My Dear Tele,
Guess what? I’ve got a secret to tell you. However, before I let you in on this juicy little tidbit, I must demand that you take an oath of secrecy. Am I making myself clear? I demand absolute silence from those who I, in all my lofty wisdom and foresight, choose to impart my wisdom on from below. You do understand, don’t you? I bet that you don’t because you’re a complete idiot, but you’d better get the concept into your worthless little airhead fast because I think you’re a really special little moron and I want to help you.
I just have conditions that you have to adhere to before I’m willing to help. You understand, don’t you? I have standards. I’m not the Enemy, after all. You’d better have your act together if you want to get my awesome advice. The Enemy may be willing to take on any weary and burdened varmint who asks Him for help, but I’m not.
Of course, I don’t mind stealing, killing, and destroying them.
At any rate, did you realize that you’re one of a select few of my employees who has the brains to capture my worthy attention? Not many of my employees can say that. Unfortunately, most of them, like yourself, are worthless morons. In fact, you’re so worthless that you’re quite literally in a class by yourself. I mean really, how dumb can you be to think that I would let you graduate from Temptation University because you got good grades?
Seriously, I’m just glad that you added some gossipy and slanderous asides about your classmates and my esteemed staff when you passed notes to get answers in all your classes. That went a long way to saving your worthless hide.
I bet that you didn’t know that I know about your note passing, but I do. And it’s obviously a credit to myself that I have every single note that you wrote in a file down here and I will surely open that file and read aloud all of your bumbling mistakes to my dinner guests before I tear into you with my perpetually gnashing teeth.
I’m telling you what, you’re so high in the Lowerarchy that you probably didn’t realize that getting good grades at Temptation University isn’t a qualification for graduation. I mean really, all my employees have to lie, cheat, and backstab their way to the graduation stage. Why didn’t you do that? As a demon, it’s your natural tendency to do those things anyway. Why didn’t you just do what felt natural? I’m telling you, if you hadn’t tried to outright slaughter all your teachers for giving you passing grades, you wouldn’t be in the field today.
I would have eaten you already.
Oh my me, the fact that you tried and failed to get the best of my staff on the last day of school will surely keep me and my bottom-feeders full of stories to pass on for generations to come. After all, don’t I too need something amusing to gossip about? My existence down here is just too boring to pass by without some good old-fashioned slander.
But, I’m digressing. If I could just be sure that you’d maintain my secret, then I could move on with this fascinating little bit of news that I want to share so badly. Do you promise to keep your big beak shut? I’ll bet that you don’t promise because you were always such a stupid little busybody. A great Devil like me doesn’t enjoy holding his tongue, you know, especially when my own reputation is at stake.
Anyway, my great secret is that I’m very hungry.
Now, I’m sure that you’re wondering why such an important thing as my satisfaction at the dinner table is a big secret but, the fact is, it must be. If it were common knowledge that I’m a bottomless pit and starving due to my employees lack of effort then, I’m sure, I’d have lots to eat. I mean really, don’t all you morons exist to please and serve me? Of course you do.
Now, you’d better get your lousy little forked-tail in gear and spread my secret around to all your idiotic colleagues. After all, isn’t that what secrets and rumors are for? What’s the fun of knowing a juicy tidbit if you’re not going to run your mouth?
Now, I know that your current record is utterly shameful and you’d rather not have that embarrassing fact blabbed around down here, but what do I care? I mean, isn’t my reputation much more important than your own? Of course it is. It would be a real shame if you focused all your attention on your own terrible past shortcomings while I go hungry. Instead, I expect and demand that you focus on getting my temptation tactics correct so that you can start bringing in the goods.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that I want your patient to forget his past mistakes. In fact, I demand that you suggest that he remember them whenever possible. I mean really, so what if the Enemy has removed his sins away from him as far as the east is from the west. After all, why should that matter? Your little punky varmint hasn’t crossed the finish line yet, has he? Of course not. So, for my sake, don’t let him fix his eyes on the Enemy.
