My Dear Badu,
You know, after you graduated from Temptation University and I put you in charge of a little horde of your despicable colleagues, I expected that you’d be equipped to handle the heavy burden of managing your own patient and keeping your idiotic colleagues in line so that they too would do a decent job of tempting their patients.
Of course, I’m not saying that you haven’t done a tolerable job because your patient and his followers were, until recently, tightly entangled in a web of great lies and frivolousness, but still I’m furious because all of that is in jeopardy now.
However, before I get ahead of myself, I want to remind you of something that is really important. I want you to know that I understand exactly how difficult your task is and I’m here for you anytime you need me. Obviously I know better than everyone else how difficult it is to bully a little horde of my imbecilic employees into accepting my orders and obeying me without question so I’m definitely your ally.
And don’t you dare ever question my sincerity.
Now, don’t get me wrong, naturally, I know that you aren’t on my level when it comes to making great suggestions so I’m not at all surprised or angry that you couldn’t quite pull off the steal for me when that ugly younger Female from another world who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country with her awful relations came to the little island where you and your colleagues are stationed.
After all, wasn’t it I who warned you all to be on your guard after your patients were deceived by one of the Enemy’s most infuriating tactics, which is so-called hope, after your patient’s little brat went into the your colleague, Edeig’s patient’s, fortress to read from my Book of Temptations? I’m telling you, it shouldn’t have been any work at all, even for morons like yourselves, to suggest to those gullible varmints that there would be no little Female coming along to break the spell that they cast on themselves.
I mean really, if you were anything close to competent than those varmints could have been infected with great Despair. And, with any luck, the Despair could have festered for so long that those idiotic varmints wouldn’t have reacted when that unattractive younger Female ruler came ashore.
Of course, I’m sure that, if I looked, I could find the memo that I wrote about using the tactic of Despair amidst all the junk mail that you and your colleagues send me on an hourly basis, but I don’t want to waste my time. Besides, all your mail ever talks about how great I am, and how smart I am, and how benevolent I am so, obviously, I keep it all on file. But when it comes right down to it, I know that you’re only writing those things because you don’t want me to find out that you and your colleagues have been slacking off of your assignment to watch your patients make delightful fools of themselves.
But I digress so let me get back to the sudden opportunity that you had when that unappealing younger Female ruler came ashore. Oh, my me, it was quite a breakthrough moment for my side when your varmint asked her to read from my Book of Temptations because she has been ruining my plans for over a millennia. I’m telling you, I was just giddy about getting a chance to do battle against her while she was alone and defenseless.
And wasn’t my suggestion that she is just a snot-nosed little brat a perfect one?
I mean really, I’ve been so infuriated at having to watch your colleague, Oxiana’s, recent paralysis when it comes to tempting his very small patient that I’ve already forgotten about the venomous bite he finally managed to land a few years ago. His punky little varmint is so deferential to the unattractive younger Female ruler and he is always trumping up the lies and rumors about the Enemy making her royalty so I’m sure that she needed my reminder that she is only an insignificant little Female brat.
I’m telling you, when I find a spare moment, I’ll be writing to your colleague again to remind him that he is in mortal danger of winding up on my dinner table.
At any rate, my suggestion that your patient take that ugly younger Female ruler down a peg or two by ensnaring her in my web with exciting traps really paid dividends once she was standing alone in front of my Book of Temptations because she was much more malleable than she has ever been before. In fact, if the Enemy Himself hadn’t personally shown up and interfered, I’m sure that she would’ve ended up on the wide and crooked road that leads to my gate of Destruction.
I mean really, there aren’t many times when flames explode from my beak but when He intimidates a varmint out of taking what they think is rightfully theirs—in the case of that plain younger Female ruler wanted unfathomable beauty—then I know that my never ceasing fury is wholly justified.
And not only am I irate about His intimidation of that poor plain younger Female ruler, who was only trying to help herself, I’m also furious that He didn’t dump her from His ranks or even browbeat her after I clearly won the battle over her eavesdropping on her so-called friend. Now, I know very well that she broke one of His rules by listening to that conversation, but He arbitrarily showed favoritism towards her instead of punishing her like she deserved.
I’m telling you, that kind of thing is His modus operandi when it comes to dealing with His ranks so you must watch out for it and take advantage of it when your worthless patient and his followers interact with His agents.
Say, did you know that His sudden appearance in the fur isn’t the most galling thing about this whole episode? The most galling thing is that my secret employee, who was stationed in Edeig’s patient’s fortress to keep track of what goes on there, has slacked off his duty. Of course, I’m sure that he did so because you bullied him into watching the ridiculous antics of your idiot patient and his gang of fools, but the awful result of his shoddy behavior is that the Enemy sneaked in and plagiarize His own story into my Book of Temptations.
