My Dear Poliomy,
I really can’t tell you how dumbfounded I am that all your brilliant work has so quickly evaporated into nothing. What happened?
I mean really, it wasn’t very many weeks ago that your filthy patient was perfectly content to drug her slave varmint and not care in the slightest what happened to her. I’m telling you, I thought I might be adding your name to the ranks on my most prized employees when that happened. I could just smell your soiled patient’s rotting flesh burning in my fiery cauldrons when I saw how effectively you whispered my suggestion into her ear and she listened to you.
It was so exciting to see her riding your colleague, Orp’s, patient into the woods to pay homage to those two goddesses who she was led to believe, by my brilliant scheming, actually existed. I mean really, what a joke. After all, I’m the only one in this world who is worth venerating. It’s just got to be some awful joke that the Enemy has set Himself above me. I mean really, why should He get credit for everything? What does He have that I don’t?
But, I digress. Let me tell you, I could just taste your corrupt patient’s delightfully slimy flesh between my gnashing teeth as she held that dagger over her chest and prepared, albeit unknowingly, to enter my country. I mean seriously, I was just salivating at the thought of eating her tortured flesh. I know that you can’t possibly fathom how rabidly I was anticipating the opening of a dinner platter and beholding your dirty patient as my main course. I mean really, I was so proud of how you were using my great advice at that moment. The suggestion that your grimy patient should simply end her life instead of pushing through the tough times was so brilliant that I’m just certain I was the one who taught it to you.
Well, like I said, I can’t even begin to explain how dumbfounded I am that you let all your years and years of productive work slide away into nothing. Do you know why I can’t explain it? It’s because I’m not dumbfounded at all, you idiot. I’m actually livid.
You stupid, stupid fool!
You imbecile!
You worthless moron!
You ingret!
How could you be so derelict with your scummy little brat all of the sudden? How could you be such a fool? How could you let all my great ideas go down the drain? Why didn’t you stop the bleeding before it was too late? How could you not see that your useless patient was slowly slipping out of my clutches? How could you not see it?
I mean really, now, instead of your despicable little varmint’s rotting stinking flesh on my dinner table, all I can smell is the reeking stench of the Enemy when I look at her. I’m telling you, it’s enough to make me want to explode. I mean seriously, even if I couldn’t smell the Enemy every time I look at your worthless patient, I’d know that He had everything to do with your recent failures. He just has this horrible way of snatching my hard work away from me, even at the last moment. I’m telling you, I’m so livid right now that fireballs are shooting out of my mouth.
Of course, I’m well aware that you had lots of help when it came to your recent failings, but I’m not about to let you off. All my employees had better know that they live to please me and if they fail to do my bidding then I’ll eat them. You certainly can’t blame Orp for your sudden slide, even if he couldn’t keep his shy nervous patient quiet while your despicable varmint stabbed herself down to my dinner table.
You know why you can’t blame Orp for your recent troubles? Because it’s never the start of a varmint’s story that matters; it’s always about the end of their story. After all, the Enemy knows that He created the vermin from dust and He knows that they don’t always know what they’re doing. That’s why He gives them both Himself and other vermin to help them along in their journey.
Did you realize that it’s the Enemy’s goal to write His own story on the heart of every varmint that He created? Oh yes, He wants their history to be His legacy, and that’s what I’m up against. I mean really, your grubby patient is an empty page to Him. Her life is an open book as far as He’s concerned. I mean seriously, all He wants to do is make His mark on her life. Well, guess what, you stupid fool? It’s your job to see that He doesn’t get to do that. After all, I’d like to make some marks on your stinking patient’s flesh too—teeth marks, that is.
But, let me get back to your story. I mean really, didn’t you happen to notice that the Enemy Himself came to help your filthy patient and her three varmint friends that horrible night when the four of them first met? Didn’t you notice that He Himself came to help them, even before they knew that they needed His help?
Surely you noticed Him, right? I mean really, how could you not know that it was Him, especially since He makes everyone on my side shudder and I’m quite certain that all four of you miserable cretins were quaking on your talons.
