My Dear Everyman,
Is this report on your performance correct? I mean, seriously, you’d better tell me that it’s a little off.
I mean sure, I’d prefer it if it were completely wrong, but I know that you’re an idiot, so I can only assume that it’s correct. Only a moronic nitwit like you could blow such an easy assignment as badly as you’ve blown this. I mean really, you’ve got to be the dumbest devil I’ve ever employed.
Can you imagine the kind of torments that you’ll be facing when I get my talons into you? Seriously, employees who are as dumb as you are don’t deserve to bow down and worship me. But that only leaves you with one option, doesn’t it? Of course, it does.
Since all my employees must either bow down and worship me or be cooked and eaten, I’m sure that you’ll end up as a delicacy on my dinner table very soon.
In fact, I’m so livid right now that I’m going to issue you an ultimatum. If you can’t immediately get control of your patient then I’m going to devour you raw. I mean really, cooking you would just ruin the flavor of raw stupidity that I’m sure to taste when I finally get to gnaw on your worthless hide.
I mean really, I can’t fathom how you graduated from Temptation University? You can’t handle things like I can and this assignment proves it.
Do you have any inkling of how angry I am right now? Do you? Do you? You’re such a fool. I can’t believe that you let this happen.
In fact, let me pause again and make an announcement. lf any of my future employees—who are undoubtedly fixing their pathetic grades at Temptation University right now—ever receives a report that’s as bad as the one that I’m currently holding, you’ll be hung, drawn, and quartered over an open flame, then skewered to a poker stick before you’re torn to shreds and devoured.
Oh yes, terrors and torments surely await the moron who follows the brilliant example of my moronic employee, Everyman. That employee is not worthy to stand in my presence.
As if anyone is actually significant enough to stand in my presence.
Let me reiterate because this is vital. The next employee who blows his assignment as badly as my current cretin, Everyman, will surely be thrown under a serving platter and then gnawed to pieces as soon as possible.
Of course, you can’t possibly have done as badly as this report says, could you have. How could someone as smart and cunning as you mess up so badly on such an easy assignment? Surely this is all a big mistake. Surely, after everything the Enemy has allowed your patient to endure, you haven’t completely blown your assignment the way that this report says you did.
I’m telling you, I fully intend to punish the scribe who would write such a putrid report on a demon who is as talented and valuable as you are. I just can’t imagine why anyone would lie about a bright young demon like you. Surely you, one of my finest Temptation University graduates, would know precisely what to do with a varmint who has had to endure such delightful things.
I mean really, didn’t the Enemy allow the most promising things to happen to your patient? Didn’t He sit back in silence when your patient’s special Female died? Of course, He did. And didn’t He remain silent instead of warning your patient about the plot to take away his oldest little brat? Of course, He did. Surely He knew about the plot. He knows everything, even before the vermin know it. But He was silent, wasn’t He? Of course, He was.
Obviously, the Enemy has stopped caring about your patient.
Well, I ask you? How much more do you need to work with? I’m sure that any of my other worthless employees could have easily handled such delightful circumstances, but, unfortunately, I can’t include you when I mention my best and brightest fools. You’re as worthless as they come.
How could you let this happen?
Why couldn’t you take advantage of this?
I mean seriously, your patient should be drowning in his own grief and self-pity right now. He shouldn’t be able to drag himself from his bed every morning. He should be going through the motions of his delightfully pitiful existence in survival mode, just waiting to die. He should be throwing his hands up and cursing the Enemy. I mean really, what kind of an omnipresent, all-powerful, loving ruler, like the Enemy claims to be, would let one of His best varmints suffer the way He has allowed your patient to suffer?
Well, let me tell you, the ruler who would promise to always be working out His good plans for His followers, then let such great things happen to them has either withdrawn His love from them or He’s an unjust freud.
Can’t you understand why I’m so livid? Of course, you can’t. You’re clearly too stupid to handle such a small thing. You’re not a brilliant amazing Devil like me. I mean really, I would have eaten your patient’s soul by now if you were anything close to competent.
