My Dear Ream,
Do you remember the great speech that I gave when you and your despicable colleagues graduated from Temptation University? I told you all that my splendid goal for this terrible world was to one day convince all the vermin that the Enemy created to forget His noxious qualities and supposed past activities and to finally realize that He and I are very like-minded and that, in fact, we are actually one and the same.
I’m quite sure that you remember my great speech because, quite frankly, who could forget anything that a great Devil like me would say? Also, I remember quite vividly that you and all my other employees jumped right up and gave me the standing ovation that I so obviously deserved. Thirdly, I remember that you were the one who cheered the loudest.
Of course, ever since my glorious speech, I see that you’ve forgotten everything about it because your haphazard on-the-job performance is the shame of my country. I mean really, if you’d been taking care of business, your patient wouldn’t remember the old-fashioned simple ways of a bygone pathetically Enemy-influenced era.
I’m telling you, if only you had the sense to take advantage of the leadership that the vermin who don’t acknowledge the Enemy’s existence provide for His chosen country. They’ve done such a fabulous job for my side by creating conditions where worship of Himself is either taboo or downright illegal so if you’d worked more closely with your brilliant colleague, Fratri, you might have been able to retrain your patient to hold onto more temporary tangible things.
I mean really, give me a perishable substance to believe in any day.
You know, I was livid when your patient embraced your colleague, Pavo’s patient, as the heir to the Enemy’s chosen country’s throne when that Human brat showed up with one of the Enemy’s favorite weapons. Your tiny colleague, Carios, tried to help you out by inciting his patient against Pavo’s patient, but your patient actually fought against the idea instead of amicably accepting the opinions of his two roommates and so-called friends.
I’m telling you, I just crack up when the vermin confuse the horrible virtue of Peace with the more productive ideas of Tolerance or Indifference.
Why didn’t you suggest that Pavo’s patient was just more of the same crew as Fratri’s patient? After all, it’s a perfectly legitimate assumption because they are, in fact, related, aren’t they? Of course, they are. I mean really, Pavo’s patient would be six feet under if you’d followed Carios’ lead.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind your patient’s historically nostalgic idea that the Human vermin should rule the Enemy’s chosen country but I also remember that my best era came about when my old friend, a non-Human, ruled His chosen country with a wand and lots of stone statues.
I also know all that stuff about the magic from before the dawn of time and all, but I don’t see any reason why your patient needs to remember it. It’s all just a bunch of silly nonsense anyway. Why should he waste his time? It would be much more convenient for me if he only bothered with the magic that started when time dawned.
And, really, is learning about the past necessary at all? Isn’t it enough for the measly vermin to just slog through their own terrible lives in the here and now? Is the past even relevant in today’s savage world?
It’s just so pathetic and useless for your patient to remember and live by the rules of a bygone Enemy-influenced era but, to make matters even worse, your laziness has allowed him to go around trying to convince other vermin to believe the same nonsense that he does. It would be much better if he had just gotten tired of all his compatriots’ delightful Faithlessness and decided to leave society to live out his days in solitary confinement. If I had it my way, he would have kept all his faith, hope, and love to himself, instead of being a bothersome badger to all the other vermin.
After all, clearly the Enemy has forsaken His ranks because they’ve done something terribly wrong, so why should your patient waste his time by continually suggesting that his compatriots also have the terrible virtue of Patience and all the other awful things that are associated with it? I mean really, if you weren’t such a blithering idiot, your patient would realize that the Enemy’s relationship with His ranks has changed.
Undoubtedly, over these last centuries, He has made it clear that He won’t be making Himself so accessible anymore and I intend to keep on taking full advantage of that.
But now let me make another point about your patient’s roommates and so-called friends. Fortunately for me, your small colleague, Carios, knows that my wrath is far worse than anything the Enemy can dish out so he works overtime to drain off all that despicable living water that, unfortunately, refreshes your patient each and every day.
On the other hand, your colleague Pyrrho has been struggling lately and, unfortunately, it’s your fault. If his patient hadn’t been subjected to your patient’s constant harping about his own personal beliefs then maybe his patient would still be a splendid doubter.
Of course, your shoddy work isn’t the only thing that has recently interfered with my great plans for the Enemy’s awful creation. I’ll bet that you didn’t know this because you’re such a diligent capable little demon and you just haven’t taken time to pick your nose up off the grindstone but, unfortunately, the Enemy has broken His promise to never return to this world Humans varmints from another world who have been here before.
Yes, that’s right, you moronic little fool, He has brought back Human vermin from another world who have been here before and, unfortunately, it’s the four terrible Human varmints who used to rule His chosen country.
