-proclaimed promises.
Now, I know what you’re thinking and, as usual, you’re wrong but that’s beside the point. These Human varmints are actually ones that my side can work with because, get this, they don’t believe the Enemy exists.
Isn’t that hilarious?
Now, since I happen to know the Enemy very well, I don’t need to theorize about His motives for leaving His ranks to wallow in the darkest valley. I’m just certain that He banished His own chosen leaders from another world because He likes to see His ranks living in utter despair and hopelessness.
I mean really, isn’t that just like Him? He has always claimed to be for the vermin in His camp, but He is really against them. Never mind the rumors about His scars, or His rope burns, or that He once let my old friend’s sidekicks cut His mane off. Never mind about that. It’s all lies. Don’t you know that the vermin in His camp will say anything to get more vermin to sign up with His army?
But, I’ve digressed. Tell me, isn’t it splendid to see the vermin in His chosen country living in bondage because they’ve forgotten His promises or only remember the most convenient parts of His promises. Oh, sure, they remember that He assigned Human vermin to be their leaders, but they’ve delightfully forgotten that the leaders He chooses are ones who keep His covenant.
It’s just like when my old friend came to power not so long ago. She worked her way in because the vermin in His camp were living well under the protection of that old tree that was planted on the first day of this awful world and they got distracted and lazy. Ah, those were the days, weren’t they? Well, don’t blink. Those days are back.
Once again, the vermin in His chosen country have gotten lazy and distracted by their easy lives under the reign of His four awful chosen leaders from another world and I intend to take full advantage of the situation now that those worthless bipeds are gone.
Now, I’m sure that you, being a smart modern little cretin, can understand the advantage that my side has when Human vermin who don’t believe in the Enemy or His self-proclaimed status as Savior of the world come to power in His chosen country. Don’t you see? Don’t you get it?
Oh yes, I remember now, you don’t have a clue about what I’m talking about. You, after all, are the idiot who watches over that punky little varmint who leads the southern country that He loves.
While things are turning in a very successful direction in the Enemy’s chosen country, your patient has stubbornly refused to stop believing in Him and His disastrous self-proclaimed goal of destroying me and my employees.
How could you be so worthless? How could you be such a moron?
Don’t you know that, even with all my recent great advancement in His chosen country, I’ll never have complete success as long as there is someone, somewhere, who remembers Him and His claims?
Now, let me be clear. I’m not opposed to your varmint’s insistence that the Enemy exists. After all, even my side acknowledges, at least amongst ourselves, in the darkest corners of my country, that He is a living breathing thing, but I see no point in your varmint’s idea that He is actually the Savior of this whole wretched world.
Oh sure, I understand that your varmint is simply preaching what he heard an older generation say and I won’t dispute that the vermin who reared your patient did need the Enemy’s interference to save them from their worthless lives. But they were very simple imbecilic varmints and your patient has been reared in very different circumstances than they were. Obviously, he is much better educated and much more sophisticated than they ever were, so what need does he have for the Enemy and His so-called mercy?
I think that your patient will benefit from being in such close proximity to the vermin who don’t acknowledge the Enemy’s existence or claims. If he struck up a treaty with them, I’m sure that I could make some inroads in his life.
After all, peaceful co-existence is always better than war, isn’t it? Of course, it is. I’m sure that a deal can be struck between these two very different ideologies and peace can be had in your patient’s time.
Then, with any luck, the worthless vermin in the southern country that the Enemy loves will be able to live in fear and slavery and without justice, security, or liberty, just like the vermin in His chosen country do now.
I’m telling you, your patient is a sappy little fool to continue thinking that the Enemy will help him and the rest of the southern country that He loves resist the pressures brought on by their new neighbors. Doesn’t the Enemy have more important things to do than watch the backs of spineless varmints who run around like headless chickens most of the time? Of course, He does.
If He would let me sit on His throne and give me the credit that I deserve then, I’m sure, He would have more time to cater to His worthless creation, but He doesn’t seem to think that it’s important to share power.
He’s such a selfish jerk.