Well, given that I’m not an imbecile like you, I’m sure that, unfortunately, the Enemy is actually working behind the scenes to turn all these events into something that glorifies Himself. Never forget that He’s very selfish about Himself getting all the credit. Let me tell you, the Enemy will undoubtedly spin all these events so that His own actions are at the end of it all and He’ll be talked about for ages and ages to come in this world. In fact, I wouldn’t put it past Him to advertise Himself to another world by the retelling of the events surrounding your patient.
You see, all that’s really going on here is that the Enemy wants your patient to think of Himself more often. Of course, He would say that your patient needs to trust Him, but it’s all a big sham. I mean really, why would your patient trust someone who allows such delightfully awful things to happen to them?
Oh sure, your patient learned, when he himself was just a little brat, that the Enemy is Lord of all creation, that He controls all things, that His nature is always good and patient and loving, and that He always acts according to His nature. But, now, the Enemy has put him to the test and you can mark my words, He has ambitions to teach your patient that He loves him more than he already knows.
Well, that makes me want to explode in fury because I too have my own plans for your patient but, thanks to your incompetence, my great plans aren’t being implemented correctly. I mean really, you’re to stupid to handle my amazing plans.
Look at your patient, you worthless moron. Look at him. He isn’t acting as if he is waiting to die, is he? He hasn’t given up on the Enemy, has he? Has he? In fact, from what I see, your patient isn’t in survival mode. No, when I look at him, I see a varmint who is thriving.
I mean really, his joy in life is unspeakable, isn’t it? And his faith in the Enemy is unsinkable, isn’t it? And his love for his younger brat, and the southern country that the Enemy loves, and his friends in the Enemy’s chosen country, and yes, even for the Enemy Himself is unstoppable, isn’t it? And he still believes that anything is possible when it comes to the Enemy fulfilling His promise about his older brat, doesn’t he?
Well, let me tell you, I know very well that your incompetence is completely responsible for this utter travesty and your punishment will certainly reflect your stupidity. I can’t wait to burn your scales off and devour you.
I mean really, I’ve always known that you were too worthless to handle such an easy assignment, so you’re lucky that the bolt of Tash hasn’t fallen on you yet.
But, don’t you worry. I, being the enlightened unchallengeable Devil that I am, can easily overlook your odious past performance and give you some real solid advice. My awesome advice will, undoubtedly, get you back on track. Never forget that I can handle things that are simply too much for your little peabrain to wrap itself around.
Of course, given that you’re a complete nitwit, I’ll bet that you won’t listen to me and you’ll blow your assignment even more than you already have. Well, no matter, I’ll just eat you. Besides, you’ll be much tastier if you keep on blowing your assignment.
At any rate, do you remember that the Enemy often expects His vermin to stumble through their miserable, worthless lives without anything but their knowledge of His character and the promises that He’s made? You know that right? Don’t you remember that there are times when He simply refuses to perform for them? Don’t you remember that He’s not tame? Don’t you remember?
Well, why haven’t you been taking advantage of this? I mean really, don’t you know how easy it is to suggest to the vermin in His camp that He has ditched them because they don’t see His activities on their behalf? That’s the best thing about varmints, you know? They tend to think that if the Enemy is not visible, then He’s not there. If He’s not doing what they like and how they like it, then He’s not on their side. I’m telling you, unimaginative varmints with tunnel vision are some of the easiest vermin to pick off.
Do you know why that is? Of course, you don’t, you’re an imbecile. Well, since I’m incredibly brilliant and you’re just plain stupid, let me impart some wisdom on you. It’s so easy to pick off that type of varmint because they tend to think that the Enemy is tame and, of course, He’s not. I mean really, isn’t it hilarious when, no matter how many times the Enemy proclaims His unsafe but good nature, some vermin continue to believe that He can somehow be tamed.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that it isn’t possible for the vermin to give up on the Enemy so easily, but I assure you that they can and they do. I’m telling you, all that you need to do is attack the things they love most and they’ll crumble. It’s absolutely one of the finest tactics that my side uses. Let me tell you, this tactic is a virtual guarantee for bringing in tasty varmint souls for me to dine on.