I’m telling you, I don’t understand it at all. The last time that those worthless punks were running amuck in His chosen country they were terrible loathsome warriors in His army but now that they’ve reappeared, they’re only puny children. Well, mark my words, if you’re so worthless as to ignore the very serious threat that they pose to my great plans, then I’ll have you plucked and boiled in sulfur and brimstone.
O my me, can you imagine what your patient will think if he gets the chance to meet the four awful Human varmints who used to rule here? Because of your slack attitude, he’ll probably think that their reappearance is a sign of the Enemy’s so-called mercy and justice because that is the pretext that He used the last time He brought them here and He is too pathetic to create a new excuse for their return.
Of course, if I’m lucky, then those four awful Human varmints from another world who used to rule here will have forgotten about the Enemy’s past activities just as much as your patient remembers them. Wouldn’t that be a splendid shock for him if it happened?
You know, if you weren’t such an idiot then you wouldn’t have forgotten the most basic rule in devilry: the Enemy’s willingness to tell lies about what He has supposedly done in the past and break His promises about the present and the future is something that you have to constantly guard against. I’m telling you, how could anyone call me the Father of Lies when He has recently proven that He Himself deserves that title.
Won’t it be hilarious when my side convinces the vermin in His camp that He and I are actually one and the same?
But I digress. Let me move on to a third point of correction. I’m just positive that the old weapon that your colleague, Quisling’s patient, found and Pavo’s patient used has something to do with your inability to do your job effectively. After all, possession of this weapon allows a varmint to have direct secret conversations with the Enemy, regardless of the laws of the land and, quite frankly, I’ve never ruled out the fact that your patient might have gotten his paws on it before Quisling’s patient did.
What with your lazy conduct, I’m sure that such a dubious task would be simple for such a disgustingly brainwashed varmint like your patient.
Do you remember when, in your old History class at Temptation University, your esteemed professor taught your class that the weapon in question used to belong to that sensuous older Female who used to rule here and just returned with her terrible relations? I bet that you don’t remember because no employee of mine would be so dumb as to sit in a desk at my most prestigious school. Well, just because I care about you so much, let me give you a little review.
After that hot older Female ruler and her horrible relations left many centuries ago I, being the smart Devil that I am, realized that she’d left her frustratingly potent weapon behind for anyone to stumble upon. Well, do you know about the great plan that I devised? Of course, you don’t. You’re much to stupid to have bought a History book and studied that awful chapter. Well, anyway, I hurriedly made plans for one of my secret employees to retrieve and destroy the weapon before it could cause any more aggravation but, unfortunately, it mysteriously disappeared before my idiot employee could find it.
Can you imagine the fireball that exploded from my beak after I got that horrid news?
Now here’s the curious part. For many centuries, I suspected that the weapon was hidden away in the southern country that the Enemy loves because the rulers of that terrible weakling country have remained well-acquainted with Himself and His old-fashioned ways even as His chosen country opted to let go of their memories of Him.
Isn’t that why Quisling’s patient directed Pavo’s patient toward their leader before he ran into that tree and was found by you and your colleagues’ patients? Didn’t Quisling’s old patient say that those awful leaders in the southern country that the Enemy loves would sympathize with Pavo’s patient if he tried to return His chosen country to all that nonsense that He likes?
Well, you know who else sympathized with that Pavo’s little brat? Your patient sympathized with him, that’s who. I’m telling you, the only conclusion that I can come up with is that your patient, or one of his horrid relations, found out where the horrid weapon was being hidden and then decided to burrow under the border to obtain and saved it for a time when someone like Quisling’s old patient would come poking around after it.
And, of course, while your patient and his kinsmen were waiting around for some varmint to come looking for that ghastly weapon, and actually expecting this whole horrible new episode to start, they must have had time to get familiar with the weapon and, who knows, they probably used it too. Who knows? I bet that you don’t.
I mean really, isn’t that a cheap shot? Undoubtedly, the border controls that Fratri’s patient has set up along the pass leading to the southern country that the Enemy loves would have stopped Quisling’s washed-up patient but, with your lazy effort, I bet that your patient could tunnel under the border and back before you even knew he was gone.
Well, you can take this to the bank, you worthless moron, if I ever find out that your patient or any of his kind had anything to do with Quisling’s patient’s recovery of that despicable weapon, then I’ll skin you alive, boil your bones, and fry your flesh. In fact, just now, I’m going to send one of my most formidable secret employees to check for holes near the border that your patient might have dug.
Then I’ll know just how good a liar you really are.
