My Dear Atychi,
You’ve got to be the most worthless excuse for a demon that I’ve dealt with in the past few centuries. I mean really, did you realize that you’re as worthless as you are? Probably not. After all, you’re that stupid. I just can’t believe I’m forced to work with morons like you. I shouldn’t have to put up with such inept worthlessness, but what else can I do? You idiots are all I’ve got. I mean really, you just messed up one of the easiest temptations known to us down here. Seriously, how could you blow such a perfect situation? I mean really, you have to be the dumbest devil around.
Now, it’s not as if these last few centuries have been all that great for my side. I mean, I’m not sitting on the Enemy’s throne, am I? Of course not. But I’m certain that it’s all the fault of you and your fellow morons.
And, of course, I’ve been very concerned about one of you worthless imbeciles forgetting to notify me if the Enemy ever calls more Human varmints from another world to come back. Fortunately, this hasn’t happened yet, but you can never let your guard down. After all, the Enemy never slumbers or sleeps. And what’s even worse, He’s always working on the plans that He put in place before creation and, let me tell you, those plans were not made with the idea of letting the vermin suffer, like I would prefer.
Mark my words, one day, He’ll do something positively shocking and unexpected to display His so-called love for all the vermin that He has created and, of course, whatever He does will undoubtedly try to ruin all my plans.
But, let me get back to your situation. As I said before, you just blew the easiest opportunity that you’ll probably ever get. I mean, really, you’re such an idiot.
I, in all my benevolent wisdom, have found that you’re worthy of a little help straight from the bottom. Yes, that’s right, you stupid fool, you should feel pretty special because I’ve decided to take up your case and help you straighten things out. Of course, if I don’t help you, your patient will be lost to me forever. Then again, I’m sure that he already is lost to me because you’re such a worthless imbecile.
Let me lay your mistake out for you, piece by horrible piece, so that you’ll know exactly how worthless you really are. Then you won’t have any doubts about why I’m punishing you with unspeakable tortures for all eternity after you fail.
You’ll recall, of course, that there was a dragon terrorizing the vermin who live on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere. I mean that dragon had those varmints shaking in their boots. He would come out every day and challenge them to defeat him and the vermin were all so afraid that no one dared to fight. In fact, they forgot, and this is critical, that they belong to the Enemy and that He is prepared to fight their battles for them.
Of course, that’s when your patient sailed in, isn’t it? He swooped in and reminded the vermin on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere that they are in the Enemy’s camp, and that enemies of the Enemy don’t stand a chance against His mighty power. Unfortunately, that’s true, but I’m not going to let up my opposition because I simply must have His throne.
Anyway, in order to prove his point, your patient offered to go and defeat the dragon in the Enemy’s name. Well, do you know what horrible thing happened next? I bet you don’t. You’re such a worthless loser that I bet that you weren’t paying attention.
Well, let me tell you, your patient gave all the credit for his victory to the Enemy. I mean really, he wasn’t even proud enough of his own accomplishment to take all the credit. Let me tell you, you’ll pay for that.
How could you miss that your patient gave all the credit for his victory to the Enemy? How could you miss when all those varmints on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere couldn’t stop praising His name. Naturally, it just makes me sick to think of how many varmints I could have had if your patient hadn’t gotten involved. I mean really, my coffers should be overflowing with souls, but as it is they aren’t any more full than before. I mean really, I didn’t pick up one single soul out of all those varmints who witnessed your patient in action. Of course, I’m going to hold you accountable for this atrocious lapse of sound demonic judgement.
In fact, I’m sure that I’ll get to dine on a dinner of one very shortly.
Of course, as a result of your failure, not only has your patient’s faith in the Enemy been strengthened, but all the vermin on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere have been reminded of how much the Enemy loves them and the extent to which He’ll go to rescue them from harm. I mean really, how could you have let this happen? It should have been so easy for you to suggest that your patient succumb to the same fear that all the other varmints gave in too, but, oh no, you blew it, didn’t you? Of course, you did.
