~ by Hannah Skipper
My Dear Picquet,
I must say, I have been quite disturbed ever since I received your last letter. Of course, you’ve never been a particularly productive tempter, but it is something altogether different to completely lose track of your patient, so you can be sure that I’m boiling with rage right now.
After all, the Enemy neither slumbers nor sleeps, so we can’t, either.
However, as your brilliant instructor, I don’t want you to think that I’m actually angry with you. I mean, after all, you’re just a worthless moron and, quite frankly, I’ve been waiting for you to commit a monumental mistake like this, so I drew up contingency plans to help you get back on track.
I’m telling you what, I’ve got to be the smarted demon around to be able to keep up with all you stupid little nitwits.
But I digress, so let’s get started. I see from your letter that once you recovered your patient, he had an apple that seemed to have magical qualities, and that after feeding said fruit to his gravely ill maternal relation, she was completely healed within a week.
Now, I have to say this development is far more disturbing that your inept attention span. In fact, unfortunately, it reeks of the Enemy’s influence and that is very bad for you. Varmints simply don’t become healthy on their own without His interference and we’ll have to mitigate the damage that He has done by infecting your patient with Ungratefulness.
Let me tell you a story to illustrate how it works.
You see, long ago, back when I was working in the field, the Enemy did a really horrifying thing in order to try and throw Our Father Below off his game. He came to earth and was found in the likeness of a Male. I mean really, I’ve never understood why He would waste His time like that.
Now, during that time there were ten Males who had been infected with a delightful disease called leprosy, and one day the Enemy found and healed them. I mean really, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when He did that, because it was just that terrible to only be able to wait and see how my colleagues, who were in charge of those ten Male’s souls, reacted to His blatant meddling.
Well, delightfully, nine of our guys were on their toes and they infected their patients with Ungratefulness so that those varmints walked away from the Enemy without giving Him a second opportunity to affect their lives. It’s just unfortunate that my tenth colleague was too stupid to follow suit or we might have been able to have a real feast down here.
I’m telling you what, I’m still livid about that tenth Male giving the Enemy a second opportunity.
Now, I bet that you’re wondering what all that has to do with your patient. Well, don’t you see it? I mean, your letter states that he buried the magical apple core in his backyard. Well, now he’s going to let it grow and then he’ll have a tangible reminder of the Enemy’s unfortunate interference. I mean, who knows what will happen then? You know our Research Department hasn’t figured out how to predict how He might use these tangible signs, but we know that He does take advantage of them for His own purposes. So, how could you just let your patient plant those seeds?
Quite frankly, you should have suggested that he simply throw the core away and forget about the whole strange episode. I mean, who would believe him, anyway? Certainly, I couldn’t believe it when I first read your letter.
I mean really, you ought to suggest that your patient grow up and pursue other activities. I recall, from your earlier letters, that he is a curious Male and likes to be a part of the action. Well, there are many professions that you could coax him towards. I mean, if you did your job correctly, just think of how he could influence the world as a Scientist or a Politician? Just think of how he could influence young minds if he were a Professor?
Yes, I think his being a Professor would be amazing because we needs varmints out there who are molding young minds into fertile ground for tempting suggestions. I’m telling you what, just think about what they’ve been teaching in the schools for so long?
Your affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape
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Author’s Notes: Screwtape’s story is found in Luke 17:11-19.
All the demon names in this story come from medieval torture instruments. A Picquet (used for military discipline) was a combination stake that was driven into the ground where the victim was induced to stand. A rope was then tied around his thumb or wrist and hung above his head. It forced its victims to do a balancing act for however long someone decided to let it go on, but it rarely ended in death or even permanent injury. I picture Digory’s demon as just the sort of undisciplined demon who would let his patient slip away to Narnia. Not a standout performer in the Devil’s army.
Digory’s gratefulness is the catalyst for the entire series. If he had just tossed the apple core into the trash, then there would have been no tree and no wardrobe.
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