My Dear Pavo,
It’s so unfortunate that I must write to you again because, quite frankly, my last letter had some really brilliant suggestions and your patient would probably be well on his way towards my dinner table if you weren’t such an imbecile. I mean really, how hard can it be to tempt a ruling varmint to be unsatisfied with his lot?
Of course, I don’t want you to misunderstand and think that I’m blaming you for your atrocious performance. After all, I can plainly see that your predicament is not your fault. I mean, for one, up until quite recently, you’ve had to put up with traveling alongside your moronic former colleague, Oxiana. I’m telling you, his bratty little rat never kept his mouth shut so, naturally, it wasn’t your fault when your patient disregarded some of my best suggestions to appease that little jerk.
Well, just so you know, you won’t need to contend with him anymore because I have recalled him and he is no longer a factor in my business.
But he wasn’t the only hindrance that you’ve had to deal with, was he? No, the Enemy Himself decided to cheat again and, unfortunately, you’re too much of a nitwit to come up with a decent answer to His meddling. I mean really, how can my side ever get a fair shake when He goes and pulls the same old trick of bringing in Human vermin from another world?
I’m telling you what, I’m just delighted that He has finally gotten bored with that younger Male and Female who used to rule His chosen country and banished them from this world just like He did their older relations a few years ago. By the way, isn’t that just like Him? He just uses a varmint for whatever He wants them for and then He tosses them aside. Let me tell you, as your caring and generous employer, I promise that you will never have to endure such treatment from me.
On the other hand, I’m not worried about that new Male coming back because he caused plenty of trouble while he was here so I can’t imagine why the Enemy would want to deal with him again. Besides, didn’t he come in by mistake? Of course, he did. Obviously, the Enemy only intended to bring back those awful younger Male and Female rulers because He has brainwashed them so well.
But, let me get back to your patient. Do you know how many times I sent you a memo with some amazing and specific temptation only to watch you completely blow it? I’m telling you, I would probably be gnawing on your patient’s rotting soul by now if you were worth your salt.
Let’s see, first there was that memo I sent about suggesting that your patient should stay in that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere instead of continuing on with the Enemy’s goosechase. Quite frankly, it was perfectly legitimate to suggest that your ruling patient should stay close to home when war with the country that likes me more than the Enemy could be on the horizon so I can’t even fathom how you could mess that up.
And, I set it up so perfectly too because, obviously, your patient would take the advice of that old geezer who he was looking for over anyone else living on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere.
Of course, that first slip-up wasn’t your only one, was it? So let me move on to what happened on the island with my enchanted golden pool. I’m telling you, I was livid when you messed that up because my side had a really brilliant success there when the old geezer who your patient was looking for came ashore. Let me recount the tale so that you can understand how shameful your own failure is.
It all started when the old geezer first sighted the island from the ship and I suggested that it was the most beautiful place he would ever lay his eyes on. Let me tell you, by the time they got close enough to let him go ashore, I had him half crazy to get off the ship and go exploring. It was so much fun because he left his companions to do all the work while he went off by himself.
Oh my me, I still remember when he discovered the power of my golden pool and its enchantment really took over his heart. Of course, being the smart Devil that I am, I understood that Greed can be a repulsive infection to some varmints so, naturally, I eased him into it by suggesting that he needed lots of worldly wealth so that he could help all those less fortunate varmints who live in the Enemy’s chosen country.
But, of course, as with all my other great infections, eventually the patient is so sick that he doesn’t care about justifying his illness to anyone else and when the old geezer got to that point, I knew that he was ready for me to suggest the fatal dose.
Do you know what that was? Of course, you don’t. When your patient got to my enchanted golden pool, you were too stupid to allow the enchantment to come to full fruition.
Well, let me just tell you. My fatal suggestion was that if the old geezer jumped into the golden pool himself, he would be given the golden touch and thus be allowed to change anything into gold without the aid of the pool.
I’m telling you what, I still crack up when I think about his expression when he realized the consequences of listening to my suggestions, but by then his newfound wealth made him too heavy to swim to the surface and he drowned.
Now, before I go any farther, I want you to understand something. I didn’t tell you that story in order to belittle your own shoddy performance; I did it to prove a point. After all, you can always count on me to do things like that. I really care about your worthless hide and, frankly, my dinner table is quite sparse right now so I’m very interested in eating your patient’s soul.