You know, you’re really worthless, so I’m sure that you can’t imagine how my mouth salivates whenever I think about how things would be different if your patient started believing that he is too insignificant for the Enemy to bother with. Unfortunately, because of your lack of effort, or lack of skill, or probably both, my stomach is aching because your patient doesn’t think that way.
If he did, he might start neglecting to converse with the Enemy on a regular basis and then, with any luck, he would eventually forget about Him altogether.
You just can’t underestimate how a varmint’s regular conversations with the Enemy can lead them farther up and farther into His Lair. I’m telling you, it’s pathetic, but a varmint who is in constant contact with Him will start seeing Him everywhere they look and my side has a terrible time with idiots who see Him everywhere.
I mean really, it’s as if they think that He can actually be everywhere at once, regardless of time or distance. What a joke.
Oh, my me, I can’t tell you how relieved I was when that ravishing older Female ruler from another world went away with her despicable relations. She had a very powerful weapon in her possession that helped her stay in contact with the Enemy and, by her example, her imbecilic vermin subjects learned how to stay in contact with Him even more than they already did before she arrived.
Well, guess what? When that gorgeous older Female ruler left, she was stupid and left her weapon behind. Of course, I couldn’t have some hapless varmint discovering it and finding out it’s power, so I sent one of my more clandestine employees to steal it.
Now, I mention this because, unfortunately, your moronic secret colleague botched his job and the weapon was lost.
Well, hear this and hear it well, you pathetic little wasp, I want you to be on the lookout for that sensuous older Female’s weapon because your patient has such an ample supply of the disgusting virtues of hope and faith in the Enemy’s deliverance—which can only be developed through regular contact with Him—so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your patient somehow found the weapon and is holding onto it until the Enemy’s chosen country has been brought down so low that they rediscover it’s hideous potential.
Luckily for me, it is completely unprecedented for the Enemy to bring back the same vermin from another world twice so I’m quite certain that I’ve seen the last of those four hideous rulers. Good riddance, I say. They caused my side horrible problems while they were here.
Oh my me, I’m hungry right now. I just can’t wait for the varmints who now rule the Enemy’s chosen country, but don’t believe that He exists, to invade and take over the southern country that He loves. I’m sure that, as long as you’re doing your job correctly, they’ll have an easy time taking control. After all, the southern country that the Enemy loves is smaller, weaker, and less renowned than His chosen country.
Of course, since I’m such an awesome and considerate Devil, I want to help the vermin who don’t believe the Enemy exists anyway that I can, so here’s what you’re going to do.
You’re going to suggest to your patient that neither he nor his hapless subjects have anything to worry about when the vermin who don’t acknowledge that the Enemy exists takes over the southern country that He loves. I’m sure that they’ll accept your patient as their puppet governor.
I’m sure that, if your patient tolerates the actions of the vermin who don’t believe that the Enemy exists or looks the other way whenever he finds them intolerable and, especially, if he pays homage to them and doesn’t make waves by talking nonsense about the Enemy or war, then everyone will be quite satisfied with the arrangement.
Well, at least, I’ll be satisfied with the arrangement.
Of course, unfortunately, you’ve got your work cut out for you because you’ve been a real moron and your varmint is the sort who would jump at the chance to defend the Enemy against such a benign threat as the vermin who don’t acknowledge His existence and claims. It’s just terrible for my plans when the Enemy’s ranks make defensive maneuvers against ideas that I like.
Most of my employees have turned out to be too stupid to counter Him.
But, no matter. I’m sure that when I finally choose to make my appearance on the battlefield things will be different. I’m sure that I’ll gain the smashing victory that I’ve always said I’ll have against Him and His employees.
At any rate, it shouldn’t be hard for you to entice your patient with this suggestion. After all, he is a king and undoubtedly has many problems in his own realm. Why should he care if the vermin in the Enemy’s chosen country sell themselves into slavery? What is that to him? Is he their keeper? What is a neighbor anyway?
Another thing that will make this suggestion easy for you to use is the fact that, at least nowadays, most vermin have an aversion to war and bloodshed. Luckily for me, His ranks have forgotten that the Enemy Himself, as their self-proclaimed Royal Master, leads His army into battle with His banner before them. And, unfortunately, He also equips them with all sorts of terrible armor when they go off to war.