I mean really, when that ugly younger Female ruler found the pages that He inserted into my book, she fell for all of His lies again and believed that His story was the best one she’d ever read. I’m telling you, it was a really cheap trick that He played to get those pages inserted into my book so I’m just giddy about the fact that my temptations tend to be far more memorable than His absurd story.
It’s just lucky for you, and more importantly me, that your patient and his gang don’t remember His story any better than that unappealing younger Female ruler because your patient’s little brat probably read His story while she was reading my Book of Temptations and she might have tried to tell it to her foolish relations if it was anything important.
Well, mark these next words well, you stupid fool, even though your patient’s little brat wasn’t the avenue by which the Enemy lied about His cheap gift of so-called grace, but some members of your colleague’s, Pavo’s patient’s, landing party think their previous encounters with Him make them suitable witnesses of His self-proclaimed status of savior of the world so you’d better be prepared. These varmints will undoubtedly be insatiable in their efforts to gain control of your patients’ minds so you’d better keep reminding them of who really controls them.
And, of course, I have the perfect tactic to help you do just that. It’s called Distraction.
Distraction will be particularly critical to keeping you and your colleagues’ patients on the track to my dinner table because the Enemy’s self-proclaimed power has a way of upending the vermin’s reasonable senses when they first encounter it. Unfortunately, they can become engrossed in Him and forget about the fact that He employs a lot of trickery to persuade them to believe His claims. In fact, I saw a lot of this going on when Pavo’s patient’s landing party tried to convince your patients that they aren’t as worthless as they obviously are.
Well, luckily for you and, more importantly, me, I’m sure that those varmints’ lives won’t really change for the so-called better because Edeig’s patient still rules over them with an iron fist. Once Pavo’s patient’s boat sails away, I’ll be ready with some great suggestions to help you and your colleagues bring them back to the reality of their miserable lives.
Say, why don’t I tell you a little historical story about how useful the tactic of Distraction is, particularly when the Enemy is lurking nearby. I think that, if you’re half as smart as you claim to be, you’ll find this story to be very pertinent to your own case. At any rate, did you know that back in the ancient times, when the ugly younger Female from another world was ruling the Enemy’s chosen country with her equally despicable relations, there was a particularly delightful Female who lived in the country that likes me more than the Enemy. Well, unfortunately, most of your ancient colleagues were completely inept when it came to implementing my notable suggestions so He ran rampant in those terrible days. However, your ancient colleague, who managed this awesome Female’s soul, kept her distracted with all kinds of perishable things that the Enemy doesn’t care about and she never noticed His presence.
You know, I bet that you don’t know this because you’re a real imbecile but the tactic of Fear can help you when you’re administering Distraction. See, since Pavo’s patient’s landing party is likely to mention their affiliation with the Enemy before they move on, you can use Fear to help dissuade them from becoming too curious about Him. All you have to do is remind them that Edeig’s patient, who is their harsh and unreasonable landlord, has also enlisted in His ranks. Obviously, it’s a pretty short jump to suggest that Edeig’s patient’s Leader is a thousand times worse than His agent so, with any luck, that suggestion will be all you need to keep your patient and his cohorts from becoming too interested.
You know, while I’m on the topic of leadership, I want to commend myself for handling your patients so effectively; after all, all varmints need someone to tell them what to do and how to think and act and, obviously, it wouldn’t be productive for my side if the Enemy occupied that position.
Face it, you worthless moron, my suggestion that you and your colleagues use the tactic of Dissatisfaction to entice the vermin to question Edeig’s patient’s leadership was amazingly successful. After all, that punk has never let them do what they want to do, has he? Of course not. And my next suggestion was my shrewdest one yet in this day and age. I mean, wasn’t it brilliant of me to suggest that your patient should set himself up as the ultimate paternal figure of the other varmints? I’m telling you what, I just cracked up at how easy it was to convince those stupid varmints that your patient had answers for all their problems and was the only one who ever cared for them.
Of course, the Enemy would claim a different story, but I know that He is only shaming and, quite frankly, you should too. Don’t the witless vermin who you and your team tempt live nauseatingly close to His own Country? But all He ever does is hang out in Edeig’s patient’s fortress. Surely, if He cared about your patient and his gang, He would walk among them and display His supposedly mighty power so that they would believe Him.
I mean really, even I might believe in Him if He would just provide solid proof of who He claims to be.