Well, you know what makes me even more livid about that night? I’m just livid because the Enemy has no right to be here in this country that likes me and hates Him. I mean really, how dare He barge in on my turf. Doesn’t He understand that the vermin in that country don’t want Him around? Who gave Him the right to feed crumbs to those vermin who like me and hate Him?
Say, do you understand the situation that your sudden incompetence has put you in now? I bet that you don’t because you’re such s stupid fool, so let me tell you. None of your past awesome work matters in the slightest any more. Your great record was completely wiped out when your grimy patient met the Enemy face to face and accepted His free gift of salvation. I mean really, your filthy patient accepted His forgiveness for all of the despicably awesome things that she did when she was listening to my suggestions and now He isn’t going to hold those awesome things against her. I mean seriously, why should the Enemy have the right to tell your grubby patient that she can stand before Him uncondemned?
I mean really, He wiped her great record of sins clean and He told her that He has washed her as white as wool or snow.
Ah, snow. That word conjures up so many great memories for me about when my friend ruled the Enemy’s chosen country and a lot of vermin lost hope of Him ever returning and fulfilling His promise to set that land free. Unfortunately, I was all too aware that He would fulfil His promise to come back and save the vermin in His camp and it just makes me gnash my teeth when something happens to remind me of that awful time. That’s why I’m so irate now because, given all that’s happened with your disgusting patient and her vermin companions, He has obviously fulfilled another one of His promises.
But I digress. Did you listen to the Enemy when He was talking with your dirty patient? Oh my me, you didn’t listen, did you? You’re to stupid to understand when He says something that is absolutely critical to your worthless varmint’s survival, aren’t you? Oh my me, it’s just like I knew all along. You’re a complete moron.
Well, since I’m so benevolent and awesome, I’ll tell you what He said. Never forget that, okay? I’m in your corner. I’ve got your back. I’m smart enough to listen when He says something that could ruin my plans, and, let me tell you, He ruined my big plans for your patient when He talked with her and she accepted both His admonishments and His forgiveness for her past actions.
Anyway, He told your despicable patient that His paws were velveted and that He wouldn’t rip up her back again. He also absolved her of any further guilt as to what her old slave varmint’s life would be like. He said that slave varmint’s story was her own and that He wasn’t going to tell your nasty patient any more about it.
Since your filthy patient won’t know the rest of that slave varmint’s story, she’s much less likely to feel guilty about her actions as time moves on. She may even start believing that the Enemy holds that slave varmint in His paws just like He holds her and every other varmint. I mean really, what a ridiculous joke. Seriously, why in my name would He care about a worthless wretch like your despicable patient?
If you hadn’t been so busy fooling around with your feathers you’d have easily picked up on this yourself. I know that because I’ve seen that your previous work was very successful. What you should have done is suggest that your dirty patient didn’t need to obtain the Enemy’s forgiveness and salvation in order to live a perfectly good life. After all, wasn’t she doing just fine before He intervened with all His rules and regulations?
Oh my me, I need to correct the huge misconception that the Enemy gives salvation away for free and I need to do it fast. That’s where you come in, my fine scaly idiot. You must daily remind your disgusting patient of all the horrible deeds that she’s committed to all the vermin whose lives she has undoubtedly ruined by her past actions. You must suggest to her that the Enemy couldn’t possibly forgive the laundry list of sins that she has racked up and, even if He could, why would He? After all, freedom from sin and death isn’t free, is it? Of course, it isn’t. The Enemy must expect something in return for His sacrifice.
Seriously, the Enemy is so holier than thou that there’s just no way that He would take time for your little louse. You did such a nice job on her, during her early years, that there’s no way He would touch her now. I mean really, I bet the Enemy isn’t even going to give your wretched varmint a passing glance. She will undoubtedly remain dirty in His eyes for as long as she lives. How could He ever see her as one of His own?
Oh, if only that were true but, unfortunately, it’s not. The Enemy is indeed not only capable of forgiving your dirty patient—and every other scummy varmint in this world—but He is also more than willing to do just that. He absolutely loves it when one of His wayward creations comes into His camp. In fact, He and His employees cheer when that awful event happens.