Well, let me make something clear. My Research Department is working feverishly to figure out how to penetrate the armor that He gives His ranks and, mark my words, one day we’ll discover His secret.
Now, let me pause right here and tell you something that’s really quite amusing and very useful for my side. Even though the Enemy has assembled His ranks into one huge army, they like to squabble amongst themselves. They like to think that their own particular unit is the most important one and that the make and model of the weapons their unit uses are the most useful and the location where they train is the best. It’s just hilarious because the Enemy’s army isn’t made up of particular weapons or training facilities but, unfortunately, His army is made up of vermin who go out and do His bidding on the battlefield.
I’m just relieved that most varmints don’t like to acknowledge that His army is really made up of everyone who accepts His commission. Fortunately, it’s rare that His ranks think about the fact that they are one in the hope they have in their Leader, in the basic instructions that He gives each unit, and in the requirement that they do good deeds of service during any time of war.
Don’t you dare ever forget your Temptation University lessons; the Enemy Himself declared war on me and my side on the very first day of this terrible world, but if His army is divided amongst itself, it won’t stand.
On the other hand, don’t worry about the hideous rumors about Him. They are simply lies that His camp has spread around to confuse the vermin who haven’t signed up with Him yet. In fact, His love hasn’t invaded this terrible world and my side will prevail as long as His army forgets how to live loudly by proclaiming His self-proclaimed status as Savior wherever they go.
Say, here’s an interesting and very timely message just in from the clandestine employee that I assigned to watch you. It seems as though your patient is talking about something very dangerous.
Were you aware of a recent speech that he gave to his worthless varmint subjects? If you were aware of it, then you should have told me immediately because he talked about a very dangerous but, fortunately, correctable idea.
Of course, since you didn’t let me know ahead of time, I can only conclude that you’re a lazy rotten pig who isn’t doing his job. Well, mark my words, you’ll pay for your ineptness.
At any rate, the message from my secret employee states that your patient has been talking to his moron subjects about doing what is right as far as he knows right to be. Now, unfortunately, when your patient speaks about rightness as he sees it, he is talking about what the Enemy has brainwashed him to believe is right and you can be sure that it’s a very intolerant, exclusive, and cliche-ish message.
To my way of thinking, all vermin should be allowed to do what is right in their own eyes, but your patient, like so many other vermin in the Enemy’s camp, insists that His way is right and every other way is wrong.
This little note also says that your patient has the audacity to lecture his subjects on standing calm, firm, and united against the Humans varmints who don’t acknowledge that the Enemy exists because His power will deliver them, whenever He chooses too. In other words, your patient actually wants his subjects to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and to continue faithfully communication with the Enemy, no matter how long it takes for Him to respond to them.
I can’t stand it when a varmint is as optimistic, intolerant, and stubborn as your patient is. He just can’t look at a situation—even when my side is clearly in control—without fearlessly proclaiming the Enemy’s victory and exulting his compatriots to fight against me, my side, and all the awesome varmints who have ideas that I like. I’m telling you, your patient is driving his subjects to fight, at whatever cost, the Human vermin who don’t acknowledge the Enemy’s existence on the seas, in the air, in the fields and hills, and in the streets of the southern country that He loves and it’s making me see red.
Don’t you know that lots of times a varmint who stands up against ideas that I like is eventually lauded for his so-called greatness?
So, how could you let this happen?
You know, you’re so inept that I’m seriously beginning to wonder whether you have the goods to successfully suggest that your patient surrender to the Humans varmints who don’t acknowledge the Enemy’s existence and claims.
Maybe I should take you out of the field and invite you down here for dinner. That would be just like me, wouldn’t it? I’m such a nice Devil that I’d invite you, a worthless inept slob, down for dinner to tell you about everything that you’ve done wrong and then eat your worthless hide.