So, I ask you again, why aren’t you taking advantage of this? Can you really be that dumb? I mean really, the Enemy stood back in silence and even then you couldn’t deliver the goods.
Of course, unfortunately, the Enemy does have a way to bring His vermin back to Him, doesn’t He? Even if my side incites some varmint to question the Enemy’s motives or weaver in their faith in Him, He understands them and He’s perfectly capable of reconciling them to Himself. I mean really, it’s just pathetic how He can do that. Do you remember what happened a few years ago? Well, you’d better remember what happened because it was so horrifying like the Enemy that I never want to mention it again.
I mean really, I can’t think of anything in the annals of history that was more hideous than what happened a few years ago.
I’m telling you what, I’m just livid that my old friend completely blew any chance that I had to ultimately run the Enemy’s chosen country. But, you know what? I’m even more livid that your patient knew the Enemy well enough to know that He would take care of him and his loved ones. Your patient has never given up on the Enemy, has he? And he remembers that the Enemy has His own way of doing things and that all his questions would be answered in His time.
I mean really, no matter how many times your patient asked the Enemy why all these delightfully horrible things are happening in his life, he never let go of His promises. Isn’t that awful?
You know that this is all your fault, don’t you? I mean really, I’m too amazing to have blown such an easy assignment. You’re nothing but a worthless fool.
Do you know who else turned out to be a fool besides you? My old friend. Now, let me tell you, she really blew it. Certainly, I, being the amazing Devil that I am, would have looked farther back in time than she did. I would have seen through the Enemy’s plot even though it was hidden in the darkness before time began. I’m telling you, I would have been able to stop Him.
I can handle anything that He throws at me.
I mean really, the Witch wasn’t even able to secure the soul of the younger Male that she’d momentarily enticed. How could she ever think that she could defeat the Enemy? I’m the only one who can do that. And, believe you me, one day I will.
Isn’t it horrible that her utter incompetence has given that younger Male and the other Human vermin from another world a chance to become very close to the Enemy? Now, they’re ruling His chosen country the way that He likes and they’ve given Him control of their lives. Isn’t that awful?
Well, who was the awesome Devil that predicted all of these happenings? It was me, wasn’t it? Of course, it was. You’re to stupid to understand the things that go on in this world.
Of course, those almost hairless bipeds from another world have also become very close to your patient as well. I’m telling you, I can’t imagine anything that could be more damaging to my plans than that. They’ve been able to encourage your patient to keep his eyes fixed on the Enemy, regardless of how delightfully awful things look in this world. They just keep on reminding your patient to persevere until the Enemy’s plans are fully revealed and he listens to them instead of you. Can’t you see why that’s so horrible? Don’t you know what perseverance produces? Of course, you don’t. You’re a buffoon.
I’m telling you, no good can possibly come when the Enemy’s ranks join forces. Why, the Enemy Himself promised His ranks that when they are joined together He, Himself, will attend their meeting. Isn’t that awful? Of course, He may or may not be visible to them when they’re together but they know He’s there because they take Him at His word. Why, it just makes me sick to think about.
Seriously, I’m just livid that you haven’t been able to drive a wedge between the four varmints from another world and your patient. It would have been so simple for you to manage if you had a shred of intellect. I mean really, don’t you know about the awful things that the Enemy can spread around when His vermin fellowship together?
Now, what you should have suggested is that your patient remember how tiresome the Enemy’s promises sound in the ears of vermin who can’t see His works. Why didn’t you suggest that? Why didn’t you suggest that the four varmints from another world were merely quoting the Enemy’s empty words and that they had no basis on which to make such claims? I mean, they only just met Him so it’s natural that they would be susceptible to His lies, given his self-proclaimed status in this world.
Well, I know why you didn’t suggest these things. It’s because you’re so stupid that you didn’t even think of them. I’m telling you, I’m much more capable of handling this world’s problems than you are.