Do you know what you should have done? Do you know what I would have done? Of course not, you’re a lousy moron. If you’d known what I would have done then you would have been able to handle the situation and your patient would, undoubtedly, be on his way down to me.
Well, you better just know what a lucky little devil you are. I hope you do because then you’ll have no choice but to honor and glorify me for all my wisdom. Of course, since you’re on my side, you’re required to do that anyway.
But, anyway, as I said before, you’re really lucky because I, in all my wisdom, have decided that you’re worthy of my help. Of course, I can’t tolerate the type of inept work that you produced today, so this is the only time that I’ll be willing to help a stupid moron like you. The next time I hear about you failing to produce the results that I desire, well, let’s just say, you won’t last long and, of course, you’ll suffer unspeakable horrors.
Now, what I would have done is to infect your patient with a good dose of Fear. Fear is a marvelous temptation for my side. Did you know that? Of course not, you’re a worthless fool. Well, let me tell you, it works best on varmints who are as brave as your patient apparently is.
See, a really brave varmint, like your patient, is quite often considered a hero in the eyes of less brave varmints. But what would happen if your patient failed to live up to the other varmints expectations? What would happen if that dragon had gotten the best of your patient? What would have happened if your patient thought that he might? He would have been completely humiliated in front of all his fans, that’s what would happen. Now, let me tell you, that would have been fun to watch.
Of course, as you should know—and I better never find out if you don’t know—embarrassing your patient is not my goal, no matter how much amusement it causes you, and more importantly, me. My aim is strictly concerned with the damnation of your worthless varmint’s soul, but, in this case, your patient’s fear of shaming himself can be used to achieve that very goal.
You see, what if you were to suggest that the Enemy would be ashamed of your patient if he were to fail? Lots of varmints can handle letting other varmints fail every now and again, but for varmints who are in the Enemy’s camp their greatest desire is to please Him, so naturally, they don’t want to do things that would shame them in His eyes. Of course, delightfully, for you and, more importantly, me, the vermin simply can’t help messing up. Sin is a part of their very nature, after all. It’s just a wonder that the Enemy hasn’t done anything to fix that yet.
Isn’t it funny when the vermin don’t want to try something that could be difficult for them, so they use the excuse that they don’t want to put Him to shame? Of course, I know that they’re really much more concerned about not putting themselves to shame. That cracks me up every time.
Now, of course, suggesting to the vermin that the Enemy hates them because they don’t live up to His expectations is really a very good joke for my side, because, of course, the Enemy has never forgotten that He made all the slimy varmints out of dust and that their lives are but a puff of air in the grand scheme of things. But, get this, the Enemy loves their worthless hides anyway. Can you fathom that? I bet you can’t, but don’t worry because I can’t fathom it either. Yes, that’s right, you worthless moron, the Enemy will never withdraw His love for the varmints in His camp, no matter what hideous suggestion we entice them to perform. Isn’t that awful?
Now, the above mentioned information is absolutely critical. You must always keep the Enemy’s mentality in mind when you tempt your patient. Haven’t you ever heard of the saying, “Know your Enemy”? It’s absolutely vital to your success that you always remember who the Enemy is and what motivates His actions even if, no, especially if, you don’t understand what He’s up to. I can guarantee that you’ll never understand His motives, but you must remember who He is. Unfortunately, He’s the Creator of the World, He’s the King above all High Kings, He’s the Great Lion. He’s the Son of the Emperor Across the Sea. Are you getting my point here? You’d better be, listing all the Enemy’s titles makes me just want to scream. I just can’t stand it. I simply must have His throne!
But let me get back to your pitiful performance. Your patient didn’t display Fear today, did he? He threw caution to the wind and disregarded his reputation, didn’t he? Of course, he did. That’s why I’m writing to you, you stupid fool. I’m just certain that your patient didn’t fall for the tactic of Fear because you didn’t apply it correctly. I’m just certain that if the Fear tactic had been properly introduced, you wouldn’t have had trouble enticing him to fall for it.
