My Dear Placebo,
Let me start out by saying how gratifying it is to write to an employee who is on their talons while they’re doing my work. I’ll bet that, even with all your recent success, you’re still too stupid to comprehend how hard it is to be as great as I am. Of course, that doesn’t really matter because you’re just a worthless moron and I’m me but, when it comes down to it, you’re an employee who seems to understand that your employer is on the verge of starvation.
I’m telling you, you just can’t imagine the troubles that have recently befallen my side, but that’s because you’ve been working in the shelter of that esteemed capitol city that’s named after me in that country that likes me more than the Enemy.
Have I ever mentioned how excited I get when I see all those slovenly Male and Female Human varmints loafing around the capitol city that’s named after me? With all its great spectacles and idols devoted to, not only myself, but also many other gods and goddesses who the idiot varmints think are over me in my Lowerarchy, how could I not find a measure of relief?
Well, I’ll tell you how. I’m not on the Enemy’s throne yet, am I? I mean really, do you expect me to be pleased that just one country, out of this whole world, likes me more than Him? Really? Really? Oh, but I’m just sure that you’re smart enough to know better.
Anyway, what a great joke it all is, right? After all, why would I give up control of any aspect of the vermin’s life, whether it be fertility, or marriage, or the harvest, or anything else? It’s just the greatest joke ever when the vermin think that there are separate deities in charge of different things. I mean sure, there are a lot of things to do in this despicable world that the Enemy created but, believe you me, I can handle it.
After all, I don’t doze off. In fact, I’m comparable to the Enemy in that regard.
At any rate, thanks to the auspicious work of my many successful employees who work in the capitol city that’s named after me, the influence of all their Male and Female Human patients has really helped you out. All your patient does is wile away her time, talking about the latest gossip or fashion ideas or some other frivolous thing and she doesn’t waste one thought on doing something else or becoming someone new. It’s simply spectacular what you’ve been able to mold her into and I’m sure to have a satisfying meal soon as long as you keep up the effective work.
I mean really, who knew that someone as imbecilic as you are could do such a decent job? I’m just giddy about the impending results, so long as you don’t suddenly get stupid and let your patient slip away. I’ve seen too much of that lately to not be sceptical of yet another one of my moronic employee’s performances.
But I digress. Let me get back to your patient. You’ve been able to use the very effective tactic of Indifference on her and I’m sure that you can still get lots more mileage out of it.
Indifference is a great trap for a varmint to fall into, isn’t it? When a varmint falls for that tactic, they lose their passion. They stop caring about the outcome of life’s situations and essentially wimp out when the going gets tough. They become, as the Enemy might say, lukewarm.
I’m telling you, you’ve done such a brilliant job with your patient that I see indifference leaking from her pores. First off, she floats through life, tossing her monetary riches into my Temple’s coffers, not because she truly believes that I’ll help her—which I won’t—but because she likes the showiness of it.
Second, she pays homage to this god or that goddess without even caring to realize that I, her patron and ancestor, as she herself claims, know that they don’t exist. I mean really, I wouldn’t be surprised if she paid homage to an unknown deity, just to cover her basis. I’m sure that the great religiousness of the capitol city that’s named after me is a big part of why you’ve been able to groom her idleness to the degree that you have.
Say, did you realize that it was out of my great benevolence that I bestowed this assignment on you? Surely, a smart little devil like you should realize that I gave you this assignment because I think you’re worthy of it. I mean really, did you think that a moron like yourself could pull off such a fabulous job if you didn’t have a fabulous employer helping your worthless hide out? I think not.
Of course, I absolutely demand your undivided worship as payment for my favoritism. I mean really, did you think that I’d favor you without demanding something in return? I’m not the Enemy, after all.
At any rate, I thought it was absolutely classic of you to suggest that your patient claim allegiance to the moron Human varmints who rule the land that likes me and hates the Enemy and then turn around and aid and abet in an act of treason against them when she was with your colleague, Poliomy’s patient recently. Mark my words, with your talent, you could use her flippant attitude to benefit yourself and, more importantly, me.
You know, I keep wondering if your patient’s soul will really wind up on my dinner table? After the last weeks’ activities, I think I’m perfectly justified in wondering about this. I mean, it just makes me boil with rage to think of how many vermin the Enemy has stolen right out from under me lately.
