My Dear Onoda,
First off, let me start out by reassuring you of my perpetual delight in your consistent productivity. Because you’ve always been careful to check in with me for instructions and have studiously iminated my ways, my inbox may be full of your junk mail but my dinner table has remained full of souls who have lived under your patient’s stagnant example. There is simply no other demon in this age who has been so apt at keeping his patient blissfully ignorant about the Enemy’s unfortunate recent so-called revitalization on the mainland and, naturally, I deserve all the credit for this spectacular situation.
Now, I understand that your situation has recently been compromised by your inept colleague Cabfact but, believe me, I know that it wasn’t your fault. Certainly, you’re far too moronic to conceive of the possibility that your formerly productive colleague would suddenly get stupid by disregarding my important advice and then carelessly sit back and watch as his patient sold your colleague, Pavo’s patient, to that meddlesome old Male Human varmint who has, unfortunately, recently replaced your patient as the leader on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere.
I’m telling you, this situation is completely unfair because the Enemy has always claimed to be against favoritism but Pavo’s patient, who is one of His agents, had no problem making a completely nepotistic appointment and I’m just certain that He approves. That would be just like Him.
May my bolt fall from above and destroy everyone who loves Him for this.
Of course, I’d rather not talk about the Enemy’s unfairness. Rather, let me continue to flatter you by mentioning all of the lofty successes that my side has enjoyed while your patient was in charge of the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere. I’m just giddy because that little dependency of the Enemy’s chosen country became a very sloven and lazy state while the vermin who don’t acknowledge Him or me ruled on the mainland and your patient, naturally, followed their lead. I mean really, it’s so much easier for me to whisper suggestions to varmints when they don’t have anything better to do than listen to me. I’m telling you, if your patient had stayed alert and on his toes then he might have taken an interest in those distracting rumors about a so-called great awakening on the mainland.
If that terrible scenario had occurred, you would have been in serious trouble because he might have felt inclined to find out more about Pavo’s young and inexperienced patient and, by extension, he may have picked up on the lies that the vermin tell about the Enemy Himself. That would have been horrible because I’ve gotten used to watching your patient bumble along as if your colleague, Fratri’s patient, was still ruling on the mainland.
Oh, my me, wasn’t it the funniest thing ever when Pavo’s patient unexpectedly showed up to meet with your patient and he wasn’t ready to receive that terrible young punk? Do you know why that was so hilarious? It’s because Pavo’s patient thinks that he is an ambassador for the Enemy and, obviously, if your patient doesn’t receive His ambassador properly, he won’t receive Him properly.
And, naturally, when a varmint doesn’t receive Him, then I still have a chance to eat their souls.
I’m telling you, I’m just glad that Pavo’s patient doesn’t have that horrible old weapon that used to belong to the older Female varmint from another world who used to rule here and was permanently banished from this world alongside her older Male relation a few years ago. If he’d brought that awful weapon on this voyage, then he might have used it in your patient’s presence and, unfortunately, there is always the disastrous possibility that the Enemy will respond to that weapon’s call in such a trumped up way that a foolish varmint like yours will fall for His slick arguments.
I mean, isn’t that what happened to your colleague, Pyrrho’s patient, a few years ago? And now look at that worthless punk: he has gotten in so thick with Pavo’s patient that he gets to call the shots in the Enemy’s chosen country while Pavo’s patient voyages across this world and, with any luck, subjugates many more varmints and influences them to come towards my dinner table.
Of course, luckily for me, the Enemy’s trumped up arguments don’t always work. In fact, I’ll always remember the time when a hilariously ridiculous varmint got the full force of His slick arguments and he still rejected Him.
I’m telling you, that was one of my best moments so you’d better keep your ancient colleague’s example at the forefront of your mind so that you don’t mess up and incur my unending wrath. After all, your patient is delightfully on his way to becoming just as ridiculous as that scrumptious varmint was.
You know, going back to the older Male and Female rulers from another world who were banished from this world a few years ago. I’d just like to mention that I’m still very disappointed that the Enemy didn’t banish their younger relations along with them because those meddlesome Human varmints have, unfortunately, just returned for the third time and they seem to be picking up right where they left off by encouraging Pavo’s patient to remain faithful to the Enemy and always do His business, no matter how many times that I suggest that His work is not worth giving up everything else.
I’m telling you, I’m just delighted that the new Male varmint from another world who is their relation is not like them. By all reports, he seems quite delightful and, more importantly, useful to my own ends, particularly where your colleague, Oxiana’s small patient, is concerned.
You know, I have no doubt that the two younger Human varmints from another world who used to rule here, along with Oxiana’s endlessly jabbering little brat, are a part of the Enemy’s scheme to bolster His standing in Pavo’s patient’s mind, but, as usual, I plan to counter His interference by writing another letter to each of your colleagues when I have a spare moment.
But, I digress. Let me get back to your situation. Again, I want to reassure you that I know that the recent unfortunate activities concerning your patient are not your fault. However, being the Devil that I am, you can be assured that your involvement in the aforementioned debacle has not gone unnoticed and you will, undoubtedly, pay an eternal price for your errors.
I mean really, why didn’t you suggest that your patient offer some very legitimate excuses for allowing Cabfact’s patient to continue his awesome business enterprise? With a little luck, those excuses might have shamed, or at least cowed, Pavo’s inexperienced varmint into thinking that your patient was doing everything that can be expected of him and that he doesn’t need to be pestered about things that are beyond his control.
