My Dear Kurtvon,
Well, you just beat all, don’t you? Of course, you do. You beat all of your colleagues, both ancient and current, in officially being the stupidest employee that I’ve ever had.
I mean really, if it weren’t for you I would undoubtedly be sitting on the Enemy’s throne right now instead of back in my own delightfully rancid and sordid country, bound up in chains at headquarters, on the word of that horrible older Male who used to rule the Enemy’s chosen country many centuries ago.
I’m telling you what, that older Male and his relations were supposed to be banished. The Enemy said so Himself. Then, just out of the blue, that awful jerk showed up in that horrible cramped little stable where we were all waiting for my big takeover.
Can you even fathom that? It’s got to be the most inconvenient cheating move that the Enemy has ever used against me.
And, of course, what’s worse than that Older Male showing up where he doesn’t belong, is that he actually had the audacity to use the Enemy’s self-proclaimed authority to kick me out of His terrible world.
I mean really, I’ve been plotting and scheming to steal the Enemy’s throne ever since that awful little world was created and then a little inept know-it-all buffoon like you has to come along and ruin everything.
Why don’t you just go ahead and take a few minutes to think about all the honor and glory that would be mine right now if you hadn’t been so worthless as to take your eye off the ball a couple days ago? Do you remember what happened? I bet you don’t because you’re just that stupid.
Well, let me refresh your memory. When you took your eye off your punky patient, you stopped feeding him all of my awesome suggestions about fear and hopelessness and then the Enemy swooped in to cheat behind your back by reminding him about all those rumored stories of His past activities and then, even worse, He also put your patient in contact with His horrid agents from another world.
I’m telling you what, that cheating move has led to the biggest scandal that my country has ever seen and you will undoubtedly pay for it for all eternity.
So, let me just ask you, instead of loafing around in the forest to watch the great rallies that the Males who like me more than the Enemy have been putting on, why didn’t you keep your mind on your business? Were you really so foolish as to not consider how critical my situation was at that time?
I mean, if you’d remembered your Temptation University lessons, you might have recalled that it is in the times when I’m on the cusp of total victory that the Enemy cheats to ruin all my hard work. Did you really think that He would never go back on His word and use those horrid varmints from another world again, even though He specifically banished them centuries ago? Did you really think that, just because it’s been a long time since He brought any of them in, He won’t do it again? Didn’t you remember that He specifically told His terrible agents from another world that they could contact Him from their world? Well, now you’ve found out the hard way why He told them that, so congratulations, you moron.
Well, I’m telling you what, it is simply a gross miscarriage of justice to punish me for your foolish ineptitude. If the Enemy were actually as merciful as He has always claimed to be then you would already be wasting away into a succulent snack and I would be sitting on His throne, eating every single sinful varmint that He ever created.
You know, I can’t fathom how a top graduate from Temptation University like you couldn’t take advantage of your situation. I mean, what with my great lie about the Enemy’s self-proclaimed character muddling his mind, your patient was putty in my talons. In fact, he’d already surrendered to those Males from the country that likes me more than the Enemy, hadn’t he? Of course, he had. And I was in the fast lane to usurping His throne.
But, unfortunately for you, after the Enemy crept in and started whispering lies into his ear, your varmint got curious about which image of the Enemy was correct. Then, most terribly of all, because you were too distracted to read the emergency memos that I sent you, he actually demanded that the Enemy show up and prove whether He is really like that old-fashioned version of Himself that He likes to promote or if He is like the new modern version of Himself that the Males from that country that likes me more than the Himself have made Him out to be.
And, of course, the Enemy couldn’t refuse such a challenge and you can bet that fireballs have been exploding from my beak ever since.
I mean really, didn’t you know that He is jealous about His reputation?
Well anyways, it shouldn’t have mattered because that fool of an Enemy used all His self-proclaimed authority to send that useless Male and Female from another world to help your patient and they are His weak B-team.
Of course, if He’d sent those ancient punks who used to rule His chosen country then I would have stepped and taken over because I know that a buffoon like you wouldn’t stand a chance against them, but any employee of mine worth their salt should have been able to handle that useless Male and Female.
It’s just unfortunate for you that the Enemy continued to help them because you were too stupid to use my suggestions about countering Him properly so they defeated you.
See, what did I tell you? You just beat all. You let His useless B-team beat you.
Why didn’t you suggest that your patient should be wary of any advice those punks gave him? I mean, they’re not of royal blood, like that useless Male’s hideous relations, so how could they possibly assist your patient out of his dilemma?
And why didn’t you remind your patient that the useless Male from another world is nothing but a greedy pig who the Enemy once turned into a monster as punishment before He stole his soul from me? Surely, your patient has heard that story, right? Of course, he has. So you should have suggested that it would be a safer bet to keep that greedy jerk far away from any position of influence or inspiration.
