My Dear Edeig,
I was wondering if you could possibly guess at just how quickly my sordid delight can change into hideous wrath? I bet that it must be difficult for you, as a nitwit employee who works in an environment that is almost nauseatingly close to the Enemy’s own County, to remember that my moods can swing from sadistic pleasure to fiery rage faster than the blink of an eye.
Let me use your patient as an example. At some point, obviously I don’t care enough to keep track of how long ago it was, your patient almost ruled the night sky as a star. Then, because of my amazing suggestions and unsurpassed hounding, you managed to tempt him into breaking some small and, no doubt, arbitrary law that the Enemy created to make the vermins’ lives miserable.
Well, I can’t even describe how much I enjoyed watching him fall out of favor with the Enemy by committing such a minor infraction because I’ve always said that He needs to loosen up and get with the times.
And to think that His silly ranks have somehow gotten the idea that He makes up his foolish laws because He loves them and wants to protect them from so-called harm. Well, I think that I’ve successfully debunked their foolish claims with your patient’s case and now it’s up to all of my worthless ingrate employees to make sure that my verdict becomes well known. After all, how will I take over His throne if I can’t state my case?
I mean, it’s so glaringly obvious that the Enemy is only lurking close by, watching their every move, so that He can catch them when they mess up.
You know, He and I are quite similar; I too lurk close by so that I can catch my inept employees when you blow your assignments. I’m telling you, I look forward to the day when the vermin understand what I’ve known all along; The Enemy and I are actually one and the same.
Why are you having so much trouble with your patient? I mean really, that awful old punk should be all but on my dinner table right now. The answer, my moronic employee, is simple. You’re not worth your salt. Of course, I bet that you think that I can’t find any dirt on you, but remember, I’ve had centuries to track the progress that you’ve made with your patient—which is virtually nothing—and take careful notes so that, when the time is right, I’ll be able to punish you to the fullest extent of my pleasure.
But I’ve digressed so let me continue to criticize your work. First off, I’d like to point out that I never expected someone who is as old-fashioned as the Enemy is to admit to being out of step with the times when someone like your poor patient pleads his case before Him so I knew that He wouldn’t try to come to a mutual understanding or make a deal with your obviously deserving patient.
Rather, He opted to take a much more pathetic course of action by claiming that He had already paid for your patient’s so-called crime by His own rumored death many centuries ago and that, even though your patient must still suffer for his so-called wrongdoing, he should not lose heart because he is, supposedly, sharing in the Enemy’s own suffering.
Well, that just sounds like a bunch of double-talk hogwash to me. I mean, could you even follow my explanation?
Now, I don’t want you to get into the habit of speaking double-talk like the Enemy because you’re too worthless to pull it off correctly. After all, the only one who can outpace the Enemy is myself and you can be absolutely sure that I’ll win the war on double-talk.
At any rate, by your not engaging in double-talk, I mean that I don’t want you to go around and try to remind me about your previous very small success at tempting your patient because I don’t care a thing about it. After all, the only thing that matters is the endgame and, unfortunately, under your inept tutelage, your patient has been allowed to keep his face turned towards the terrible blinding light of the Enemy’s so-called love, which is emitted from His own Country with infuriating steadiness.
Oh sure, you did a decent job of whispering one suggestion to him while he was with his peers, almost ruling the night sky, but when it comes to tempting him on that tiny island, so close to the Enemy’s own Country—which has turned out to be little better than solitary confinement since your colleague, Badu, and his band of cohorts have done such a great job of entangling their patients in nonsensical and reckless pursuits—you’ve finally shown just how inept you really are.
I mean really, the Enemy forces your patient to live alone, in the shadow of His own Country’s horrible blinding light, and you still haven’t managed to get him to accept my suggestion that He has absolutely no interest in him. Don’t you think that, if He actually cared about your varmint, He would give him a cut from His supposedly bountiful stores which are, undoubtedly, locked away in His own Country for His own private use?
But, all I see Him doing is letting your patient waste away to nothing as the guardian of those stupid ungrateful fools who your colleagues have groomed so well. I’m telling you, I’m still laughing about the time that your colleagues successfully tempted their patients to turn themselves and, inadvertently, your patient invisible to get even with him over some perceived slight that those oversensitive idiots took offense at.
Of course, I’m not saying that it hasn’t been great fun to watch your colleagues’ patients play up their invisibility to the farthest extent that their small minds can. When your colleague, Pavo’s patient’s crew, and that awful younger Male and Female varmints from another world who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country came ashore and got trapped in all their absurd bluster, I was more delighted than I’ve been since those wretched varmints left that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere. It’s just unfortunate that the younger Female varmint was able to see how weak and frail their web of lies was because she managed to sweep them away as if they were silk threads.