Now, as to my specific agenda for your patient. I see great potential for the use of several awesome vices that will, with any luck, help you bring his soul down to me. Those vices are Gossip, Lies, Slander, Scheming, and Sowing Discord. These vices are some of the easiest to use on the vermin because their tongues are such small things and they easily forget what a great fire can be started with such a tiny spark.
As you work on the correct implementation of the tactics I’ve listed above, you must always remember that the Enemy is completely unreasonable and not any fun. He has forever claimed to hate Gossip, Lies, Slander, Scheming, and Sowing Discord because, supposedly, those things are beneath Him and He is just pompous enough to insist that the vermin in His camp represent the kind of character that, He says, represents Himself.
In other words, He seems to think that He can pull a fast one on me and make Himself out to be all loving and forgiving. Well, let me just say, I’m not buying it. I mean, haven’t you heard all the lies that His ranks have spread around about me ever since He created this atrocious world? I’m telling you, their lies about His exploits make for terrible stories. If there’s one thing that shouldn’t be told and retold, it’s all the lies about His success against me. Here’s an example, just so your stupid worthless hide can grasp what’s going on here. Remember their stories about the first day? Remember them? Well, it’s all hearsay..
At any rate, the Enemy seems to want to convince the vermin that they should never hedge on the truth or be angry enough to enact spiteful revenge because He Himself has supposedly never done those things and supposedly provides them with an example of how such a ridiculous thing can be done.
Well, I just can’t believe that He’s the perfect example. I mean, I wouldn’t believe it even if it was spelled out in a book somewhere. Everyone gets even when they’ve been crossed and everyone tells lies or gossips at some point or another. Why, I’m incapable of not doing it.
Did you realize that when the Enemy speaks to or about the vermin in His camp, He claims to do so out of love and with their own well-being in mind. He also claims that His teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training is straightforward.
Well, you know what’s fun for me? Hearing when the vermin claim not to understand Him because they don’t want to hear what He is telling them.
You see, with the Enemy, it’s all His way or the highway. There’s just no wiggle room; only one straight and narrow path. I mean really, He knows every grimy little thing that every varmint has ever done, but He refuses to lower His standards to give them a free pass.
Well, you know what? With the kind of Temptation University graduates that I have, I can’t help but be concerned that His impossibly high standards will one day have terrible consequences for my side.
Anyway, let me get back to your patient. I’ll bet that you’ve been wondering how the tactics of Gossip, Lies, Slander, Scheming and Sowing Discord could be your ticket to lowering your status down here and help you become a more effective employee of mine—which is all I really care about.
Well, it’s like this, if your patient spent his time gossiping and lying about or slandering other vermin’s reputations, or scheming against them, which would naturally create Discord, it would be absolutely wonderful. I mean, isn’t your patient the varmint with such amazing auditory prowess? Of course he is. He can sit under that enormous waterfall in the northern part of the Enemy’s chosen country and hear what is whispered in that garrison where the Enemy sets up Human varmints to rule His chosen country while He ranges far and wide and, unfortunately, does whatever pleases Him.
I mean really, I would literally kill to have that kind of power.
Just think about all the things that he hears on a daily basis whether he wants to or not? Just think of how many other vermin probably trust his word on any given subject because they know that he hears messages far better than they do. Who do you suppose the vermin in the Enemy’s chosen country go to for their world news or for an interpretation of what the Enemy said on His last visit? Think of how much sway your patient has, you moron. Think about it.
Oh my me, I just get devilishly tickled when I think about how I could use your patient for my own ends. Just think of the lies he could get away with spreading? Just think of the sparkling reputations that he could ruin by the timely spreading of a few of my suggestions. Just think of all the discord his words would sow when the other vermin argue about the lies, gossip, and slander that he spreads about them. I mean really, can’t you feel my excitement coming out in this letter?
I’m telling you, I’m so excited about the prospects that lay ahead with your patient. After all, one of my names is the Father of Lies, isn’t it? The Enemy Himself pegged me with that name and I’m very proud of it. After all, who doesn’t want a reputation for being a liar?