And what about that lazy Female from another world? She has only come into this world once before so she couldn’t possibly offer any advice that would help your patient out of his debacle. Why didn’t you make that suggestion? I mean, the only other time she came, she spent the majority of the time complaining and wishing that she was somewhere else instead of doing what the Enemy told her to do.
I’m telling you what, if your patient hadn’t listened to your those jerks I would be on the Enemy’s throne right now. But, due to your incompetence, your colleagues blew their assignments too. I mean, didn’t that useless Female jerk steal your colleague, Slexi’s delightfully disobedient patient, from me? Of course, she did. Because you couldn’t keep track of her while she was with your patient. Also, didn’t your colleague, Alas’s punky varmint, escape from my talons and go on to help your patient stir up inconveniently hostile sentiment against my great lie? Of course, he did. Because you’re a complete moronic failure.
Then, on top of that, because of the unfortunate hostility that your patient led against the Males from the country that likes me more than the Enemy, He was also able to cheat again and steal your colleague, Pela’s patient. And that steal was particularly egregious because that punk was one of mine.
Can’t you see how detrimental your slack attitude was to my awesome plans? Don’t you get it, you worthless inept fool? You’re the reason why I’ve been jailed in my own country. You’re the reason why I’m not going to get the honor and glory that I’ve worked so long and hard for. You’re the reason why I’m now forced to acknowledge the Enemy’s victory over me and submit to whatever punishment that He decrees.
I’m telling you what, there is simply no greater humiliation than that and you can bet that you’ll be paying the price for all eternity.
Well, I’m done writing to you. In fact, I’m just done with you. There’s no help for you anyways and the Enemy’s fetters are hurting my talons. Just mind yourself to keep an eye out because I will send you a summons alongside this letter. After all, if I have to be imprisoned back here at headquarters instead of sitting on His throne then you can bet that I want all of my lousy employees to experience the tortures and humiliation with me.
Your imprisoned employer,
Tash
(the defeated)
Author’s Notes: Kurtvon is named for Kurt von Schleicher, who was the last chancellor of the Weimar Republic before Hitler and the Nazis rose to power. Because Shift’s demon is named for Hitler, I decided to name Tirian’s after Schleicher since Shift basically overthrows Tirian.
I think that Tirian’s prayer and his vision of the Friends of Narnia is probably the most vivid (and for me, the most magical) example of the Holy Spirit in the Chronicles. The king is tied to a tree at night, despairing and seeming alone, then he prays and boom the answer to his prayer arrives.
And since we know that only Aslan has the power to bring the Friends to Narnia, we know that He is definitely there that night, listening to the king’s thoughts and prayer. He is also listening to and calling the Friends and they can hear His voice. I mean, didn’t Peter say that they’d been feeling as though Narnia needed them?
Tirian also reminds me of Emeth. Both men are seeking the truth about God; they are discontented to accept the status quo, as it is, and demand that the truth come out. Emeth wants to know who the Lord is, Tash or Aslan. Tirian seeks to know the Lord’s true character. Is Aslan the Lion who his ancestors have worshiped and adored or is He the god that Shift and the Calormenes say He is? Emeth is willing to die to find out. Tirian asks the Lion to truly reveal Himself and He does.
Now, are you wondering why I would call Eustace and Jill “Aslan’s B-team”? Well, how might things have gone differently if the Pevensies had appeared to help Tirian? Surely, they would have immediately corrected his misquote of “He is not a tame Lion.” with the correct, “He is not a tame Lion, but He is good.” After all, it’s most often quoted verbatim in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?
But, Eustace and Jill never correct Tirian. Sure, they know enough about Aslan to realize that a lie is being told, but they never correct the lie with the truth and, honestly, I think that only helps the lie to settle more deeply. I suppose this could be because they just don’t have the same kind of one-on-one, face-to-face experience with Aslan over years and years that the Pevensies have had so the lessons aren’t so deeply ingrained into them but they still frustrate me in The Last Battle.
Yet, I do like how it’s them that Aslan calls because it shows that He doesn’t need His best and brightest agents to handle this important last assignment. He only needs willing agents.
Bible Verses: Matt. 28:18; Luke 9:1; Psalm 121:1-8; 1 John 4:13-18; Matt. 18:20; John 14:15-21; 2 Peter 3:9; 1 Kings 18:36-38; Ex. 34:14; 1 Cor. 1:25; Ex. 4:12; Luke 12:11-12; 1 Tim. 1:15-16; Acts 5:29-32; John 10:16; Rom. 8:14-17; Gal. 3:26-29; Phil. 2:10-11
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