It would have been much more productive for me if she’d remained afraid of them.
But I’ve digressed again. Didn’t you read my memos about how to stand up against all that so-called truth and light that radiates from the Enemy’s own Country? And what about my memos about how the Enemy is conniving enough to get around an invisibility spell because of His self-proclaimed ability to see what others cannot? If you’d bothered to pay attention to those critical memos then you might not have been dumb enough to just stand by today, laughing at the foolish antics of those silly bums who your colleagues tempt, while your patient talked with the Enemy and that horrid younger Female ruler and then again, later on, while your patient helped Pavo’s patient’s crew restock and refit their little ship.
You know, I think that the frustrating younger Female varmint must have gotten a chink in the armor that the Enemy gave her when she first came to this awful world many centuries ago because after her battle against Badu and your other colleagues’ patients she became more productive for my side than she ever was before.
Oh, my me, wasn’t it a stroke of genius when Badu and your other colleagues pointed out that she is just a little snot before she met your patient? I’m telling you, a well placed word or phrase can go a long way in coaxing a varmint to be in a more malleable mood so that my side benefits.
I’m just glad that your colleague, Oxiana’s patient, wasn’t allowed to follow her up the stairs to where your patient keeps his magic book. If that awful tiny punk had gone with her then there is a horrible chance that he would have affirmed all of the despicable lies the Enemy clams about her—like the idea that she is a ruler, not just a little snot—and then she might not have been in such a malleable mood to commit such amusing little sins.
I’m telling you, I’m just infuriated about how the Enemy’s antidote has worked on Oxiana’s tiny punk. I mean, just a few years ago, that selfish little varmint was practically mine, but then your colleague took his mesmerizing eyes off his target and the Enemy healed the one productive bite that he’d finally managed to land.
Your colleague’s strikes have been off ever since. I mean really, what worthlessness I have to put up with down here.
Now, that small horrid creature thinks nothing of his own honor and glory, but has continually and inconveniently been utterly deferential to that younger Female ruler’s sensibilities, even at the expense of giving that new great Human punk his just deserts.
And, what’s even more terrible is that, not only has Oxiana’s small hideous varmint become friendly with that new Human punk but, unfortunately, the little rat has also been leading that new Human jerk ever closer to the Enemy’s camp, just as steadily as Pavo’s little ship sails towards His own country.
I mean, just think of how that new Human punk was suddenly, and unfortunately, able to lead the battle against the sea-serpent that I sent attacked Pavo’s patient’s ship? If he hadn’t inexplicably acquired the awful virtue of courage then I’m sure that this increasingly pointless and, more importantly, dangerous voyage would have ended.
I mean really, as I predicted earlier, along with Oxiana’s little rat, that younger Male and Female rulers from another world who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country have, unfortunately, interfered time and again whenever Pavo suggests that his patient should take over each island that he finds.
I’m telling you, I’m so livid that my beak is smoking and you can be sure that I’ll be writing to your colleagues again when I get a chance.
But, let me get back to your situation. You know, I thought that it was absolutely hilarious when the younger Female ruler thought about using a spell from your patient’s magic book to make herself far more beautiful than her older Female relation who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country and was banished from this world a few years ago. After all, I remember how that the older Female ruler always got much more attention from the Male Humans in this world and, naturally, I sympathized with the younger Female ruler because she never seemed to get her fair share of the pie.
And, of course, I was delighted to see that she didn’t stop there. Oh, sure, her magical and, if you ask me, well-deserved beauty spell didn’t work out the way that she and I were thinking about but she forged right ahead and eavesdropped on a conversation that she wasn’t supposed to hear. Even better, the conversation was based on a lie. Isn’t that awesome? I think that she should gossip about her illicit knowledge to get even with her treacherous so-called friend in the other world. I mean, she herself mentioned that she’ll never be able to forget what she heard and, obviously, it’s those unforgettable stories that should be told and retold.
Besides, I was simply enraged when she asked if the Enemy would retell to her that other story from your patient’s book that she couldn’t remember so I’m banking on her eventually deciding that the illicit conversation that she can’t forget is more enticing than the story that she can’t remember.
Well, now I’m going to tie that younger Female ruler’s delightfully sordid activities into something that you can tempt your patient with. I’m telling you, even as I watched her commit those two delightful sins, I was still enraged when I saw that you didn’t take advantage of her sudden and very awesome unfaithfulness to the Enemy’s impossibly high standards. If I was managing your patient’s soul, I would have suggested that the whole affair was just another example of His disregard for the vermin, even if they’re in His camp.
After all, hasn’t He always said that He won’t allow His ranks to be tempted? Of course, He did. But, clearly, He allowed that younger Female ruler to be tempted.
