Fellowship & Fairydust

~ by Kashif Qaimi

It has been days since we last spoke to one another, and it feels as if there is something missing inside me, around me.

I tried to erase every memory that could remind me of her, but I could not scratch her out of my heart, from my mind.

Today is her birthday and after all these useless efforts to forget her, all I can do is think of her.

In a world all my own, where dreams come true, I saw her with me, celebrating her day, innocent in her happiness, like a child unwrapping presents.

I kept building my dream; I was the architect of it for its very inception, and it grew taller, and taller…

But the structure I built has crumbled now.

I keep telling myself that life must go on, that peace of mind must come back. It must continue, must be restored.

But in truth, it is the opposite for me.

Ah, the bitter reality!

I spent the whole day contemplating whether I should send her birthday greetings or not, wondering whether or not she would be expecting them from me.

Would she wait for my message? My heart jumps and says “Definitely yes!”

It whispered, “Wish her well; send her a message!”

But my mind countered with a firm “No…”

It challenged, “Haven’t you caused her enough pain by knocking at the doors of her heart? You planted a seed of love there and watered it and when it became a little plant you crushed it. You were not meant to be there in first place, and you should not be there now.”

The battle goes on, back and forth, until the mind finally wins.

I decided against sending her my well-wishes, and by doing so I knew she would think I had forgotten the day, and perhaps forgotten her too.

Either way, she would think less of me for it.

She would think that I was that another typical man of society who took advantage of her pure heart and played with it.

Maybe this is how she will forget me. Maybe all that will remain of me in her mind and heart will be the image of someone she hates…

After all the pain and suffering I have caused her, perhaps this is exactly what I deserve.