If your patient does end up on my table, I might have to give you a promotion and that would almost be a travesty because I’m not in the habit of promoting my overlings. At least I’d be able to mull over my final decision while I’m feasting on your patient though. You just better keep up the excellent grooming job that you’re doing. I don’t want to taste any nasty virtues when I eat her.
And, oh my me, don’t you dare end up like your idiot colleague, Jester. With his recent phenomenal success, he’s begun to have certain inappropriate ambitions and needs to be brought up a peg or two. But that, of course, is his story, so I don’t see any reason to tell you about it. I’ll just write to him when I find some time.
But, as I was saying, I’m perfectly okay with sharing space with all sorts of fake gods and goddesses because any time the vermin use to worship them means less time for learning about the Enemy. In an atmosphere like the capitol city that’s named after me, it’s the norm for a varmint to be blown from one idea to the next and only latch on to the particular ideas that make them feel good about themselves. It would be terrible if those varmints who claim to be my descendants ever took time to research their silly ideas because, if they did, the Enemy might reveal Himself to them and they would learn about being in His camp.
Of course, the Enemy’s camp sounds like a slave camp so, if you groom her properly, it likely won’t appeal to your patient. She does, after all, own slaves of her own, so why would she want to become a slave? I mean, doesn’t the Enemy orders His vermin to deny themselves the things that they want, and most likely need, in order to take up His assignments? Doesn’t He insist that they abide by His definition of the term “neighbor”. Doesn’t He demand that they love as He supposedly loves, instead of picking and choosing who they want to love?
Well, you can be sure that I know that slavery is wrong. You do know that, don’t you? I pay the vermin that come down to my dinner table and my wages are the highest ever recorded. The wages that pay for a dinner pass from me is death and, frankly, that’s enough to last any varmint for an eternity without the Enemy.
Of course, I must warn you, the Enemy has an awful habit of regularly roaming around His world and, at all hours of the vermins’ lives, selecting the dirtiest, laziest, weakest, and most worthless ones that you could possibly imagine and putting them to work doing His projects. Like I said, it’s His slave labor, but you must keep a careful watch out for it and not let your patient be taken in by the pretty words that He uses when He speaks about His generosity.
You know, you seem to be a little demon who remembers his Temptation University lessons and I’m very pleased with that. It isn’t every employee of mine who can graduate from my esteemed school and then go on to meticulously and methodically set their patient on a path that leads to my dinner table.
First, I see that you’ve remembered that the Enemy does not live in temples built by varmint’s hands and He doesn’t need images of Himself made of gold, silver, precious stones, or any other material that the vermin can make something out of. I knew that you remembered that lesson when you kept your patient right in the thick of life that revolves around either my temple or one of the shines that is devoted to the lesser deities who don’t actually exist.
It is just terrible that the Enemy isn’t confined to one place, isn’t it? If He could somehow be confined, I’m sure His influence wouldn’t be as widespread as it is. Unfortunately, He has been allowed to roam around freely, giving life and breath and everything else to all the despicable vermin that He created. I must warn you, He does all this in the hope that the vermin will seek Him out and join His slave camp.
I’m telling you, my side needs to contain Him somehow and, mark my words, one day I will do just that. I will put Him in a box and make Him shut up just as soon as the perfect opportunity arises. No, wait, better yet, I would put Him in a stable because that’s where the slave beast of burden varmints are naturally kept. Then I would be His mouthpiece and trick His stupid ranks into doing my will.
At any rate, I’ve digressed again. Let me get back to your varmint. It would be horrible for you and, more importantly, me if your patient wasn’t as complacent as she is. After all, with the terribly high number of times that the Enemy has been sighted in that country that likes me more than Him recently, I have no doubt that she could find Him if she had a mind too. Since He is not tame and has recently proven that He’ll invade my turf at the drop of a hat, you must be continuously vigilant to guard against your patient learning any of His lines and putting them into practice.
Of course, the Enemy’s presence on my turf brings me to an important point, so listen up you foolish cretin. Your job just might get harder in the future because, unfortunately, she has recently been in contact with Poliomy’s patient. Your patient’s interest in the latest fashions, the juiciest gossip, and the hottest Males may incite her to try and contact that filthy Female varmint and she may learn things that aren’t any of her business.