So, here is my point. You, in all your stupidity, forgot that the Enemy is always harping his ranks about sticking together.
Don’t you remember how the first thing I did when the old geezers landed on the island with my enchanted golden pool was to suggest that the one go exploring alone? I mean, not only is it far more pleasant for a varmint to go exploring without having any so-called friends around to nag him about not going into dark and shadowy places, but it’s also easier for them to hear my suggestions when they’re alone.
Well, was your patient alone when he found my enchanted golden pool? Of course not. You, in all your inept worthlessness, allowed that younger Male and Female who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country to tag along and, unfortunately, they recognized my oldest plays and warned your patient not to fall for it.
Oh, my me, a huge fireball erupted from my beak when that happened.
You know, if you were anything close to competent I wouldn’t need to waste more time by reminding you about two prior instances when I coaxed the vermin to go off by themselves and then made them pay for it. Why can’t you remember this stuff? Are you really that dense?
I mean seriously, don’t you remember when that old geezer who your patient was looking for got eaten by my dragon because his mind was so absorbed with taking the creature’s loot that he didn’t hear it return to its cave. I’m telling you what, taking an unsuspecting varmint from behind is one of my favorite pastimes.
Luckily for me, that old geezer hadn’t ever read the so-called right book so he didn’t know about my dragon.
Oh, and I definitely can’t let you forget that I’m also talking about when that new Male fell for the same tactic of Greed and got himself turned into a dragon. Oh my me, that had to be the most hilarious thing that I’ve seen since that varmint who liked me more than the Enemy was turned into a donkey long ago.
And you can bet that I’d still be cracking up if the Enemy hadn’t interfered and changed that worthless new Male back into a Human.
Well, anyways, let me get back to your patient. You know, I was quite disappointed when the Enemy didn’t let him continue on with His goosechase until he had gotten all the way to His own terrible Country. I mean really, isn’t it His stated goal that all the vermin should come and live with Him? Yet, when your patient expressed his desire to do just that, He turned him down.
Well, as I said before, it’s just like Him to use a varmint for His own ends and then dump them without so much as a token for a completed job.
Of course, even if your patient isn’t living out any of his fantasies about having incredible wealth or finding the Enemy’s own horrible Country with Oxiana’s tiny punk, I still had fun watching that old geezer who your patient was looking for on my dark island. I mean really, I’m just disappointed that your patient and his crew found him because he provided me with a lot of great entertainment for a long time. Then again, that’s what a good old fantasy does, doesn’t it? I’m just delighted about how my side has made the terms “dreams” and “fantasies” so interchangeable. This has allowed me to classify so-called so-called good goals as unrealistic, too good to be true, and maybe even old-fashioned. But, naturally, those salacious fantasies that lead a varmint closer to my dinner table are still delightful and pleasing dreams.
You know, you should have suggested that your patient wouldn’t be content to live the life that the Enemy has forced on him by making him turn around and go back to His chosen country. If you had, then you might have been able to keep his mind on that until it was a festering wound in his heart and then, with any luck, by the time his boat landed he might have been embittered to the point of turning away from the Enemy.
I mean, just look at the three old geezers who were asleep at the Enemy’s table for so long. Were they content when they got to the island where the old star and his Female brat live? No, they weren’t and, let me tell you, It was just delightful to watch them fighting with each other instead of wasting time listening to the old rumors that the old star and his Female brat wanted to tell them about the signs and symbols the Enemy left at His table.
I mean, those awful relics tend to give so-called reassurance to the vermin who are gullible enough to believe the old stories and, obviously, that wouldn’t be productive for my side.
It’s just so infuriating that the Enemy interfered with them too, but that’s all that I’m going to say about that.
Now, before I sign off, I want to make sure that you stop all of your foolish games and get down to the business of securing your patient’s soul for my dinner table. As I mentioned before, you have wasted far too many of my awesome suggestions and I’m determined that you won’t waste anymore.
So, listen up, you fool.
See, your patient has obtained permission to have the old star’s Female brat as his very own and they will, undoubtedly, have their own little brats together. But, of course, your patient will still be the ruler of the Enemy’s chosen country, so I say that you should suggest that he spend most of his time being the ruler.
