~ by Linda Fay
‘Have you got a graduated glass?’
three-quarters filled with melting crystals
dissolve like snow.
It shivers between shrunken fingers
clinging like malformed insects
sucking to the light
liquid surface wrinkles, ripples
goes red, extracting color from blankness.
Color changing, cloudy purple
fuming vapors steam like sirens
smoke alarms, and swallow.
“Oh God!”
A scream to shake the doors
of Hell and make the demons laugh
the sudden realization that I wish I hadn’t asked.
Sluggish light of shrinking candle,
splashing shadow on the wall
expose the lethal transformation
image of your soul.
Someone else, still the same –
the doctor that I knew
and the friend beside my table
is the Murderer of Carew.
Later on
written in scratchy ink and twice-sealed papers
it all comes out.
These are ordinary, human words
phraseology I know
but the filament of meaning
threading through the sentences
shocks sleep away forever.
I am too old for this but
I begin to understand
what it is all about.
A way out.
Because this is too much
this brutal carousel of expectation
repetition, clinging imperfection
shrieking fingernails clasping at
the unattainable.
You call it that because you are not
certain, because the lurking sweet
still twists your smile
shadows every thought
waiting.
This is too much
you can’t let go, say no
can’t – won’t – what is the difference?
Sick cycle looped through infinity.
Doppelgänger. Is this a joke?
Civil war is the worst kind of conflict
it shouldn’t have to be like this
should it?
One hand in each world
while worlds float farther apart
arm muscles bulge and rip
growing red and purple
your soul is tearing itself in two
and you will not choose
this is too much.
Time to make an end
(you cannot see that you’re in reach
of everything you asked for
almost).
So you thought you could be cleverer
than men and gods and devils
thought there was another way
no one ever thought of.
Con life, bend the rules
just enough to get through
make off with the impossible
best of both realities,
bordering on lunacy.
Build a wall between the worlds
find a compromise at last,
dichotomy of good and evil
cut your heart in half.
It was clever –
that is all I can say.
It was not clever enough –
is that all I can say?
You should have known.
Is it so hard?
to accept the inevitable
play like the rest of us
run by the rules, stay on the road
the pavement is the only shortcut
don’t you know?
Did you think,
because you invented undivided evil
you could create perfection?
That frantic search deep
in the dimness of your laboratory
that chemical miracle
paid for with sweat-stress and misery –
the war to end all wars
but you should have known.
Maybe you did
that is why I am afraid
maybe, deep within yourself
you did. Recognized the impossible
foresaw the way it would go
down to sweet depravation
and you were alright
with that.
Maybe all this was a masque for that initial capitulation,
the towel you hid from your inmost heart
a colossal deception worthy of the angel of Light.
When the paradox fell through
and you started to pray
when the angel didn’t show
and the demon came to stay
when the wall came tumbling
and the embodiment of unredemption
sucked your will into himself,
even if the sheer horror that
sent your mind into seizures
was real, maybe the purity of shock
was adulterated with that original resignation
maybe you realized this would happen
and you were alright with that.
Mon Dieu! I wish I knew!
Did you know?
Did you guess?
Did you have the dimmest inkling?
Please say no
if you do
I can pick up all the pieces
find a reason to forgive.
But if not, it is over
not because I can’t forgive (though I can’t)
but because there is no conceivable cosmos
where it could be forgiven.
I am sorry and I
guess
this is goodbye.