Now, one last thing that, with any luck, will prove useful to you and, more importantly, me before you completely botch your assignment. I know that your brat has gone on and on about service, sacrifice, determination, and reliance, but don’t give up. Like most varmints, he most likely likes to flap his jaws about being tough in the face of opposition, but then folds when the going gets tough.
Fortunately, leaders have a way of doing that. They say that war is always an option to put down threats but they don’t really mean it. It’s the funniest thing in the world to watch the Human vermin in leadership positions grasping at straws to make peace when a time for war has arrived.
There is a time for both war and peace, you know, and, let me tell you, if it’s a war the Enemy wants, it’s a war He shall get.
I’m perfectly prepared to ride out and meet Him, leading all my worthless employees into battle, but it is certainly to my benefit that His ranks like to think about Him as being all about warm loving goodness and about His self-proclaimed status as the Prince of Peace, while conveniently forgetting about His untame and unsafe nature.
Now, don’t get foolish and let your guard down like some of your colleagues have done in the recent past. The worthless vermin in this despicable world may not know where the Enemy is unless He is visibly around them but, unfortunately, I know all too well that He is lurking in the most unexpected places. Therefore, you must warn me if He does something that my side didn’t anticipate.
Also, because I care about your worthless hide, I demand updates on your progress—or lack thereof. As always, I’m ready to help any stupid employee who ask me.
The Glorious, Talented, Cruel, Fearsome,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Once again, we’ve come to a new era in Narnia so I changed the closing salutation. King Ram, like King Gale, Queen Swanwhite, and Moonwood the Hare, is an in-between character that’s only mentioned in The Horse and His Boy..
I’m sure that you’ve already guessed that I wrote this letter as if the Telmarines invaded Narnia during Ram’s reign. Of course, this is debatable but I like how it fits the books together.
It seemed as though there are only two ways for a leader to become “the greatest ever”. First, if they rule at a time of great prosperity and happiness and, if there are any serious threats, they are put down quickly and decisively. The Pevensies’ Golden Age is an example of this.
Second, if they lead during a time of great trial and adversity and, through their leadership, their country triumphs. I think Ram would be an example of this, if the Telmarines invaded Narnia during his reign, since Archenland seems to be a smaller less militarily capable nation in comparison to Narnia.
Since we know that Telmarines are conquering people and Archeland would be hard pressed to defend itself alone against a mighty onslaught, isn’t it reasonable to assume the Telmarines at least tried to invade?
So the demon’s name is Vichy, for Vichy, France. I like to think of King Ram as a sort of Churchill figure, who exhorts his nation to fight against overwhelming odds, at whatever cost, and sees them through to victory. Thus, Archenland remains safe for those who believe that Aslan is Lord while, just over the border, Narnia slides into the Dark Age.
Besides the usual Bible citations, I used various lines or phrases, from several speeches:
- Abraham Lincoln’s 1858 speech to the Republican State Convention after being selected to run for the US Senate;
- Neville Chamberlain’s “peace in our time” speech on Sept. 30, 1938 and his declaration of war speech on Sept. 3, 1939
- King George VI’s speech to the nation and Commonwealth following the declaration of war on Sept. 3, 1939;
- Winston Churchill’s “we shall fight on the…” speech to the House of Commons on June 4, 1940.
Bible Verses: Deut. 30:16-20; Jer. 29:11; Judges 2:10; Heb. 11:6; Psalm 23:1-6; Matt. 9:36; Isa. 1:21-23; Rev. 12:9-12; Acts 17:24-28; James 2:19; Prov. 22:6; 1 John 1:8-10; 2 Cor. 6:14-16; Psalm 46:5; 1 Chron. 16:11; Psalm 4:1, 145:18; Jer. 29:12-13; Matt. 7:11; Luke 18:1-8; Rom. 8:14-17; Heb. 11:1; Isa. 1:26; Eph. 6:12; Gen: 4:9; Luke 10:25-37; Psalm 18:34-35; Eph. 6:13-18; James 2:14-18; Matt. 28:18-20; Isa. 7:9b; Matt. 7:24-27; Judges 21:25; John 14:6; Rom. 12:12, 5:3-5; James 1:2-4; Ecc. 3:8b, Isa. 9:6-7