Second, these tactics are generally done in secret and that’s where I work best. I mean really, who would be so stupid as to lie about someone to their face? Not the Father of Lies, that’s for sure. Lots of times, the vermin think that if they’re alone or with just one other varmint, then whatever they say won’t spread around. What a marvelous joke. I mean really, if some varmint says “don’t tell so-and-so” isn’t that a license for the hearer to actually tell so-and-so or, even better, someone else? Of course it is.
The only unfortunate thing about this is that a varmint is never really alone. The Enemy has an infernal way of knowing what should quite obviously go unknown.
Well, let me make myself clear, I’m going to even the odds with your patient on my side so you’d better be smart enough to repeat whatever I tell you.
At any rate, the tactics that you’ll be using generally get the most mileage when varmints don’t feel good about themselves because fools like to be miserable together. They even like the saying, “misery loves company” and they like knocking another varmint down because they figure that will make them feel better about themselves. What a great joke that is. It’s not “misery loves company” at all, it’s “someone needs to take my place”.
It’s just unfortunate that the Enemy wants the vermin in His camp to remember that they have all the security that they need in His own self-sufficiency.
You need to be on your guard because He really likes to force that idea on them.
Don’t you remember learning His awful motto at Temptation University? It says something about Himself being enough for suffering vermin and that He is most powerful when His ranks are weak and helpless. Now, doesn’t that beat all? I mean really, how did He convince His gullible ranks to set aside their own status so that He could look great and become more and more influential?
That is, quite frankly, the dumbest thing that I’ve ever heard.
I also like Gossip, Lies, and Slander because speech like that tarnishes the Enemy. Now, that’s what I’m all about. I mean really, when I’m not writing a thousand and one letters to my moronic overlings in the field, I’m dreaming and scheming about how best to attain His throne and all my plans start out with sullying His reputation.
Do you remember learning His two greatest lies at Temptation University? You know, the ones about loving Himself and loving other varmints? Well, those are two quotes that I would like to have abolished. As for me, I like hearing speech that is decidedly unloving, unkind, and best of all, unholy.
You know, it’s just so unfortunate that my researchers have been unable to make the dark times last for a long time in the Enemy’s chosen country. If they ever figure it out, I’m sure that Gossip, Lies, Slander and Discord would really start to flourish and I’d have a lot more of the vermin’s souls to eat.
At any rate, I just wish that the old Witch—who the Enemy unfortunately drove away on the very first day—was here. I’d have my way with His chosen country if that was so. I mean really, here is nothing like darkness to make the vermin forget His light.
Unfortunately, the dark times are as bright as light times to Him so even if the Witch does reappear and takes over His chosen country, He would probably have some way of reassuring the vermin in His camp that He was still with them and they would, unfortunately, they might find hope in the signs that He gives them.
I mean really, the Enemy started messing up my plans for His despicable world from the very beginning. He let those two Human varmints from another world in here and I’m just certain that He has plans to let more and more of those little hairless biped jerks from another world into His terrible world.
Well, guess what? I’m not about to take it lying down. I’m going to be at the forefront of stopping His menace and you’d better help me. In fact, all my employees better help me. All you have to do is be sure to let me know if any other Human varmints from another world appear in this world. Mark my words, I’ll take care of them as long as I get a proper warning from my imbecilic employees—and I’d better get a proper warning. Got it?
Of course, informing me about the presence of Human varmints from another world should come naturally to you because you wrote such great gossipy, slanderous, and lying notes about your classmates, even as you foolishly begged them for answers in all your classes. I mean really, if that doesn’t prove that you can lose for winning, then I don’t know what does.
But again, I’ve digressed. Let me get back to your patient. What if he were to start fibbing a little—just a little, mind you. You don’t want to go overboard right away. Well, wouldn’t he be believed anyway? I mean he has been a completely reliable source in the past, hasn’t he? So why wouldn’t the other vermin trust him even after he changes the stories that he tells?
