My Dear Kaise,
Well done, my fiendish little employee, well done. There’s nothing more satisfying to me than watching a varmint who likes the things of this shabby little world so much that he is horrified when the Enemy comes into sight. I’m telling you what, I’m still laughing about how your patient reacted when He suddenly and unfairly reappeared in His chosen country a few years ago.
Now, tell me, wasn’t it hilarious when the Enemy roared down His completely unjust and very biased ultimatum about all those pathetic varmints who don’t acknowledge Himself or me having to leave this awful world simply because they don’t want to live under His ridiculous rules? After all, it isn’t their fault that He never showed up in all His self-proclaimed splendor to prove that He exists and give a detailed explanation about how and why He wants them to follow His crazy guidelines.
And why should He act as if they would have believed the stories about Himself that the vermin who are in His camp supposedly tell? After all, He didn’t even appear to them during all that time, contrary to His own ancient pronouncements about supposedly always being with them. So how were they supposed to know all about Him?
So, anyways, wasn’t it the funniest thing ever to watch your patient realize that the house he was living in was built on the sand? I mean really, he reacted just like so many other varmints who have learned that inconvenient fact by first claiming that his house wasn’t built on the sand. Then he claimed that he didn’t need to live in a house. Most importantly, he turned down the Enemy’s slick offer to rebuild his house on His self-proclaimed firmer foundation.
I’m telling you what, I’m just giddy when I think about eating homeless varmints.
You know, I really must take credit where credit is due because without my great suggestions about Fear and Doubt your patient might have been susceptible to the Enemy’s slick pronouncement that the land on the other side of that strange door in the air was a so-called good place for him to live and then, obviously, I would have had to invite you down for dinner. Besides, it’s a perfectly legitimate suggestion that your patient should be wary of the Enemy’s motives because they were on different sides of the battle and the Enemy wasn’t likely to treat His enemies with compassion.
Of course, I didn’t let you slack off and enjoy that temporary win, did I? Of course, not. The Enemy doesn’t sleep and I’m not about to let you do it either.
Say, didn’t I offer up a great suggestion when I said that your patient should think that your colleague, Pavo’s patient’s, “pilgrimage” to the Enemy’s own awful country was really a “conquest” of all the unknown lands between here and there? After all, anyone with any smarts can see that Pavo’s patient was made to rule this terrible little world and I know that force is often necessary to get what I want.
And what with those varmints who like me more than the Enemy already well-indoctrinated by my view of the world, Pavo’s patient needed to move fast so that he didn’t lose out on creating a place in the sun for himself.
Now, obviously, it was quite natural for me to want your very patriotic varmint to help his misguided ruler enact my plans so my suggestion that he should think that Pavo’s patient’s “pilgrimage” was really just a cover for a new “conquest” was very productive, wasn’t it? Of course, it was.
You know, I just have to laugh whenever two varmints embark on a project together with two different goals in mind because that makes it very easy for my side to introduce the tactic of Conflict. And, naturally, someone always loses when Conflict is administered correctly so it is an awesome starting point for initiating other tactics such as Anger, Regret, Bitterness, and Disillusionment.
But remember how hard I had to work to keep you from blowing everything that I’ve worked for while your patient was confined on that boat with so many of the Enemy’s agents? I’m telling you, I would have been livid if you’d gotten stupid and allowed him to converse too much with his crewmates because part of the Enemy’s strategy to defeat me is based on creating joint ventures between His ranks and unbelievers.
Luckily for you, and more importantly me, you did a decent job of keeping your patient focused on his work rather than connecting with any potential so-called friends.
You know, I still crack up when I think about my suggestions during those long tedious days when your patient was confined on that boat. First, I suggested that he should think that his crewmates were all a bunch of superstitious fools who were so far beneath him that he would sully his reputation back home if he associated with them. Then later on, as he worked with them and inevitably got to know them, I suggested that he start thinking that, while most of them were still just a bunch of uneducated morons, some of them were so holier than thou that he wasn’t allowed to speak with them.
Well, as usual, my warning to keep him isolated came at the perfect moment because the Enemy pulled one of His very unfair tricks by bringing those two younger varmints from another world who used to rule His chosen country back into this world for a third time.
