~ by Hannah Skipper
My Dear Brank,
I hope that you understand how disappointed I am over your little slip-up. Actually, to say that I’m disappointed would be an understatement. I’m actually livid. I can’t believe you let me down. Then again, that’s what you young fools do, don’t you? You don’t listen to what your superiors say and then you blow your assignments and have to come crying back to us to bail you out. Now, tell me, have I got that wrong? Of course not—you imbecile. Luckily for you, your last letter has given me a few ideas about how to go about correcting your mistakes, so let’s get started, shall we?
First off, your letter states that after you found your patient, she mentioned that some old coot, who is obviously a member of the Enemy’s camp, gave her a magical horn, correct? Second, you say that she mentioned that blowing this magical horn would bring her some sort of mysterious help, no matter the time or her location. That’s also correct, isn’t it? Of course, it is; after all, I’ve got your letter in front of me right now.
Now, my point is that this horn sounds a lot like what the Enemy calls prayer. Don’t you remember that the Enemy claims to have told His followers that they can call on Him anywhere and at anytime and He will come help them?
I mean really, why does He want to help the infernal little beasts, anyway? What could He possibly get in return? I’m telling you, Our Father Below would never be so foolish.
But, where was I? Oh yes, your infernal little varmint. Now, keeping in mind that the Enemy purports to give His varmints the things that they need to grow closer to Him, the fact that your patient received such a gift might indicate that she has a lack of trust or, as we like to say, she is prone to falling for the tactic of Doubt. Well, did you know that getting the little varmints to doubt the Enemy is one of the greatest ways to bring them down to Our Father Below’s dinner table? You should consider yourself lucky, Brank. Yours will be a delightful task.
Now, let me warn you, the Enemy doesn’t want the vermin in His camp to doubt His Word, so He can be receptive to their requests, however, there are things that you can do to infect your patient with Doubt regardless of His actions. One very excellent way that I think will be highly effective on your patient, is called Distraction. You see, the Enemy may very well be giving your patient something that she has asked for, but if you distract her with other suggestions, she might walk right by what He has given her. After that, you can suggest that He must not have listened to her request and then you can suggest that the Enemy doesn’t care about her and that it’s time that she looked elsewhere to get what she is looking for. Marvelous, isn’t it?
Don’t you see? Distraction feeds Doubt and then Doubt feeds Distraction. Pretty soon your varmint could become so mixed up that she won’t listen to what she, in fact, really knows.
That would be to our advantage.
Now, distracting someone like your patient, who has obviously been in close contact with the Enemy must be handled very delicately. You must be subtle because if she perceives that she is being pulled away from Him, she could become less willing to go along. You must pull her away gently. Do it gently.
Of course, it doesn’t really matter how you distract her, but I’ll suggest one way that would be particularly fun to watch. You could suggest that since the Enemy is not listening to her, perhaps she could get some Male to listen, but only if she fits who he wants her to be, and what he wants her to do. I’m telling you, it’s one of the most hilarious ways to pull a Female varmint away from the Enemy.
Of course, I suspect that you’ll encounter opposition from within your patient’s own circle, so you would do well to not only work with your colleagues, but also suggest that she should spend less time with them. For example, as you wrote in your letter, the little Female, Leasprink’s patient, has the most infernal way of reminding your patient about all the things the Enemy supposedly said to them during that minute that you lost track of her. To counter this, you must work to make sure that your patient thinks that the little brat is tiresome. I mean, what does it matter what He said in that other place? They live here, don’t they? Of course, they do. And, of course, the old Female, Denailion’s patient, is likely going to make trouble, too, so you must see to it that your patient thinks that the old shrew is a bore.
It would also be productive if you suggest that your patient find a new circle of friends soon. I mean, she is growing up and a varmint can’t be expected to remain close to their childhood friends and relations forever, can they? Of course not.
Now, with any luck, with all these new and exciting suggestions, you’ll have her so distracted that she thinks that this whole unfortunate episode is just a childish fairytale but, let me warn you, the Enemy abhors losing varmints who belong to Him, and His Book has three stories about finding lost things. What’s even worse is that these stories appear in His book multiple times. Isn’t that awful?
Of course, these stories portray much more than His simple pleasure about finding a lost thing, but I don’t want to make myself sick, so I won’t go into it.
However, I don’t want my silence on such a subject to be interpreted as something that you should do. After all, you don’t have my outstanding record, do you? Of course not. So you’d better keep me informed about your progress, and let me know if I can offer any more brilliant advice.
Affectionately your Uncle,
Screwtape
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Author’s Notes: The stories Screwtape mentions are found in Matt. 18:12-14 and Luke 15:3-32
The Brank was used to punish women who gossiped or slandered others. It was a cage or mask that was fitted around the victim’s face to keep her from speaking. Sometimes it was fitted with spikes that would penetrate her skin if she tried to speak and sometimes a bell was attached so as to announce the presence of the victim so that she could be mocked by those she’d wronged. I chose Brank as Susan’s demon because the Gentle Queen, known for her grace and beauty, would never have gossiped about or slandered someone.