Do you know what else has me boiling with rage? I’m just furious that the Enemy didn’t send those four varmints back to their own world as quickly as He sent those two other brats home. You know the ones I mean, right? The ones that were here when He created this world. I mean really, I wouldn’t put it past Him to keep these four horrible varmints around here until His plans for your patient and his two little brats has been more fully revealed. If He does that, then those vermin will undoubtedly share His message and deeds with other vermin in their own world.
I mean really, the Enemy is just that patient when it comes to bringing glory to Himself. It would be just like Him to spread knowledge of Himself and His deeds in this world to varmints in another world. He’s just not willing for me to have any of the varmints that He’s created. I mean really, not even one.
Well, as I was saying, what a horrible opportunity these four varmints from another world have had to get to know the Enemy. I mean really, my only consolation is that I’m sure that they have demons attached to them in their own world and, after all this time, those demons are going to have a tough time with their patients. I’m telling you, I know exactly what the head Devil in their world is going through.
After all, I have to deal with a moron like you.
Why am I the only one in the Lowerarchy with any smarts? Answer me that, will you? Why is everyone else down here a despicable fool? Well, of course you can’t answer that question.
But, let me get back to your patient. Don’t you know how easy it would have been for you to suggest to him that the Enemy has cut him off because he’s done something to displease Him? How marvelous it would have been for me if you had managed to convince your patient that, on a whim, the Enemy would remove His paw from his life. How marvelous it would be to see him stumbling through his wretched life without the Enemy’s guidance because you suggested that He despises him. What a great joke that would be.
Of course, unfortunately, the Enemy isn’t susceptible to whims, is He? No, He doesn’t shift like a shadow. He is the same today as He was yesterday and He’ll be the same tomorrow. And, unfortunately, His eyes follow all of His vermin wherever they go. He even saw them before they came into this despicable world.
Oh, how stupid you are because you couldn’t nail down your patient’s soul the moment his miserable life sank into a pit. I’m telling you, I was ready to add your patient to my menu the moment darkness and despair enveloped his life. But, oh no, the Enemy reminded him that darkness is light to Him and your patient was comforted by His words.
Seriously? Seriously? How could you be so dumb? How could you be so inept?
I’m telling you, I just can’t wait to devour you for your stupidity and, no doubt, I will, once I’ve confirmed that my scribe isn’t the one who messed up. I’m telling you, I’ll bet that’s what happened. How could a demon who is as bright and talented as you are mess up on such a simple assignment? I mean really, if my scribe is the one who has messed up then you can be assured that she’ll really catch it from me. The bolt of Tash will certainly fry her worthless hide and then I’ll devour her. On the other hand, if this report on your performance is true, then you’ll be the one who fries and dies. I mean really, it couldn’t be any more obvious that you’re not on my level when it comes to smarts. You just can’t handle things the way I can, can you? Of course not.
The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Everyman got his name because the term “Everyman” means an ordinary individual with whom the reader or audience can identify with. I think that we’ve all had times when life stinks and God seems silent, so on some level, we can all identify with what King Lune must be feeling.
Bible verses: Job 38:1-41:34; Psalm 139:4; Job 6:1-4; Jer. 29:11; Job 12:10; Psalm 31:15; Col. 1:15-19; Psalm 145:9,13-14; 2 Tim. 2:13; 2 Cor. 12:9-10; Job 11:7-11; Psalm 139:17-18; Rom. 11:33-36; 1 Cor. 2:9-11; Job 1:11, 2:5, 9:33-35, 16:19-21, 19:25-27; Rom: 8:33-34; Heb. 4:15-16; 1 John 2:1-2; Rom. 5:1-5; Psalm 145:18; Matt. 18:20; Rom. 12:15; 2 Peter 3:8-10; Job: 23:8-10, Psalm 139:7-10; Rom. 8:35-39; Heb. 13:8; James 1:17; Psalm 139:15-16; Job 12:22; Psalm 139:11-12