I’m telling you what, it would have been a real travesty if your patient had ever spoken to them because they’re just brimming with all sorts of lies about things that the Enemy supposedly did or said before and during their terrible reign. I would have been absolutely livid if your patient, who is a hard-working modern varmint, got distracted from his important duties by their nonsensical stories.
Then again, those two younger varmints from another world are established royalty, aren’t they? Of course, they are. So they must be so far above your scummy little varmint’s pay grade that he would’ve been severely punished if he tried to talk to them.
And, oh my me, I was delighted that you kept your patient away from that new Male too, even when he was being very useful to my side. Unfortunately, his case turned out to be just another one of the Enemy’s old smoke and mirror tricks to encourage varmints like your patient to think that so-called redemption is for everyone, not just those royal punks who are obviously His favorites.
Say, have you ever heard of the saying, “What’s old is new again”? Well, if you haven’t then you’d better learn fast because it applies to your patient. You see, I’ve found that it’s much easier to make productive suggestions when you base them on temptations that have worked in the past instead of trying to coax a worthless varmint to try new temptations. After all, old habits die hard, don’t they? Of course, they do.
So, since your patient succumbed to the tactics of Fear and Doubt a few years ago, I decided to use those tactics again when Pavo’s patient asked for volunteers to finish that ludicrous “pilgrimage” with him.
Now, those old tactics could’ve worked again because I know that the Enemy is always watching your patient, waiting for an opportunity to snatch him out of my talons, so I harassed you endlessly about never letting up on him. And, naturally, the result of all my hard work is that your patient is still more interested in this shabby world than in where he’ll spend eternity and that absolutely cracks me up. I mean really, isn’t it hilarious that, even after inevitably hearing some of the craziest lies about the Enemy’s supposed glory, he still thinks more about his own troubles than about finding out about who He claims to be?
I’m also delighted that your patient kept all my isolationist suggestions in mind while he was imprisoned on that island. If you’d slipped up on that then I’m sure that a fireball would’ve erupted from my beak because the two punks who live on that island prison are some of the Enemy’s most formidable agents and I have no doubt that your varmint would suffer horribly if he dared to associate with them. I mean, it’s more productive for him to assume that Pavo’s patient left him in the darkness of the valley of the shadow of death, right? Because, obviously, the Enemy can’t find him there.
And, of course, his isolation from those two punks who live on his island prison also had the added benefit of him remaining unaware of the strange and unfortunate mysteries that surround eating a meal at Enemy’s table. I’m telling you, His table is one of His greatest tricks because He uses it to suggest that a varmint can actually be pardoned for all their great crimes.
Instead of learning all those unverifiable rumors about the Enemy’s table, I’m delighted that you did a decent job of using my suggestions to keep his mind on the unfairness of Pavo’s patient leaving him behind. I mean really, it was very unfair for that punk to judge your patient’s very legitimate fear of the Enemy and whatever punishment He might hand down to him. After all, I know very well that Pavo’s patient has experienced fear on this voyage and the Enemy forbids His ranks from passing judgment on others.
Also, he was the only punk who claims to have never been afraid is your colleague, Oxiana’s little jerk, so I’m delighted that you followed my instructions about administering the tactics of Jealousy and Hate correctly when your patient thought about him. I’m telling you, I start drooling with anticipation when your patient thinks about that nasty little varmint.
Of course, your stupid colleague’s awful recent performance isn’t your concern so let me get back to your patient. As I just noted, I really get a kick out of watching him seethe with anger when he thinks about how unfairly he was treated by Pavo’s patient and how he feels inferior to the likes of Oxiana’s obnoxious varmint. Do you know why that is? It’s because the Enemy has very different standards when it comes to judgment and He has always been a proponent of the ridiculous idea that the vermin shouldn’t compare themselves with each other.
But since your patient is delightfully unaware of His rules regarding judgment and comparison it makes it easy for me to suggest ideas that encourage him to pursue a lifestyle that the Enemy doesn’t approve of and thus keep him on a path that leads to my dinner table.