Naturally, this is a completely legitimate suggestion because it takes a lot of time to rule a country and, obviously, it is the Female’s job to raise the little brats, right? Of course, it is, Besides, who ever said that future rulers need current ones to show them how to rule? I mean, that’s ridiculous, right? Of course, it is.
Of course, that isn’t my only suggestion. You see, when your patient finally does sire little brats of his own I will assign new graduates of Temptation University to woo their souls towards my dinner table. Obviously, as a demon who has been in the field for some time, I will expect you to be able to work with your new colleagues and show them how to get a job done correctly. I’m telling you what, I would only pick smart employees like yourself for such a task so you’d better not let me down.
Now, when I say that you should work with your future colleagues, I mean that you should encourage them to suggest that their patients should do things that prompt your patient to be discontent. This won’t be very difficult and, naturally, I’ll be here to help you every step of the way so I’m sure that even an imbecile like yourself can manage it.
But, of course, you shouldn’t stop there because who cares if your patient is discontent with his little brats? It is far more important to nurture his discontent until it manifests itself as discontent with the Enemy.
This too shouldn’t be very difficult for a smart little cretin like yourself. After all, doesn’t He say that He is a know-it-all when it comes to the vermin? So, naturally, it has to be His fault whenever something happens.
Oh, my me, I can’t wait to see how you make out with all these great suggestions. After all, you are probably one of my smartest employees. Certainly, you have to be much smarter than your ancient colleague who was once in charge of a ruling Male who had two little brats.
I mean really, that imbecile had it made and he was so stupid that he lost it all.
So, let me end with this warning: Don’t be like him.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: As you may have noticed, I didn’t give any of the Seven Lost Lords their own letters. Instead, I chose to deal with them in a compare/contrast with Caspian. That being said, I want to take a minute to discuss the Lords by themselves. All we really know about them is that two died horribly, one left the company to follow his dreams, and three had to be put under an enchanted sleep to be kept from hurting each other. Only Lord Bern escapes intact but, then again, he doesn’t even leave Narnian territory. So, the question is: what is the state of these men’s hearts? Are they true followers of Aslan or are they pretenders?
Or, maybe they are just high-born men who were raised in a godless culture and now each of them has their own doubts, fears, temptations, and questions about Aslan and everything gets exasperated by a long voyage with no particular known destination.
So, now let’s do compare/contrast.
I think Lord Bern probably had the strongest faith because he stayed closest to Narnia. What if all the Lords had shared a strong faith in the Lion and were within range to help after the Pevensies returned in Prince Caspian? What if they had all jumped ship, so to speak, and stayed at Anvard instead of voyaging into the Utter East? Surely Archenland would have hosted them if they’d requested it!
But, since they do go to the Lone Islands, I wonder if Bern felt a nudge to stay and try to clean up the slave market. Then maybe he met a cute girl while the ship was resupplying and that only helped confirm his calling. So, he leaves the ship’s company, marries, and goes to work trying to end slavery. But then he fails and gets disillusioned. Wouldn’t that have prompted the wondering if he should have sailed with his friends that he mentions in Voyage of the Dawn Treader? But then Caspian shows up, his hope is rekindled, and he actually does get to help end slavery in the Lone Islands.
To compare/contrast him with Caspian, we know that the king’s mission is finding the lost Lords and he is obviously clear-eyed enough about what Aslan has called him to do that he turns down Bern’s well-intentioned advice to stay close to home in case of war with Calormen. Bern too probably had a similar discussion with his friends when he chose to stay behind. However, I also see this as being akin to someone feeling a call to be a missionary in a dangerous place and going ahead with it despite the genuine pleas of family and friends to stay where it’s safe.
So now, let’s look at the two Lords who died horrible deaths: Restimar on Deathwater Island and Octesian on Dragon Island. And, heck, we’ll visit Eustace too because he has his biggest problem on Dragon Island. All three of them seem to fall for the temptation of Greed.
I know that, in the book, when Edmund, Lucy, and Caspian come upon the golden statue of Restimar they wonder if it wasn’t simply the poor guy jumping in for a swim on a hot day unaware, but I think the pool is more sinister than that. After all, doesn’t Reepicheep and the rest of the crew think that their majesties look bewitched when they return to the ship? And don’t they sail quickly, fearing that the island is enchanted? So, why wouldn’t it be the same for Restimar?