But, like I’ve already said, that’s where you come in. You must keep that nasty truth out of your ignominious patient’s head.
Now, I’ve seen your previous work so I know that you can handle this parly tactic. I’m not like the Enemy, who has endless patience with His wretched sinful creation. I’ll send you an invitation to my dinner table the nanosecond that you mess up again.
Now, being that your dirty varmint is new to the Enemy’s camp, she should be more malleable to your suggestions than someone who has walked with the Enemy for a long time. Although, make no mistake, I’m smart enough to fool any varmint who isn’t in daily contact with the Enemy, no matter how long they claim to have been in His camp.
I’m telling you, that’s the best part about being me. Watching one of the Enemy’s great ambassadors fall into some snare that I’ve set up for them is such a delight. It just reeks havoc on that varmint’s testimony about the Enemy’s power and can ruin their ability to sign up more recruits for His camp. It’s rather funny, but vermin are much less forgiving towards their own kind than the Enemy is.
Do you want to know what else I find hilarious? I think it’s so funny when the Enemy tells a varmint, like your nasty patient, that He has washed their sins away.
I mean really, does He really think that your soiled patient is going to forget what she’s done? Does He think that just because He has moved her past sins away from her as far as the east is from the west that I can’t have loads of fun dredging them all up and dangling them in front of her? Seriously, you can have so much fun suggesting that your piece of trash remember what she’s done, even though the Enemy says that she has been remade.
Oh yes, listen well and remember this, you worthless ingrate, you must suggest that the Enemy really does care about all about the choices that she made in the past and that He’s adding up the sum of her past mistakes. With all the problems that she’s created, He wouldn’t possibly reach out and take hold of her. I mean really, your disgusting brat is the same little brute that she always has been. Seriously, why would the Enemy take time to remake filthy scum like her?
Don’t forget, if your filthy brat remembers all of her past sins then the Enemy does too. After all, He knows everything, doesn’t He? Of course, He does. If He were really loving and merciful, like He claims to be, you’d think that when He wipes your scummy patient’s record clean, He would also wipe away her memories. If your patient remembers all her dreadfully awesome past actions, doesn’t it follow that the Enemy hasn’t really wiped her record clean? Of course it does.
Now, the fact that your nasty patient really doesn’t have a spotless record isn’t the only suggestion that you should keep on her mind. After all, my side can’t put all our eggs in one basket now, can we? Of course not. You must be very versatile because the Enemy always seems to have a counter punch.
You must also suggest that she never forget that the Enemy gave her a raw deal. Those two older vermin who she lived with when she was a very small brat didn’t care about her in the slightest, did they? They were willing to sell her off to some fabulously lusting ugly old hunchback, weren’t they? Then she had to travel with your colleague, Schizo’s patient. He was way beneath her station, wasn’t he? I mean really, what a joke.
But, oh my me, your soiled patient’s attitude toward Schizo’s patient has changed, hasn’t it? Of course, it has. And do you know why that happened?
I’ll bet that you don’t know. Like I said before, you’re too stupid to understand when the Enemy does something critical to your useless patient’s survival—and by survival, I mean that His primary concern is the vermin’s spiritual survival. After all, every varmint will eventually leave this world and the Enemy is always wanting them to join Him in His Country. It’s really a travesty when that happens.
How could you, with your previously awesome record, not have seen this coming? You should have kept her mind on things below, you worthless ingrate. Then she wouldn’t have so easily begun to see Schizo’s varmint like the Enemy does.
Seriously, I saw you cheer with glee when the Enemy ripped your worthless patient’s back to shreds and I bet that you thought that she’d never forgive Him for making her suffer, didn’t you? Well, once again, I was right and you proved that you’re a moron. I mean really, you stopped listening to the Enemy’s conversation with your filthy brat after He hurt her because you figured that she’d never forgive Him but I was smart enough to listen in and now, because I’m just that type of Devil, I’m going to help you out and tell you what He taught her.
