My Dear Eppo,
Don’t you find all these delightfully tasty-looking varmints hilarious?
Well, I certainly do and I think that I’m entitled to have a great party. After all, I’m about to take my rightful place on the Enemy’s throne and then I’ll be able to eat all of these delicious-looking rotten souls. Let me tell you, if that isn’t a reason to celebrate then I don’t know what is.
I mean really, watching them stumble around in this dark little stable and fight with each other right now is great but I can’t wait until I’ve put an end to the Enemy’s usurping reign. After that, I’ll be able to eat everyone and then they’ll know just what kind of Devil I really am.
I’m telling you what, I’m having such a great time right now that I’m beginning to feel like it might be entertaining to invite to my party all of my employees who are in charge of these dupes’ souls because they’ve worked so diligently to hold them for me. I’m just sure that your colleagues would be thrilled to be able to sit in my glory and honor me as I gorge on their productive work. Wouldn’t you agree? Of course, you would.
Oh, but wait, that reminds me of why I’m writing to you in the first place. Do you know why that is? Of course, you don’t. You’re a bumbling nitwit. Well, let me just make this perfectly understandable.
I’m writing to you now to inform you that I won’t be able to include you on my guest list when I invite your more productive colleagues to watch me feast. Do you know why that is? Of course, you don’t. You’re a moron.
Well, let me just spell it out for you. I’m not going to invite you to my glorious party because you’re the fool who didn’t keep his eye on the ball. You’re the idiot who let your patient catch a glimpse of the Enemy’s hideous light. You’re the moron who blew it. How could you do that? How could you be so stupid?
Oh my me, I just cracked up when your patient’s relations refused to believe the vermin who your colleagues Kurtvon and Alas watch over after those jerks revealed their identities, uncovered your colleague, Slexi’s patient’s identity, and introduced those two terrible Human varmints from another world.
I’m telling you what, it has been a long time since there was a varmint who told the Enemy’s agents to their face that they weren’t who they claimed to be and I was so delighted that your colleagues managed to pull off the feat again because it was a critical hour in my machinations to steal His throne.
Of course, I’m sure that I don’t need to mention the fireballs that are still exploding from my beak because you let your guard slip again and as a result your patient didn’t follow his relations’ lead. Well, you can just bet that I’ll have my hottest oven ready and waiting to remind you that I don’t tolerate the kind of gross ineptness that you’ve displayed for years.
I mean really, haven’t I been railing at you ever since you graduated from Temptation University about not sitting back and resting on your colleagues’ productivity? Haven’t I been constantly warning you about your patient’s affirmity with the Enemy’s old-fashioned lectures? Haven’t I constantly harped about the way your patient has daily conversations with Him and also keeps His armor in good working order despite you’re colleague’s best efforts to help you by suggesting things to their varmints to try and turn your patient away from all those ridiculous restrictions that the Enemy imposes on him during their brainwashing sessions?
I’m telling you what, I’ve seen this debocol coming for a long time because the Enemy always gives His agents something that helps them recognize His scheming so that if, by some unfortunate circumstance, my employees lure them away from His side they will know how to take part in whatever cheating move He is planning.
Oh my me, you can’t even whine about the fact that your colleague, Kurtvon, didn’t help stop your little jerk before he took off. Do you know why that is? Of course, you don’t. You’re so inept that you don’t even know.
Well, let me just tell you.
The reason why you can’t blame Kurtvon for your failure is because he did help your colleagues succeed at keeping their patients away from the Enemy’s ranks and, frankly, he could have helped you too if you’d been smart enough to take advantage of the suggestions that I told him to give to his patient.
I’m telling you what, wasn’t my suggestion that his ruling punk should be as endlessly patient with the vermin as the Enemy is a masterpiece of deception? Of course, it was. I mean really, it had such a brilliant ring to it because He has always been so selfish about keeping the vermin to Himself while at the same time always trying to convince them to be like Him so my suggestion is a productive way to take advantage of that.
Of course, whenever I use such a suggestion, I naturally advise all of my employees to never mention the fact that if the vermin are as endlessly patient as He is then they will run the risk of spreading my infecting temptations.
I mean, if the vermin don’t know that secret then, with any luck, they’ll be a great pandemic of tempting infections running through His ranks before they ever know what hit them.
But, then again, that’s something that even a moron like you should have learned during your freshman year at Temptation University.
But anyways, let me get back to your situation because I just can’t fathom how you were able to blow such an easy assignment when you were working alongside so many of your colleagues who were successful. I mean, are you really that stupid? Were you not even smart enough to suggest that your patient would be betraying his own relations if he left them to renew his allegiance to the Enemy’s army?
I mean, that suggestion would have been perfectly effective if you had administered it correctly.
Oh, my me, in all my centuries of working against Him, I’m sure that your case will go down as one of the most inept. I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter because there are so many fireballs coming out of my beak right now that it will probably be a little heap of charcoal before it gets to you.
So, with that being said, I’m going to go back to watching these delightfully tasty-looking varmints who are bumbling around in this dark little stable. I mean really, that will remind me of how close I am to taking over the Enemy’s throne and finally getting the honor and glory that I’ve always deserved.
I’m telling you what, I’m not even concerned about this memo that I just received that says something about the Enemy supposedly trying to cheat again by bringing back a bunch of hideous varmints from another world who He banished from His chosen country a long time ago.
I mean, what kind of desperate move is that to save these worthless souls that your colleagues have brought me?
Well, so what. Let Him try. I’m more than powerful enough to take Him on. I mean, I’m not even concerned that the memo also says that the hideous younger Female varmint who used to rule His chosen country many centuries ago is trying to convince your patient’s relations that they aren’t really in this smelly little sable because they’re so well marinated in temptation that they aren’t going to be taken in by such foolish ideas.