Think about it. How many varmints would swallow his lies, slander, and gossip simply because he was trustworthy before? I mean, vermin are so ridiculously gullible. Once they hear someone tell the truth—oh I hate that word—they almost automatically assume that the source will remain truthful. Then, hilariously, they grow lazy about checking what their source claims against what the Enemy Himself claims.
And don’t even get me started on how much fun it is to suggest lies that the vermin secretly wishes were true, but really aren’t. I’m telling you, if varmints hear some falsehood that they secretly wish was true, then that’s all the more reason for them to not only not verify it, but also, with any luck, spread it around.
Of course, I must warn you, the Enemy is quite obnoxious in His attempts to set the varmints in His camp straight when they’re talking about Himself but, with any luck, your patient will like my lies better than His lines and become irritated with His attempts to set him straight.
Let me list the tricks that He uses to force His ranks to stay together and, most terribly, sucker other vermin into joining Him.
First off, He uses His own voice to whisper accusations to them and scare them into staying with Him. Now, doesn’t that beat all? The Enemy using accusations to frighten His ranks into staying in His fold? I mean really, what a jailer.
Second, He pressures them by using other vermin from His ranks to do His accusing for Him. You just can’t underestimate the power His followers have to pressure one another to stay under His influence.
Of course, the Enemy would call His interference, in whatever form it comes, something that He does because He loves the vermin and wants the best for them, but I’m sure that that’s a lie.
After all, isn’t the Enemy only a big meddler?
At any rate, you must also be aware that one of the ways the vermin refer to my tactics of Lies, Gossip, or Slander is “defamation of character” and most of them consider it to be very taboo, whether or not they’re in the Enemy’s camp or not. That’s why when you make your suggestions, you should use words like “joke” or “trick” or “stretching the truth”. That will help them feel better about following the suggestions that you’re supposed to give them.
Of course, for the Enemy’s ranks, gossip, lies, and slander are particularly egregious because He calls them to love other vermin and do good to them regardless of how they’re treated in return. I mean sure, most any varmint treats other vermin well if they themselves are treated well, but for the Enemy, that’s not enough. He’s so crazy that He demands that His followers be kind and generous to vermin who treat them like rubbish.
Now, I’ve spent far longer on this letter than I intended too because, after all, you’re to stupid to understand anyway. But I want you to be sure and sound the alarm if you get into a sticky spot because I think you’re an incredibly special moron. Just remember to let me know if your patient ever hears about the Enemy cheating by bringing back any Human varmints from another world. You may even get promoted if you do. But I doubt it.
The Sensational, Amazing, Preeminent, Inexorable,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Moonwood is another in between character that we only learn about in The Last Battle.
Tele is named for the game of “Telephone” where people sit in a line and the first person whispers a word or phrase in the next person’s ear and it travels down the line until it’s revealed at the other end—usually quite mangled or altogether different from the original word or phrase.
I understand that the game is, in some places, called Chinese Whispers. It sounded like a good name for a demon who tempts his patient to gossip, lie, and slander because, in the game, the end message is generally completely different from the original one. Likewise, Moonwood may hear the message perfectly well, but after it travels around, without being verified, it might not be the same message. Even worse would be if Moonwood himself tweaks a message that he’s given or spreads gossip that wasn’t for his ears to hear and it’s believed and spread around.
Bible verses: Matt. 11:28-30; John 10:10; Prov. 21:23; Psalm 103:12; Phil. 3:12-14; Heb. 12:1-3; Prov. 6:16-19; James 3:3-6; Prov. 3:12; Heb. 12:6-10; Tim. 3:16-17; Matt. 13:14-15; Mark 4:12; Matt. 7:13-14; John 14:6; Rom. 5:6-8; John 8:44; Mark 4:22; Luke 8:17, 12:2-3; Matt. 6:1-18; 2 Cor. 12:9-10; Matt. 7:12, 22:37-39; John 11:10; Psalm 139:12; Luke 1:76-79; Acts 17:11; Rom. 12:2; Luke 15:3-32; Rom. 8:1-39; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 18:15-17; Gal. 6:1-2; Matt: 7:9-11; Luke 6:32-36