The difference is that Restimar was exploring alone when the enchantment stuck and didn’t have faithful friends to help him fight against it. On the other hand, Caspian has Edmund and Lucy with him. Remember how he and Edmund got into a pretty heated argument in the cave? I think Edmund felt the enchantment too and recognized it for what it was. Maybe it was righteous fear for the guy who is essentially the Pevensies heir to the throne that drove him to almost chew Caspian out. I wonder if Ed, after he himself was enchanted by the White Witch in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, is more sensitive to Narnian magic? After all, he was the first to recognize that it was magic pulling on them at the train station in Prince Caspian.
As for Octesian and Eustace, they too go off to explore by themselves and I like how Lewis adds the fact that Eustace never read the right kind of books and therefore didn’t know the dangers of a dragon’s treasure. Of course, given that Octesian was educated in the Telmarine school system, I think that it’s safe to assume that he wasn’t reading the right kind of books either.
Caspian, on the other hand, was tutored by Dr. Cornelius so I’m sure that he got a very good helping of the right books and I think that all three episodes are Lewis’ plug for getting together with Christian friends to study the Bible and share your struggles and triumphs so you grow in Christ together.
Now, let’s look at the Rhoop. Given that the darkness of Dark Island tried to swallow the Dawn Treader when they were sailing away from it and only Lucy’s prayer and Aslan’s aid (in the form of an albatross) saved them, I think that it’s safe to assume that the Lords’ ship didn’t drop Rhoop off to explore. So, naturally we have to ask ourselves, how did he get there? And the only way that I can come up with is desertion. Maybe he was fed up with the journey so when Tash suggested that he could live out his dreams on Dark Island, he didn’t want to resist. Besides, wasn’t the Dawn Treader’s crew grumbling about mutiny before they got that far, so it’s not hard to imagine how Rhoop could get tempted to desert for something that he thought would be really cool.
As for Rhoop living out his dreams, I think that’s akin to the way we say “follow your dreams”. What we mean by that is “set goals for yourself and work hard to get where you want to go”. But some “dreams” are decidedly irresponsible and sometimes people’s pursuit of their dreams can turn into illegal activity or be dangerous to the “dreamer” or others. I think this is the epitome of Dark Island.
Rhoop’s desertion is comparable to Caspain’s attempted desertion in favor of journeying with Reepicheep to Aslan’s Country. Doesn’t the king seem to have gotten caught up in his irresponsible fantasy in that instance? Such a difference from his answer to Lord Bern! Fortunately, though, Reep, Edmund, Lucy, and Aslan Himself intervene to stop him and I also like how Rhoop is saved as well, showing that even the most depraved among us is not beyond God’s healing grace.
So, now we come to the three sleepers. They make it the farthest but, given the fact that they were arguing about what to do next when they reach Ramandu’s Island, I think that it’s safe to assume that at least two of them have hit their limit. One argues to go back; he’s probably sick of traveling through the great unknown and longs for something familiar. Another argues to stay put; he’s probably sick of traveling, even if it means staying on the edge of the world. Only one seems to maybe still have hope of finding something and wants to keep looking…or maybe he is just afraid of facing Miraz and/or dying without a proper burial.
But, in any case, they are decidedly not content when they reach Aslan’s table and end up missing out on the Eucharist sacrament. What if they had been willing to listen to Ramandu and his daughter, as Caspian and his party did? Wouldn’t they have found the peace they all sought at Aslan’s table and been able to await rescue without having to go into an enchanted sleep? But, here again, God’s grace finds them in the end and they too are saved.
Bible Verses: Matt. 6:24, 7:13-14; Psalm 119:105-106; Luke 9:23; Prov. 27:17; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 18:20; John 10:1-5; 2 Peter 3:8-9; Phil. 3:12-14; Heb. 12:1-3; James 1:12; 1 Cor. 11:23-26, Eph. 2:1-10; Col. 2:13-15; Prov. 15:5, 17:21, 23:24; 2 Tim. 1:5, 3:15-16; Psalm 139:1-12; Matt. 10:29-31; Luke 12:6-7