One of His lessons was that Schizo’s patient is really the type of Male varmint that she should be close friends with. He’s not like all those delightful Male varmints that she hung around when she was a small brat. Well, mark my words, now that she sees Schizo’s patient in a new light, they will undoubtedly cause you all kinds of trouble.
The other lesson He taught your nasty patient is that she should treat other vermin with more love. The Enemy is especially fond of the despicable virtue called love because that is what He Himself is and if the vermin in His camp treat other vermin with love, then lots of other vermin will get to know the Enemy. I mean really, it’s such a shameless recruitment tactic and I just want to explode whenever it works. Do you recall that the Enemy likes to say that vermin should treat other vermin the way they themselves want to be treated? He also likes to say that the vermin should treat their neighbors like they treat themselves.
Don’t you recall learning those lines in your Enemy’s Quotations class at Temptation University? Don’t you? Don’t you? Oh, that’s right, you never went to class, but that’s why you graduated as Valedictorian.
Of course, let me make something clear, I’m not at all opposed to vermin treating other vermin well. After all, great advantage can be gained from treating someone in one’s general vicinity well. Besides, who is a varmint’s neighbor anyway? All that really matters is that the vermin don’t start discussing the Enemy characteristics and, above all, that they don’t start believing His message.
But, let me move on to another tactic that is quite effective and loads of fun. As I’ve already stated, your disgusting patient is new to the Enemy’s camp so I’m sure that she must feel pretty uncomfortable around all those vermin who the Enemy has made into self-righteous punks like Himself. I mean seriously, how could those other vermin, who have been long established as some of the Enemy’s greatest ambassadors, even look your worthless patient in the eye? How could your filthy varmint ever think that she could be just as clean as they are? I mean really, they have a lot of nerve to even suggest that she could be on their level.
Well, the fact that your awful patient is uncomfortable around such stunning testimonies of the Enemy’s great power is truly an advantage for you. You can suggest that these vermin are in the Enemy’s camp because they deserve to be there.
Of course, at one point, they were all just as filthy as your own varmint but she doesn’t know that and she better not find out. All she sees is what’s in front of her at this moment, so you should suggest to her that the other vermin have always been clean in the Enemy’s eyes. Obviously, that’s why He chose them to rule His chosen country and the southern country that He loves. They deserve it.
Also, you should suggest to your ignominious patient that the Enemy demands that the vermin in His camp be completely clean upon entry into His ranks. You must suggest that she is much too dirty to compete with the likes of those varmints around her. Of course, I’m counting on you to not be so stupid as to let your patient discover that Enemy doesn’t consider His ranks to be reserved for the vermin who deserve to stand with Him—after all, He would be quite lonely if that were the case.
In fact, I’m the only one who is great enough to be in that position, but, unfortunately, the Enemy doesn’t seem to care about that.
At any rate, you must keep your disgusting wretch from discovering that the Enemy’s ranks are full of disgusting wretched varmints just like her. You must, at all costs, keep her from discovering that the Enemy is pleased to have her company and that she can join His ranks just as she is.
Oh sure, her life has been a hard road to walk on, and she, undoubtedly, has blisters on her feet from walking across the desert when Orp’s patient needed a break from carrying her, and her heart has been broken many times recently. Well, you know what, you lousy buffoon? None of that matters to the Enemy. None of it matters whatsoever. I mean really, it’s enough to make me want to scream.
He wants her to come to Him with all her heartaches and all her mistakes. He wants her to come to Him even though she’s hurt and scared and falling apart. He wants to carry her burdens for her because, unfortunately, He loves her and He wants to give her rest.
Of course, He will ask her to carry His yoke but, unfortunately, it is easy and light—not at all like the burdens that He wants to carry for her. I mean seriously, I just hate to look at her now because she knows that He loves her.