At any rate, it was great fun to watch your patient making a spectacle of himself while also squelching his follows’ creativity, drying up their zeal for life, and robbing them of the gifts that the Enemy claims to have given them until they’re so traumatized and indoctrinated that they can’t even disagree with him. I’m telling you, those varmints became like marvelously dead branches and that is always my signal to move in.
Well, now that I’ve made my points, I know that you’re probably excited to get back to managing your little horde of colleagues and patients so I think that I’ll sign off. However, I want to leave you with one more story. With any luck, this one will reinforce the fact that my suggestions always work, without exception, even on the day that this awful world was created.
You see, on that very first day, a number of terrible Human punks were allowed to come in from another world. But, do you know what? One of those Human varmints was actually very much like your patient and his followers. Like them, the old geezer got distracted by some really silly ideas then, when the Enemy showed up, he feared His supposedly mighty power so much that he ended up not being able to hear His proclamations and His awful covenant.
Now, wasn’t that a great story? I’m telling you, I’m going to have to add that one to my Book of Temptations to counter the Enemy’s own tale.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Badu is named for Badumna insignis, which is the scientific name for the venomous Black House Spider. I used the idea of a spider because I see the Dufflepuds as a gang of invisible bullies and the idea of invisible bullies made me think of bullying on the World Wide Web.
The Dufflepuds present two problems for us to look at. First, their interaction with Lucy leads to her worst behavior in the entire chronicles. Second is why do the other Dufflepuds constantly agree with everything the Chief says?
So, let’s look at their interaction with Lucy. I’ve always thought that Lewis does a great job of describing the spiritual “re-growing up” of the kids as they return to Narnia. Given the fact that, by the time they reach Dufflepud Island, Lucy has been in Narnia for a third time for maybe a couple of months, I think that it’s safe to assume that she would have fully “grown up” again into being Queen Lucy. Yet, her actions in the mansion are more like those of a little girl, not a queen.
That brings us back to the bullying aspect of the Dufflepuds. Isn’t it interesting how one little comment (in this case, calling Lucy a “little girl”) can wound a person’s psyche and entice them to believe things that aren’t true and/or hurt themselves or others? On the other hand, Reepicheep vehemently defends his queen from such an insult! I know that this isn’t his chapter, but how might things have been different if the Mouse had gone upstairs with her? Under his glowing admiration, wouldn’t she have read the Book of Incantations with the eyes of a queen, not those of an insecure little girl?
Here’s another way to look at it. The Dufflepuds know Lucy for, give or take, twenty-four Narnian hours verses the likes of Reepicheep and Caspian who have known her for several stressful months (spanning over two books). And need I mention Edmund and Eustace, who are her family members? So, why does she act on what strangers/acquaintances say about her versus what her own family and close friends say? Why do any of us do that?
Now, let’s look at why the other Dufflepuds constantly agree with their Chief. Dare I even say they worship him? I think that, given Lewis’ description of them (and even the name that he gives them), it’s easy for the readers to view them as mostly comic relief, but wouldn’t you be entirely creeped out if you ran across people who behaved like that in real life?
I think that the Chief functions like a cult leader who has, by the time we meet them, thoroughly brainwashed his followers into going along with whatever he wants. Dictators rule by fear vs. Christ ruling by love so I think that the Chief wants the other Dufflepuds to fear Coriakin because his own “power” is a sham vs. Aslan’s true disciples who can call on the Lion’s very real power.
What’s funny is that neither the Chief nor the other Dufflepuds seem to know what to make of the new missionaries that come ashore. Obviously, they want to use Lucy for their own advantage, but we aren’t sure what would happen to the Narnians after they finished being useful; I wonder if they might have worn out their welcome at some point? Of course, “some point” doesn’t happen because Caspian’s landing party ends up becoming vehicles through which Aslan’s grace is revealed to the Dufflepuds. I doubt that’s what the Chief had in mind when he sent Lucy into the mansion, but we don’t see him complaining as the Dawn Treader sails away. Hopefully, they stay on this new path!
Bible Verses: Matt. 11:28-30; Jere. 29:11-14; Rom. 5:3-5; Luke 22:31; 2 Cor. 5:17; Matt. 7:13; John 8:1-11; Matt. 15:21-28; John 3:16-21; 2 Tim. 3:16-17; 2 Cor. 5:18-6:2; Eph. 2:1-10; 2 Tim. 2:25-26; Heb. 12:1-3; Matt. 13:5-6, 20-21; 6:19-21; 1 Cor. 15:53-55; 2 Cor. 4:18; Rom. 13:1-5; 1 Cor. 10:23; 2 Tim. 4:3-4; 2 Peter 2:1-3; John 6:30; Acts 8:9-11; 2 Tim. 3:1-5; John 15:5-6; 2 Thess. 2:10b-12