~ by Hannah Skipper
My Dear Rack,
Now, let me see if I’ve got this right. You’ll tell me if I don’t have it quite right, won’t you, Rack? Of course, you will—after all, you know that I can ruin your career anytime that I feel like it.
Anyways, it says here that your little varmint disappeared with two of his relations who have, unfortunately, become completely awful in the last couple of years, and he was able to do so because you did everything contrary to the advice I gave in my last letter.
I mean, you completely ignored my warnings about your colleagues, Pillory and Leasprink, and you completely disregarded my advice about your little varmint being an opportunity to drive a wedge between the Enemy and their two varmints. I’m telling you, I knew that you were a worthless fool from the start, but I’m even more furious that you haven’t learned anything from your esteemed colleagues, Throatwort and Fircus. I mean really, you were specifically paired with them because they are two of our best field workers.
Well, guess what, Rack? I’ve already taken the liberty of reporting your latest foolish mistakes to our Corrections Department, so you should expect dire punishment shortly.
Now, that being said, I think you should consider yourself lucky because I’m your mentor and, naturally, I’m the best at what I do, so let me give you some awesome advice that will, with any luck, get your patient back on the wide and slippery slope where he belongs.
Really, it should be very easy for you because all you need to do is coax your patient to become the snotty little jerk that he was before.
Now, it should actually be pretty easy to do this—even though, unfortunately, your colleague, Pillory, has made a mockery of the same tactic over the last few years—because a Human varmint doesn’t need any practice to become as bad as your patient was, but they always need a lifetime of practice to be transformed into what the Enemy likes.
I mean really, our side remembers that they are only dust but, apparently, the Enemy doesn’t.
Now, let me move on to the next point that needs discussing. You write that your patient has mentioned being turned into a Dragon and that the Enemy Himself pulled off his scales and remade him into a Human. Now, I must say, this is far more troubling than the incompetence that you displayed while losing track of your patient in the first place. I mean, it just reeks of the most terrible turn of events that I’ve ever known about. Let me tell you about it so that you’ll understand.
It happened one night while I was tempting in the field. There was a terrible Male who was, supposedly, one of the varmints who didn’t like the Enemy, so his Tempter was a lazy fool and allowed them to meet up one night.
I mean really, gross negligence doesn’t even come close to describing it.
Well, anyways, while they talked the Enemy told this Male about how he could be reborn as a member of His camp, and that message has been spreading ever since. See how much harder that moron made things for the rest of us? And all because he let his patient talk with the Enemy. It’s enough to make my blood boil.
Now, see how similar that story is to what happened to your patient? Well, you’d better because if you don’t then your patient might follow Pillory’s despicable patient’s lead and become incredibly obnoxious to our side. Now, tell me, do you really want Our Father Below to go hungry because you were too stupid to cash in on my phenomenal advice?
Well, I suppose that’s all I want to say now, but I’m very keen to hear about how you make out with your little brute, so you’d better keep me informed. It looks as though the summer holiday is winding down, so he’ll head back to school soon and you’d better be able to handle it.
Your affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape
______________________________________________________________________________
Author’s Notes: Screwtape’s story comes from John 3:1-21
A victim of the Rack had their arms and legs tied apart and then their appendages were pulled until they were dislocated or torn off. It was generally used to extract confessions. I chose Rack as Eustace’s demon because, somehow, it made me think of his dragon scales being pulled off.
Throatwort (Foxglove) and Fircus are Harold and Albert’s demons. They are named after poisonous plants.
Like Edmund, Eustace’s main troubles occur on his first trip to Narnia, then in subsequent trips, he isn’t so bad, so naturally Screwtape would rather have him return to his former self.