Now, let me caution you about a potentially significant problem and you’d better be smart enough to heed my great advice. The younger Male ruler from the Enemy’s chosen country, who your patient has recently made contact with, was quite possibly the worst sinner that this world has ever seen before the Enemy got ahold of him. However, ever since He rescued that punk’s worthless hide he has become a huge thorn in my side. I mean seriously, I just can’t understand how the Enemy was able to look him in the eye after he made contact with my old friend, but unfortunately, He did and now that punk is quite detrimental to my plans.
Say, did you realize that those four punks who rule the Enemy’s chosen country are from another world? I’ll bet that you didn’t because, until recently, you’ve been working so effectively with your worthless patient.
Well, the Enemy kept those four varmints around here much longer than I like. In fact, I wish they’d never come at all so I really wish they’d just leave and never come back. It’s just unfortunate that the Enemy controls that and He didn’t ask my opinion. I mean really, what a jerk.
But, once again, I digress. After all, you devils in the field must learn to work in hostile conditions. With my extraordinary help, you’ll be able to muddle your way through the Enemy’s brightness.
Anyway, what is crucial to your success is for you to see to it that your wretched patient doesn’t become a close friend of that younger Male ruler or any of his siblings or their friends in the southern country that the Enemy loves. It will only give you a horrible headache if those varmints start influencing her by telling their stories about how the Enemy has guided them to green pastures and quiet waters and through the valley of death and on paths of righteousness. It would also be terrible for you—and, more importantly, me—if they told her that His paws and roars comfort them and that they don’t fear my side because He is with them.
Seriously, don’t let your grubby patient find those things out. I think I’ll just explode if I start thinking about the irreparable damage that could be done to my plans for your nasty patient if she finds stuff like that out.
But, hey, all you have to do is be smart enough to suggest that your slimy varmint keep her distance from those punks. Given your past accomplishments, this should be easy for you. Then again, if you fail—and given your recent performances, you undoubtedly will—I’ll be seeing you at my next feast and, mind you, not as a guest.
On the other hand, if you do fail to keep all of those self-righteous punks from the Enemy’s camp from influencing your slimy patient, all is not lost. You see, it would be excellent if you could get your wretched patient to believe that she is actually just as clean as those jerks who have been long established in the Enemy’s camp. Oh, what a great joke that would be.
See, if your disgusting varmint becomes close to the rulers of the Enemy’’s chosen country and the southern country that He loves then they might start letting her travel to various lands to help them spread the Enemy’s horrible message about His power.
Well, let’s just say that if your corrupt patient went back to the land that the Enemy called her out of then you should suggest that she commit some sin in front of her old compatriots after she’s finished telling them about Him. I’m telling you, it would be great if she followed your advice and relapsed when she gets around some of the vermin who knew her before she joined the Enemy camp.
Now, if you could manage to handle this parly tactic, you would undoubtedly descend to a very low level on the Lowerarchy. In fact, you might even get close to being on my level. Oh man, I just cracked myself up. I mean seriously, one of my employees sinking low enough to join me? Don’t make me laugh.
Say, do you know what vermin from the Enemy’s camp who have fallen into this particular snare are called? It’s a really delightful term known as a hypocrite.
I’m telling you, hypocrites are the best for my side. They wreak havoc on the Enemy’s recruitment stats and, like I said before, other vermin aren’t nearly as forgiving toward their own kind as the Enemy is. Best of all, lots of vermin are particularly unforgiving toward the Enemy’s ranks when they mess up. I get excited just thinking about it.
Of course, you’ll have to be very careful if your dirty varmint does travel abroad as an ambassador for the Enemy. She may wind up influencing some of her old compatriots to join His ranks. I worry most about your colleague, Placebo’s, patient joining the Enemy’s side because of your disgusting patient’s testimony. Placebo’s patient will be extremely interested in your patient’s new life and position and how it might benefit herself and I worry because the Enemy might use her own selfish desires to bring her close to your disgusting patient and then introduce Himself to her.
And, yes, the Enemy does shameless things like that because He thinks that He runs this world.
Anyway, you must see to it that your filthy brat maintains her aversion toward Placebo’s patient. It would be very helpful to Placebo if you could manage that.