You know, even after centuries of field work, I think that you’ve become inept because you’ve forgotten the most basic lesson that Temptation University teaches. Do I really need to remind you of what it is? Unfortunately, I’m sure I do.
That lesson, you little nitwit, is that the Enemy never takes a break so you can’t either.
If you’d been on your talons all this time, I’m sure that a smart little demon like yourself would have honed in when your patient asked the Enemy about how long his unfair suffering would continue? I mean, the Enemy’s vague answer is another perfect example of His disinterest in all vermin. Don’t you suppose that, if He really cared, He would have mapped out a very specific timeline for your patient so that he could count the days and not fret over his punishment ever again?
What’s wrong with asking for a timeline so that your patient can prepare for whatever twists and turns his story takes after this unfair chapter is finished? I mean, if the Enemy really had plans for your patient’s future, don’t you think He should spell them out?
That’s only fair, isn’t it?
Of course, I don’t want you to make the mistake of thinking that I don’t get it. I’m more than capable of understanding what kind of problems that my employees in the field have to deal with on a daily basis. I totally understand and, naturally, sympathize with the trouble that you’re having with your patient. It is an unfortunate mystery as to why so many varmints in the Enemy’s ranks think that they should treat other vermin with so-called kindness, even if they aren’t in His camp, as your patient has tried to do for those hilariously great punks who Badu and his team of henchmen tempt.
Don’t you think that it should be perfectly understandable if your patient took a break to focus on his own unfortunate situation for a while? I mean, after all the affliction that the Enemy has put him through, doesn’t he deserve to take a step back for a while? Of course, he does.
So, what’s your problem? Are you so idiotic that you can’t think of any worthwhile suggestions to tempt him with?
Are you so inept that you’ve forgotten that I’m all-knowing and very gracious so you should have hounded me for tactical suggestions just like I hound you about your woeful performance? I mean really, don’t I want to eat your patient’s soul even more than a stupid little fiend like yourself wants to avoid my ceaseless and terrible wrath? So, naturally, I would offer the necessary assistance so that you could deliver the goods.
You know, it’s your lackluster attentiveness and outright stupidity that has allowed your patient to gravitate towards the unfortunate opinion that the Enemy’s version of his story will somehow turn out to be a triumphant one. What a joke that is. Maybe it’s due to the fact that you work in such close proximity to His own Country so it’s difficult for you to hear my orders to make all kinds of distracting noises to keep your patient’s mind on his own very unfortunate long suffering instead of the Enemy’s lies.
What a gullible fool your patient is.
I mean, have you seen anything that justifies his silly so-called hope? Of course, you haven’t. And the fact that Badu and his cohorts have managed to remain focused on their task despite all the liability that comes with working in such close proximity to the Enemy’s own Country makes you look even more inept. I’m telling you, you ought to be taking notes on their schemes instead of sitting back and trying to enjoy the fruit of their labor.
After all, I’m the only one who will be enjoying the fruit of their labor.
I’m telling you, I’m seriously considering blackballing you from Temptation University’s Demons List for all eternity for your ineptness.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Edeig comes from Edward VIII (think Edward the Eighth). He became king in January of 1936 but abdicated less than a year later in favor of his younger brother, George VI because of the constitutional crisis induced by his desire to marry a twice divorced woman. After his abdication, he married “the woman he loved” and went on to serve as his brother’s Governor of the Bahamas during WWII. It reminds of Coriakin, who fell from the heights of the southern sky to being, essentially, banishment on the island Land of the Duffers.
I think that it’s interesting that Edward’s abdication came about because of church law and public opinion. Contrast that with today’s prevailing public opinion that generally views people’s private affairs as their own, even if they’re public officials. Would today’s public opinion have demanded that Edward abdicate? In your opinion, how does this more cavalier modern attitude towards private and public behavior affect general society? Does it make us better or worse? Have you ever wondered if maybe Coriakin thought that whatever he did wasn’t all that bad?
Bible verses: James 2:10; Prov. 3:11-12; Heb. 12:5-11; 1 Peter 5:8; Matt. 5:10-12; Rom. 8:17; 1 Peter 4:13-16; Num. 6:24-26; Luke 12:16-21; John 14:6; Psalm 139:7-12; 2 Cor. 4:16-18; Eph. 6:10-18; Prov. 15:4, 23; John 3:16-18; Rom. 5:6-8; 1 Cor. 10:13; Psalm 121:3-4; Matt. 6:25-34; Jer. 29:11; Matt. 5:43-48, 25:31-46; Luke 18:1-8; Rom. 5:3-5, 12:12; 1 Peter 5:10; Gal. 5:19-21