Don’t ever forget, Poliomy is a first-rate moron and if your varmint is allowed to strike up a close companionship with his patient, then things might unravel for you. Peer pressure, unfortunately, works both ways and the Enemy and I are constantly battling to influence each varmint. I’ve tried and tried to get that lesson through Poliomy’s thick scaly head but he is too dense to understand. Therefore, take heed, you’ll probably be on your own if you let your patient get too close to that disgusting varmint.
Now, when I speak of things that aren’t any of your patient’s business, let me explain further. You may not be aware of this atrocious happening, what with yourself working hard in the capitol city that’s named after me, but Poliomy’s patient has deserted my service and joined the Enemy’s ranks. Unfortunately, that despicable Female varmint is now one of His ambassadors and He’ll undoubtedly use her horrible story to trump up His own credentials.
You can bet that He would be so high and mighty as to turn a conversation between Poliomy’s patient and yours from frivolous fashion to His own self-proclaimed status as savior of His camp. Unfortunately, my Research Department has been unable to crack His Message of Reconciliation but, believe you me, my employees are working around the clock to decipher it.
In the meantime, don’t you dare let your patient’s frivolous interests incite her to question why Poliomy’s patient now lives with the varmints who rule that southern country that the Enemy loves and I certainly don’t want her to ask about what happened to that beggar’s brat varmint that she was travelling with when she left my service.
But, now, let me speak a bit more about your patient’s interest in fashionable clothes. It won’t do for her to learn anything about what the Enemy wants His ranks to clothe themselves with. Unfortunately, at the moment, there are no laws against the things that He likes the vermin to wear but I’m going to see to it that my Fashion Department’s police force arrests anyone who burdens themselves with His bulky virtues.
In my opinion, the vices that I like are a much more natural fit for the vermin to wear.
At any rate, the most important thing to remember here is that a varmint cannot serve me and the Enemy at the same time. They will, inevitably, hate one or the other of us. Your patient will ultimately have to choose which camp she wants to join and you’d better make sure that she serves herself as my dinner.
Now, let me pause right here and tell you a funny little joke. I think that it will help you come up with more devious ideas to entice your patient with. Say that she was invited to a wedding feast with some other Females and say that the Male didn’t show up for a while and the Females had to light lanterns so that they could wait for him. Well, here’s the punchline. Some of those Females were complacent fools so they didn’t bring enough oil and they had to go out and buy more. Then, while they were away, the Male came and those foolish lazy Females got left out of the party.
Isn’t that a great joke? Can’t you just picture your patient being one of the Females who wasn’t prepared when the Male came to his wedding feast? Oh my me, I just crack myself up sometimes. Do you know what I would do with any lazy varmints who aren’t prepared for the Enemy’s wedding feast, whenever it comes? I would come like a thief and take them down to be my feast.
I’m telling you, I like telling jokes like that one better than I like discussing the terrible possibility of your patient learning about the Enemy. Then again, I suppose the best way to keep an imbecile like yourself on track is to constantly lecture you so that you don’t disappoint me.
I’m really counting on you, you know. You’re such a hard-working, capable little demon and I know that you appreciate my concern about the problem that would develop if your patient strikes up a companionship with a member of the Enemy’s camp. I mean sure, keeping her free from any interaction with the Enemy’s ranks is hard nowadays, but it’s far better than the alternative. Believe you me, I can hardly fault you for not having the goods to avoid Poliomy’s patient entirely. Well, actually, I can.
It’s such a shame that you couldn’t help your poor worthless colleague out of the trouble that he was in before it spiraled out of control. What with you being such a smart little devil, I was counting on you to help him and then I might have had a shot at both of your patients.
Oh well, now I just have to watch out and make sure that he doesn’t drag you down into the pit that he is already in.
So let me tell you how best to avoid further interaction between his patient and yours. It would be helpful if you encouraged your patient to be afraid of being the butt of the scandal that will undoubtedly erupt once the vermin in the capitol city that is named after me figures out what a ridiculous fool Jester has coaxed his patient into being. Personally, I can’t wait for that day, but you’d better encourage your patient to fear it.
Just imagine the trouble she could get into if some of her slovenly peers found out about what she did to help Poliomy traitor patient? Just imagine what kind of shape her reputation would be in if someone figured out that she is partially responsible for turning her great leader’s little brat into a ridiculous laughingstock? I’m telling you, I’m already quivering with excitement thinking about how she could be encouraged to resent Poliomy’s patient and, with any luck, her new Master because they are undoubtedly responsible for the hardships that your patient will endure if her recent activities became known to the general public.