Of course, Placebo must stand on his own talons and what do you care if he fails? At least you’d better not care. Besides, he’s been doing a pretty good job with his varmint so I’m not too worried. Then again, given your recent failings, I’m going to write to him with some helpful hints when I get the chance.
I mean really, with all these recent happenings, I’m a busy Devil. I’ve got lots and lots of letters to dictate to my stupid scribe and, what’s worse, I have tons and tons of mistakes to correct. I just better get a good meal out of all this, do you hear me? Then again, I’m sure that you won’t be able to provide your worthless patient for that meal. After all, you’ve become much too inept to handle her.
Do you know what that means? It means I’ll be eating you, you stupid buffoon.
I mean really, don’t you know how livid I am because you didn’t do a better job at suggesting that your disgusting patient take Placebo’s patient’s advice? She could have stayed in the land that worships me and married that old hunchbacked idiot that she hates so much. Seriously, you could have stopped the bleeding right then and there if you’d done a better job. I thought I’d just explode when your dirty brat rowed away in that little dingy to keep her promise to the other vermin she was travelling with.
And don’t blame your failure on your colleague, Jester, either. He was doing an amazing job with his own patient in that room. Why should a valuable employee like Jester waste his energy to help a moron like you? Although, granted, it would have been really fun to watch your nasty patient and Placebo’s patient if Jester’s patient had caught on to their presence.
Anyway, you didn’t stop the bleeding and you’ve turned from being one of my most prized cretins into being one of the biggest imbeciles that I employ. I mean seriously, can you fathom how much I hate you because you’re so worthless? I’ll bet that you can’t because you’re a real stupid fool.
Well, know this, you moron, because of your sudden and disappointing dereliction of duty, your patient may very well become a very significant ambassador for the Enemy in that southern country that He loves. And, do you know what else might happen? She might give birth to a little brat who turns out to be a really great ambassador too. You have to watch for that when you tempt a Female varmint, you know. Oh, I bet you don’t know; you’re a real idiot, after all.
Now, just one more word before I sign off. Quit fooling around, you moron, and do your job like you used too. I’m not about to tolerate any more shenanigans from you. I still have a craving for your patient and I’m especially furious about what the Enemy has done for her.
The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Poliomy comes from Poliomyelitis, better known as the Polio virus. One synonym for “hindrance” is “crippling”. Polio can be physically crippling to its victims, so I thought if Poliomy convinced Aravis that the Enemy couldn’t or wouldn’t forgive her for all her sins, that would hinder her willingness and ability to walk a life of faith.
Bible verses: Ex. 20:3-5a; Col. 1:15-20; John 14:6; Heb. 10:36-37; 2 Cor. 2:15-16; Luke 23:40-43; Psalm 103:14; Rom. 7:15-25a; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 18:20; Rom. 5:3-8, 8:26-27; 12:15-16; Phil. 4:6-7; John 10:16; James 2:19; Matt. 15:21-28; 1 Peter 3:18-22; Isa. 1:18; Psalm 95:3-7; Matt. 6:33; 16:25-26; John 3:16-21; Eph. 2:8-10; Luke 19:10; Matt. 18:13; Luke 15:7, 10, 32; 2 Peter 3:9; Prov. 3:3-8, 7:3-5; Psalm 103:12; Phil. 3:12-14; 1 Tim. 6:17-19; 1 Cor. 10:13; Rom. 12:3; John 14:2-3; Phil. 4:8; Col. 3:1-17; John 13:34-35; 1 John 4:7-21; Matt. 7:12, 22:39; Mark 12:31; Luke 6:31; Matt 5:46-48; Luke 10:25-37; Rom. 8:1-17; 2 Cor. 5:16-6:2; Psalm 103:8-11; Matt. 9:10-13; Mark 2:15-17; Luke 5:29-32; 7:36-50; Matt. 11:28-30; 2 Cor. 12:7b-8; Psalm 23:2-4; Luke 18:9-14; Matt. 28:18-20, 23:13-28; Luke 11:39:46; Ruth 4:18-22