Now, let me warn you, I’ll be furious if you get stupid and become content to encourage your patient to only despise Pavo and Oxiana’s patients. In fact, I demand that you use the tactic of Anger to its fullest extent.
And by that I mean Anger against the Enemy.
Naturally, this should be an easy extension of Anger against His ranks because, undoubtedly, Pavo’s patient was acting on His orders when he excluded your patient from seeing the supposed glory of his Leader’s own awful country. And I have no doubt that Oxiana’s small punk unfairly jabbered about his own bravery at the Enemy’s behest so that your patient would always remember his own great cowardice.
I mean really, it’s just like Him to constantly throw all of the vermin’s past shortcomings back in their face.
Now, before I leave you to get back to work, I want to make one final, but critical, point. You’re probably too stupid to realize this, but all of my work up to this point has been leading towards your patient’s return trip to the Enemy’s chosen country so you’d better not blow it now. The Regret and Bitterness that I began instilling in his heart a few years ago and all the Anger and Hatred that he feels for being left out at the end of this “pilgrimage” must eventually come to a head and it will be that moment that either makes you or breaks you as a tempter.
Quite simply, I would be irate if the Enemy were allowed to make Himself known to your poor venerable patient via His ranks after they return to pick him up. And, make no mistake, His crude indoctrination tactics make this entirely possible if you don’t stay on your talons because the sight of Him often transforms ordinary vermin into crazy fanatics.
Also, you must be careful to see to it that your patient’s wounded Pride keeps himself and Pavo’s patient from working out their differences because the Enemy has revealed several very inconvenient so-called truths to that terrible varmint since he got to know Him a few years ago and I don’t want your patient to be burdened with the same knowledge.
It would be far more productive for my side if you were able to use my suggestions to persuade him that Pavo’s patient’s point of view is an intolerable offence and then encourage him to break his contract as a crewmember and desert the boat as soon as possible. After all, Pavo’s patient undoubtedly failed to uphold his part of the contract by not providing your patient with a tolerant work environment.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Kaise is named for Wilhelm II, Germany’s last Kaiser, because Pittencream, as someone who was probably loyal to Miraz’s regime, may have joined the Dawn Treader to expand the Telmarines’ influence and that could be akin to the Kaiser early twentieth-century (pre-WWI) push to expand the German Empire through colonization.
Given that we don’t hear about him until the Dawn Treader reaches Ramandu’s Island, I want to explore what might have led up to his decision to stay behind instead of continuing on towards Aslan’s Country. I picture Pittencream as a peer, if not a friend of Caspian (something akin to Aravis and Lasaraleen). Maybe his parents were members of the court so they grew up together. But, Pittencream doesn’t get the benefit of having such teachers as Caspian’s old nurse or Dr. Cornelius so he grows up with and believes in a traditional Telmarine noble’s education, which didn’t include Aslan or “old” Narnian ways.
Given that, I can see him being shocked and maybe saddened when he hears that Caspian has deserted his Telmarines family, friends, and culture to join the “old” Narnians and I can also see him eagerly signing up to fight against them under Miraz. Then he is absolutely blindsided when Aslan’s side prevails!
I think it’s easy to assume (because I myself assumed this until I started thinking about this letter) that it is the Aslan-loving Telmarines (like Caspian’s old nurse) or the ones who are interested in getting to know Him (like Gwendolen) who stay in Narnia at the end of Prince Caspian while the unbelievers return to the “land of their ancestors” through the “door in the air”. But, what if that isn’t the case for Pittencream? What if this unbelieving Telmarine stays in Narnia not because he is interested in living where Aslan is Lord, but because he doesn’t trust the Lion enough to take His word about the “other place” being good for him. Who knows, maybe he even manages to comfort himself with the idea that he can talk Caspian out of believing all the silly Aslan worship stuff and rule Narnia like a Telmarine should! Anything to buck up his courage after the “door in the air” closes and he realizes that he is really stuck, right?