I mean really, the Enemy’s standards of behavior are impossible to keep anyway.
You know, I’ll bet that you didn’t suggest any excuses because you never went to your History class at Temptation University so you don’t know about the completely legitimate reasons for your patient to not change the status quo.
Well, let me shame you for your woeful and foolish ineptness by telling you what you would have learned in your history class and how that knowledge would have helped you frame the most productive suggestions. First, you should have suggested that your patient remind Pavo’s patient that slavery on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere is not his fault because he merely inherited the practice; it was his tasty predecessors who allowed it to start up and flourish. Obviously, this is a perfectly legitimate excuse because Pavo’s patient’s ancestors, who never acknowledged the existence of me or the Enemy, were always very hydrophobic so they never paid much attention to their very small overseas dependency. And, naturally, without the aid of leaders whose hearts are fashioned after the Enemy’s own, it was very easy for me to suggest that the inhabitants forget Him and His stingy laws.
Don’t forget, I used the same strategy of Indifference and Tolerance on the mainland to segregate the Enemy’s camp from those varmints who don’t acknowledge Him or me very effectively until some of my moronic employees started blowing their assignments.
Second, you should have suggested that your patient remind Pavo’s patient that since his savory ancestors blatantly refused to have any contact with, much less support, the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere, it was only natural for the vermin inhabitants who live way out here to go looking for someone else to be their strongman and ally. So, obviously, when the country that likes me more than the Enemy came poking around, the isolated punks who live way out here were all too willing to follow their new so-called friends down the wider and slipperier slope that leads to my dinner table.
And, of course, when the ridiculous varmint who used to rule the country that likes me more than the Enemy and who, as I mentioned before, very famously refused His so-called mercy to His face, asked the inhabitants of the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere to deal in the business of slavery, why should they refuse their new benevolent benefactor?
I’m telling you, now that the meddlesome old Male varmint has taken over the leadership position on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere via a very unfair nepotistic announcement, you are at serious risk of becoming totally ineffective and I’m furious about that. Oh my me, that terrible old codger is likely to work with other vermin who have been brainwashed by the Enemy and by extension he will, unfortunately, work with the Enemy Himself, to change the great idleness that was your patient’s hallmark on the culture of the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere.
I’m telling you, if you were worth your salt, you could get back on track by suggesting that your patient go to that disastrously awful old Male punk and inform him that he is not prepared to lead the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere. With any luck, the old Male varmint will buy that excuse and then you could suggest that your patient trump up his own great expertise in the art of leadership and demand an advisory role to help that thick-skulled dotty old Male varmint with the transition process.
Doesn’t that seem reasonable? Of course, it does.
Of course, what do I care if you fail or not? I mean, given that Pavo’s patient and his hideous crew of varmints and their so-called friends from another world are preparing to sail away from your patient and, unfortunately, move closer and closer to the Enemy’s own Country, I find it necessary to dump you by the wayside so that I’ll have time to warn your colleagues who work farther afield.
I’m telling you, if I weren’t as brave and caring and benevolent as I am, I’d surely let your colleagues suffer in those places that are so much closer to His own hideous realm, but you know me. I’ll do anything to get a halfway decent meal.
In fact, I’d better sign off right now because your colleagues, Edeig and Badu, are pretty inept and I’m very concerned about your colleague, Kaise, because his patient is a member of Pavo’s patient’s crew and, therefore, subjected to that awful varmint every day
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Onoda is named for Lt. Hiroo Onoda, who was the last Japanese holdout to surrender after World War II. He surrendered in 1974 after hiding in the Philippines’ jungle for 29 years despite repeated attempts to get him to lay down his arms.
His story is probably shocking to most people and, I think, we could be just as shocked by Gumpas’ actions on the Lone Islands.
According to The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Caspian reaches the Lone Islands in about a month and could have gotten there faster if some extended stops had not been made.
Now since, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader happens three years after Prince Caspian, Gumpas must have heard about Miraz’s death, the new King’s ascension, and the major policy changes on the mainland. But, as governor, Gumpas is the royal representative on the Lone Islands who serves at the pleasure of the monarch, so we have to wonder why he doesn’t even attempt to find out about his new boss.
In this 24/7 news cycle that we live in and all the technology that we have to have to pass along news, I think it should be easy for Christians to fulfill their part of the Great Commission, but the people that we witness too have the responsibility to check out our claims, ask questions, and grow in their faith. No one expects a new believer (or unbeliever) to just follow along dumbly with whatever the Christian missionary says because it is in our struggles that our faith grows the most and that is, however painful it might be, the point. But Gumpas doesn’t seem to be even remotely curious so how can he come to faith and grow?
Edeig is Coriakin’s demon, Badu is the Chief Dufflepud’s demon, and Kaise is Pittencream’s demon.
Bible Verses: 1 Cor. 2:9; Ex. 18:20-23; James 2:9; Psalm 127:1; Prov. 12:24; Ecc. 10:18; Matt. 10:14-15; Acts 17:11-12; 2 Cor. 5:20-6:2; John 14:6; Matt. 7:7-8; John 14:16-21; Matt. 28:18-20, 8:19-22; 16:24-26; Heb. 12:1-3; Rom. 5:6-10; Act 13:22; Matt. 7:13-14; Rom. 12:2; 2 Cor. 6:14-7:1; Matt. 18:20; 1 Cor. 3:6-9