I’m telling you what, that little beastly younger Female must have lost her touch during all her long years of banishment from His chosen country and now the Enemy is stuck with the kind of useless agents that she and her relations and cohorts have become. It’s enough to make me want to laugh.
Your very hungry employer,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: For this letter and the remaining ones Tash is writing from the perspective of being inside the stable and looking back on what has happened. But he, like the unbelieving dwarfs, thinks he is only in a dark dirty little stable.
Eppo is named for Louis Eppolito, a dirty cop for the NYPD who was sentenced to life in prison for his actions. I chose him because policemen are supposed to be good, as we tend to assume that all Narnians will be. But Poggin’s relatives end up being sentenced to a life in the darkness because they sided with Tash. Poggin, by contrast, escapes such a fate by staying committed to Aslan’s side.
While the The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and The Silver Chair chapters were about discerning between bad and good influences and having godly people around us to help us stay on His path, Poggin’s chapter is about eliminating a bad internal influence from the church.
I think that Poggin is The Last Battle’s younger Trumpkin and the unbelieving dwarfs are The Last Battle’s Nikabrik. Poggin is living with skeptics and, like younger Trumpkin, may well be one himself when we meet him but then he has a miraculous encounter with Aslan’s side and believes. However, unlike older Trumpkin, Poggin’s faith must have remained steadfast in the troubled times because he is ready and willing to take part in the battle at the end. Unfortunately though, like Nikabrik, the unbelieving dwarfs probably didn’t have a firm faith and opt to not accept any of the signs that Aslan sends them to remind them of His sovereignty or any of the blessings He tries showers on them.
Even though this is Poggin’s chapter, I needed to give Tirian’s actions because his actions, or in this case, inactions have a huge impact on the unbelieving dwarfs’ ability to influence the rest of Narnia (Aslan’s army/the church).
To explain this, let’s look at the event which shocks us the most: The murder of the Talking Horses. I think this horrible event parallels when Nikabrik and his baddie cohorts attempt to call up the White Witch in Prince Caspian. Both events are openly treacherous towards Narnia/Aslan and leave us, as readers, mortified and wondering how such a thing could happen. But they are not dealt with the same way…
In Prince Caspian, Peter and Edmund arrive and help Caspian eliminate the treacherous faction within Aslan’s army before it does harm to their cause. But in The Last Battle, Tirian, Jewel, Eustace, Jill, and Puzzle opt to just leave the treacherous dwarfs to their own devices after their first meeting and return to their hideout to prepare their plans. Of course, they’re cheered when Poggin joins them, but shouldn’t the king be concerned that there’s a treacherous faction of the Lion’s army roaming loose and that they might try to convince other Narnians that their ideas are better or, as they eventually do, outright harm Narnia in battle?
The Prince Caspian way of handling the treachery reminds me of how some of German congregations broke away to avoid being defiled by the message being sent by congregations who bowed to the Nazi version of Christianity. But, Tirian’s inaction in The Last Battle has a more modern feel to it. I mean, I’m sure he mutters a prayer for the unbelieving dwarfs’ souls in hopes that they’ll come to their senses, but he doesn’t really do anything to keep them from influencing the rest of his army, which is already frightened and confused by the message spread by Shift and his Calormene cohorts.
Of course, I can appreciate the fact that separating people from their church congregation isn’t a pleasant thing to do. But I’m sure that it wasn’t pleasant for Peter, Edmund, and Caspian to return Nikabrik’s body to his family and explain what happened to him. But I’m also sure that’s exactly what they did! I mean, would High King Peter have it any other way? And because the corrupt faction was eliminated they had a stronger, more unified, and more cohesive fighting force to defeat the Telmarines.
Meanwhile, in The Last Battle, you’ll see that Tirian is literally calling for the treacherous dwarfs to “return to their allegiance” moments before they open up with their arrows on the Talking Horses. But, at that point, the Calormenes have already formed their line and are marching towards him. The battle has begun. Tirian doesn’t have time to try and convince a treacherous faction to “return to their allegiance”. He needs Aslan’s army to be a cohesive unified fighting force. Since he didn’t take care of it before, he should at least be calling for someone to get those traitors off his front line!
The Prince Caspian reaction reminds me of the fact that in both World Wars, insubordination on the battlefield was handled by the death penalty verses not in modern times. But, heck, the modern military doesn’t just ignore insubordination!
Now, one final note because I think a lot of people might think it isn’t Christ-like to throw someone out of the church. If He, as the Bible tells us, is endlessly patient with sinners so that no one will be lost then shouldn’t His Church be the same? But I would say that it isn’t the church’s job to have endless patience with someone who is wantonly out of line and not interested in repentance.
To use a Narnian example, we would say that Aslan is the Shepherd and Tirian is the head sheep. Like all herd animals, sheep maintain a hierarchy within the flock so that order and stability are maintained. If a lamb breaks ranks they are subject to the flock’s discipline. But does the Shepherd care for the disciplined lamb less? Does He love him less? Does He watch over him less? Certainly not! Similarly, Tirian would have been well within his bounds to discipline the treacherous troops but they are still clearly under the care of a Shepherd who will leave the ninety-nine to go out and search for the one who is lost.
Bible Verses: John 1:1-5; Rom. 12:9-21; Eph. 6:10-18; 1 Thess. 5:16-18; 1 Cor. 10:23-24; Rev. 1:3; John 14:15-21, 25-27, 15:1-8; Rom. 8:14-17; 2 Cor. 3:18; 2 Peter 3:9; Mark 2:17; 2 Tim. 2:25-26; 1 Peter 3:15; Matt: 8:19-22, 12:46-50; Luke 9:57-62; 1 Cor. 1:25-31, 2:9-10