Now we fast-forward three years and instead of investigating who this Lion is after witnessing the revitalization of Narnia, Pittencream is still waiting for Caspian to come to his senses and probably frustrated and depressed with all the changes that are happening around him. So don’t you think that it must have made his day when Caspian announced that he was going to sail to the end of the world and needed to hire a crew? And given that the Telmarines seem to be a conquering people, I think that Pittencream might have assumed that this “pilgrimage” was just a cover for a new era of conquest. Finally, Caspian is coming around, right?!
Now, since I imagine that Caspian wants a crew that believes in his mission, it begs the question, why was Pittencream hired? My theory is that the King’s inexperience (mentioned in the Lone Islands section of VDT) played a part. Perhaps, like us readers, he sees the fact that Pittencream didn’t go through the “door in the air” as a sign of interest in Aslan and then Pittencream is able to bluff his way through the next few years and Caspian (who is busy with his new kingly responsibilities) just doesn’t pick up on the charade.
But the “conquest” doesn’t go according to Pittencream’s plan and as they travel on and on without seizing more land, I’m sure that all those doubts and fears that Tash tempted him with at the end of Prince Caspian start returning with a vengeance. Then, when Ramandu announces that his island is the beginning of the end of their journey, he panics at the thought of actually really sailing to Aslan’s Country and having it discovered that he isn’t a believer.
So he stays behind but he isn’t really relieved because he was still outed as the only unbeliever on board and he starts holding a grudge against everyone, particularly Caspian and Reepicheep. Now to explain why the other crew members balked at first, I think that they were just tired of sailing and nervous about possibly meeting Aslan, but who wouldn’t be (as the Beavers tell us in LWW)? But Pittencream’s motives to stay behind run deeper than simply homesickness and nerves so he digs his heels in longer than the others and ultimately misses out, even though peer pressure does seem to incite him to make a probably half-hearted attempt to join in.
So now that I’ve given him a little background, I want to talk about what his real problem is. I think that his real problem begins in his “epilogue” section because, let’s face it, not going through the “door in the air” and not sailing on towards Aslan’s Country is not the end of his story. Yes, he misses out on some really cool opportunities by not doing those things, but this is VDT not The Last Battle and he isn’t dead at the end of the book so there are undoubtedly many more really cool opportunities in store for him if he would just ask Aslan to forgive his lack of faith and start preparing for whatever adventure the Lion sends next.
Instead, we find him deserting the ship and going off to live a lie in the unfaithful land of Calormen where he undoubtedly spends the rest of his life looking over his shoulder and wondering if someone might one day discover or reveal that he is a fraud. Not much fun, right? Certainly not the kind of full life that Aslan wants for him to live.
Now, let me go back to my demon name. It’s a shaky comparison to compare Pittencream to the last Kaiser, but I let it go for the sake of tying Pittencream to some characters in The Last Battle, via their demon names. Like Germany after WWI, Narnia goes through tremendous political, cultural, and spiritual upheaval under Caspian’s leadership and I think Pittencream’s attitude is akin to those bitter voices that eventually lead to the rise of the Third Reich. Instead, he should have mourned for all that he had known that turned out to be wrong and is lost (even Lucy cries in the Last Battle for “all that lies dead and frozen behind the door”) and learned to follow the true Lord of Narnia.
Author’s Notes: 2 Cor. 4:16-5:1; 1 Thess. 4:13; John 6:30; Deut 31:8; Josh. 1:9; Matt. 7:24-27; 1 Cor. 3:11; Psalm 103:8-11, 121:3-4; Matt: 5:16; 28:18-20; Col. 4:2-6, 1 Pete. 3:15; Ecc. 4:9-12; Heb. 12:1-3; Luke 10:38-42; Rom. 5:6-8; 2:11; Psalm 121:7-8; John 10:10; Phil. 3:7-11; Psalm 23:4; 139:11-12; Matt. 26:26-28, 7:1-5; 1 Sam. 16:7b; Gal. 6:4; Matt 7:13; Psalm 103:12; 2 Cor. 5:20-6:2; Matt. 18:15, 6:9-13; Luke 22:42; 2 Cor. 1:3-5, 12:9-10; Phil. 4:11-13; James 1:4-6; 1 John 2:17; Matt. 11:28-30