Having some varmint tattle on your patient is a pretty devilish idea, don’t you think? Only I could devise an awesome scheme like that. I’m sure one of my more venerable overlings would be capable of handling that little project. Of course, it won’t be you because you, despite your surprisingly productive record, are nothing more to me than a moronic employee. In fact, I doubt very much that you’re capable of moving farther down my Lowerarchy.
At any rate, I’ve digressed again. You should also encourage your patient to be disgusted that Poliomy’s patient has joined the Enemy’s camp. This should be easy enough to manage with there being such a gap between who your patient thinks the Enemy is and who He claims to be. After all, what could Poliomy’s patient and yours possibly have in common now? What agreement can be made between the Enemy’s light and my darkness? What truce can be signed between myself and Him?
The answer? None, nothing, nada. Oh my me, I just crack up every time a varmint thinks that the Enemy and myself could ever coexist peacefully. Isn’t that the funniest joke ever? Maybe one day I can convince a really stupid varmint to support the idea that the Enemy and myself are like-minded or, even better, one and the same. That would be the best joke ever.
At any rate, I have just one more suggestion and I’ve saved the best for last. You should also suggest that your patient doesn’t need the Enemy’s help. This tactic is great to use on a patient who has as much pride as your varmint does. I mean, can you even imagine why a great Female varmint like your patient should listen to Poliomy’s filthy patient lecturing her on what she is doing wrong and how to fix it? I certainly can’t. What need does your patient have for a Beast like the Enemy, anyway? After all, doesn’t He make it His business to hang out with the scummiest of varmints?
Well, I must say, writing about your patient has made me pretty hungry. I think I’ll sign off now and go fix myself a hot steamy drink so that I can toast my very brilliant work. I’m telling you, if it weren’t for me, your patient wouldn’t be in the shape that she is in right now. Just keep grooming her like you have been and all my great advice won’t be wasted. Oh my me, I’m just giddy about the dinner that she is going to make for me as long as you can handle your job.
The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: I chose Placebo as Lasaraleen’s demon name because some years ago, I read about or heard about a medical study done on some new type of medicine. I don’t remember the drug’s name or what it was supposed to treat, but I do remember that doctors had two groups of people to do the test, one on the drug being tested and one on placebo pills. As it turned out, the drug was so effective that they stopped the study earlier than intended and hurried the medicine through the rest of the approval process.
That made me consider the group taking the placebo pills. They quite possibly could have believed that they were getting real treatment and feeling pretty good about it, when, in fact, they were getting nothing but fake treatment and getting sicker. In the same way, Lasaraleen is waltzing through life, under the impression that all is well in her world, when in fact, she is very much in danger.
I think Lasaraleen is an interesting study because she’s not on the “good” side, but she’s not the villain either. When we first meet her, we don’t like her because a character we do like—Aravis—doesn’t like her. But then, after we get to know her, we realize that she’s not really a threat to the plot and we can relax and “enjoy” her goofiness. She’s sort of like “bad” side comic relief and we might even root for her to change, just like we continually root for Corin and his “good” side comic relief, even though he’s rough around the edges.
Bible verses: Acts:17:16; Job 38:1-41:34; Psalm 121:4; Acts 17:21; Eze. 36:26-27; 2 Cor. 5:17; Rev. 3:14-17; Mark 12:41-44; Luke 21:1-4; 1 John 3:10; Acts 17:22-23; Rom. 2:11; James 2:9; Eph. 4:14-16; Acts 17:11; Matt. 16:24; Luke 9:23, 10:25-37; Matt. 5:43-48; Luke 6:27-36; Rom. 6:23; Matt. 20:1-16; Acts 17:24-29; Psalm 86:11; 2 Cor. 5:18-21; Rom. 13:14; Col. 3:12-14; Gal. 5:22-26; Matt. 11:28-30; Prov. 6:16-19; Gal. 5:19-21; Matt. 6:24; Luke 16:13; Josh. 24:15; Matt. 25:1-13; 24:42; John 10-10; 1 Thess. 5:2-10; Rev. 16:15; Prov. 27:17; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 18:20; 1 Thess. 5:11; Psalm 7:15-16; 2 Cor. 6:14-17; 1 John 1:8-10; Luke 5:31-32, 7:36-50