As it is, things are dreadfully apparent that instead of Fear, your patient displayed perfect love and trust in the Enemy’s protection and provision. He embodied what the Enemy says about perfect love casting out fear and that the greatest love a varmint can have for another is that he would lay his life down for them.
And, yes, I realize that your patient didn’t lay his life down today, but the fact that he fought the dragon suggests that he was willing too.
I mean really, for your patient to put his life on the line like that reminds me of how the Enemy works. Seriously, that’s how much the Enemy loves those varmints that He created.
Of course, I’m quite certain that you find it laughable to think that the Enemy would die for His slimy stupid creation, but I’m not entirely sure—the Enemy has an absolutely horrifying way of displaying His love for His creation. Actually, you can take your patient’s example as a good representation of the kind of love that the Enemy has for all the vermin that He created, and learn from it. Remember: Know your Enemy.
Put another way, your patient has a heart after the Enemy’s own, so I’d better not catch you napping.
Now, just because your patient has a heart after the Enemy’s own, it doesn’t mean that you need to consider your job to be a lost cause although, in your case, I’m sure it is. After all, a varmint is still a varmint.
Let me tell you, your patient’s position as King in the Enemy’s chosen country can be a real advantage for you and, more importantly, me. After all, the luxuries of royalty can make any varmint let down their guard. Then you can swoop in and suggest something terrifically heinous. Then, hopefully, you’ll be able to sit back and watch your patient tumble off his pedestal. And after your patient has done some really great things to displease the Enemy, you can swoop in and suggest that the Enemy has had it with him. That brings us back to the whole Fear suggestion and, of course, I’ve already explained all that.
Now, I’d just like to note one more thing before I leave you to mess up again and eventually wind up on my dinner plate.
You see, the Enemy has told the varmints in His camp that He is ready and willing to help them with all their problems, big or small. The Enemy says that He can handle anything that the vermin throw at Him, and, unfortunately, that’s very true. Anyway, given that, it’s absolutely critical to your future performance that your patient doesn’t remember that the Enemy tells His varmints to present their request to Him. If your patient remembers that, then he might get it into his head that the Enemy will help him overcome the fearful and terrible things that you and, by extension, me, have suggested to him. Of course, if you fall to prevent your patient from contacting the Enemy, well then, even I can’t do anything to help you.
And, for my sake, do be careful. The Enemy has an invisible self—He calls it His Spirit—that helps the vermin speak to Him, even when they don’t know what to say.
Now, don’t be shy or fearful of letting me know if you have any more questions about tempting your patient. I’m completely and utterly devoted to serving the demons under my command. Oh, by the way, I have a really lush and well-watered piece of property that I’m willing to sell you in the barren wasteland that is well south of the Enemy’s chosen country. Are you interested?
The Sensational, Amazing, Preeminent, Inexorable Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: King Gale is only mentioned in The Last Battle, as having lived in the time between The Magician’s Nephew and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Hence his placement here. Also, I’ll ask you to note the slight variation in the closing salutation. I did that to denote the passage of time.
Atychi is named for Atychiphobia, which is Fear of Failure. People with Atychiphobia can be afraid to try something new, which, of course, can hold them back from realizing all the amazing things that God has planned for them. Success and failure are part of life, but if you don’t try, then you’ll never fail—or succeed.
Bible verses: Psalm 121:3-4; Eph. 2:10; Jer. 29:11; Exodus 14:13-14; 1 Sam 17: 37; 2 Chron. 20:17; 1 Sam. 17:32, 45-47, Mark 6:7, 13; Luke 9:1-2; 1 Sam 17:51-53; Rom. 3:23-26; Psalm 103:14; 144:4; James 4:14; 1 John 4:18; John 15:13; Dan. 3:16-18; 1 Sam. 13:14; Acts 13:22; Psalm 55:22, Matt.11:28; 1 Peter 5:7; Phil 4:6; Rom. 8:26-27