I’m telling you, the secret communications with the Enemy that your patient has undoubtedly had is precisely what confounds my side about vermin in His camp. Didn’t Fratri’s patient and his mighty ancestors create a perfectly scrumptious country without bothering about the Enemy’s opinion? So why does your patient and his relations continue to hold onto the boring notion that the Enemy is a control freak who likes to bother about His ranks?
If you were worth your salt, you’d have convinced him that he too could get through his measly existence just as well, if not better, without being concerned with the Enemy’s opinion or His cumbersome old ways.
Now, before I sign off, I want to make sure that you don’t misunderstand me. I really completely understand why you thought that you could slack off on your assignment. After all, the Enemy hasn’t been a physical threat to my side in His chosen country since long before you graduated from Temptation University so it’s completely reasonable for you to think that you could take it easy.
Then again, that also proves how inept you are because the Enemy is always lurking and you must always be ready to stand up against Him.
Of course, being the enlightened Devil that I am, I’ve never slacked off especially on my letter writing. Let me tell you, when one of my employees blows his assignment, I’m always the first one to tell him exactly what I think.
That being said, let me reassure you that this little mess that you’ve made can easily be mopped up and your future tempting can still become a shining example of how great I am. You only need to do exactly what I tell you.
I bet that patient thinks that he is really smart for trusting the Enemy to interfere with all my great plans in His own time? Am I right? Of course, I am. I also bet that he is congratulating himself for holding on to the Enemy and interpreting His plans correctly even though so many of his compatriots didn’t do that. I’m right again, aren’t I? Of course, I am. Let me tell you, I applaud him for his aptitude.
But I also suggest something. Why should he continue on with his silly notions about the Enemy and those dreadful superstitions about His past activities? I mean, hasn’t this latest episode proven that he can rely on his own wits and cunning? Does he really need the Enemy to lead him now that he has pulled through my latest great productive era? Isn’t he smart enough on his own now? I mean sure, when your patient was just a stupid little brat, he needed to remember the Enemy because he couldn’t go on alone, but hasn’t he progressed beyond the point of needing to rely on the Enemy for his daily bread?
I’m sure that, if you play your cards right, you can still deliver your varmint into my talons.
Of course, I must stress that these are only suggestions for you to repeatedly whisper in his ear. You are in no way obligated to believe them or enact them. I’m a very fair Devil so if you can come up with something better that will accomplish my goal of one day having myself seated on the Enemy’s throne then, by all means, drop me a note and then attempt to pull it off.
Oh, my me, I just crack myself up sometimes. Imagine you, one of my most worthless employees, coming up with an idea that will get me seated on the Enemy’s throne? I mean really, what a joke.
Well, so long loser, I’ve got more important things to do than trying to coach one of my most inept employees. For instance, just now, my ovens need stoking for the great meals that I’m currently anticipating. No doubt, one day, you’ll join me for dinner.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Trufflehunter tells us that the badgers remember the old ways and hang onto the past. He represents Narnia’s memory and therefore, I think, is comparable to the Beavers, who remember the prophecies concerning the first coming of the Pevensies and recognize them when they arrive. Does anyone doubt that, had Trufflehunter had been sent to Cair Paravel instead of Trumpkin, the Pevensies would not have had to prove who they were?
Ream is named for Retrograde Amnesia, which causes someone to lose their pre-existing memories beyond ordinary forgetfulness, even though the person may still be able to create new memories of things that happened after the onset of the amnesia.
The idea here is that Ream would suggest that Trufflehunter forget the old ways and learn to live by the new Telmarine rules.
Relationship is a critical component to making memories whether it’s with family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, or someone else; you don’t create memories with someone that you don’t have any relationship with. Now, when we’re talking about our relationship with God, our most fundamental relationship building tools are prayer and Bible study and since Aslan is seemingly not tangibly present during the in-between period and up till His return in Prince Caspian, we have to assume that Trufflehunter, and the rest of the Badgers, have faithfully continued to pray despite the legal problems that might cause in Telmarine Narnia.
Bible verses: Matt. 6:19-21; 2 Cor. 4:18; Matt; 18:5; Rom. 12:13; 1 Cor. 13:13; Rom. 5:3-5; John: 4:14, 7:37-38; 2 Cor. 4:16; Matt: 18:3-4; Heb. 13:7-8; John: 8:44; Jere. 33:3; Rom. 8:26-27, 12:12; Lam. 3:22-24; 2 Cor. 4:17; Psalm 121:1-2; Matt. 11:28-30; Psalm 121:3-4; John 10:10; 1 Peter: 5:8; Matt. 7:1-5; Prov. 16:18; 1 Cor. 13:9-12; Eph. 4:11-16; Heb. 5:11-14; Matt. 6:9-13