My Dear Lary,
Well, I’m sure happy that you got to spend some time down in that country that loves me and hates the Enemy. Believe you me, I completely understand your need, as an impressionable young idiot, to be amongst my finest employees. After all, I know that, due to where your patient lives, you hardly ever have any contact with my best demons.
Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I can totally appreciate your craving to perfect your craft by hanging around those demons who are far more capable than you are. In fact, I encourage lousy buffoons like you to do all you can—including making a perilous journey, hundreds of miles long, alongside the loathsome agents of the Enemy—to improve your tactics so that you’ll become better employees. I’m telling you, I’m glad that you had this experience—or I would be glad if you hadn’t been a complete moron and blown it.
Now, please don’t misunderstand my wrath. I was really happy for you when it was announced that your patient would accompany two of those hideous brutes who rule the Enemy’s chosen country on their trip to the country that likes me and hates the Enemy. I mean really, I too got excited for you when that ravishing older Female ruler took a shine to Jester’s patient and she invited your patient to go with her and that awful younger Male ruler. It’s just too bad that those two varmints have such an Enemy-approved influence on your patient because he is much more fun to watch when he’s listening to your suggestions.
Of course, that’s why I’m writing to you now; I intend to help you correct your grievous errors so that you can set your patient on a path that’s more to my liking. I promise to only gently reprimand you for your utter stupidity because I know that a worthless moron like you is young and foolish and needs all the help that I can give you. You can rest assured that all the words that I breathe are useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training and you’ll be thoroughly equipped to do my work if you’re smart enough to listen.
The only hitch that I can see is that I know that you are too imbecilic to listen.
Well, no matter because I further promise to answer all of your moronic questions in a quiet tone. Believe me, I understand that harsh words stir up anger and it would really hurt my feelings if you got upset with me. After all, you’re my employee, and I care about you.
Say, I’ll bet you were thrilled when your old pal and colleague, Schizo, and his patient showed up in your patient’s room. Weren’t you surprised when that happened? Of course you were. But I bet that you were hoping he would drop by too, because you’re an idiot.
I mean really, if I weren’t at a loss for words about this whole episode, I would definitely struggle to not tell you exactly what I think. Only the rule that says “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” as kept me from blowing my top. Believe you me, I know how to control my tongue.
How could you two just sit there and reminisce about the days when you worked closely together? Are you really that big of a fool? Are you? Of course you are.
Don’t you remember that a get together between his patient and yours is the absolute last thing you should have wanted? Are you really that stupid? Didn’t you remember that I prefer to keep blood-relations far apart from each other? After all, that’s a critical tactic for bringing some varmints down to me. Just ask your colleague, Everyman.
However, I must reiterate. I completely understand. After all, it’s not everyday that one of my nitwit employees has a chance to reminisce with a colleague, who he has been separated from for a long time, while he’s supposed to be on the job. Seriously, I completely understand your lack of focus and utter dereliction to duty for the sake of a good quality conversation.
I’m telling you, when I received word that the two of you and your patients were chatting it up, I couldn’t help but think that I was hearing about two blind critens blowing their assignment. Do you know why that is? It’s because that’s exactly what the message was: two of my morons were leading each other toward a pit—a pit that leads straight to my dinner table, by the way. If only your patient had befriended one of my more venerable employee’s patients. You would have been much better off if that had happened. No doubt someone who is lower on my Lowerarchy could have helped you. After all, everyone—even the Enemy—knows that two are better than one.
Now, I’m sure that you’re still worried about incurring my fearsome and never-ending wrath because of your completely inept performance, so let me repeat my promise: I’ll only use calm gentle words when I correct your stupidity. After all, I, being the benevolent and peace-loving Devil that I am, would never lash out and tell you exactly what I think about your shoddy performance. It’s just not in my nature to get angry and explode with rage when one of my stupid employees messes up on the level that you’ve messed up.
I mean seriously, what reason do I have for being upset? Your patient is only a member of the Enemy’s camp and therefore lost to me. What could possibly make me more livid than that?
Yes, you worthless idiot, failure and my dinner table will undoubtedly be your lot because, with the way things are currently going, your patient is on his way to spending eternity with the Enemy in His own Country. Oh sure, he’s an amusing little brat, what with his sharp tongue and quick fists—and to be sure, the Enemy detest those things—but, unfortunately, none of that has dissuaded Him from sheltering your patient with His paw.
Well, no matter, I’m not about to give up trying. In fact, I am going to teach you a very special tactic that will create dividends for you; it’s called Hypocrisy. If all goes according to my plan—and it had better go according to my plan—then your little brat will be very effective at dissuading other vermin from joining the Enemy’s camp and, of course, hypocrites make the best meals down here. Seriously, Hypocrisy is your best bet to correct all your years and years of awful performance, but I’m sure you’re too inept to enact the tactic correctly.
Seriously, I’d order you for dinner right now if your patient wasn’t still completely useful for achieving my own ends so let me explain this Hypocrisy tactic in more detail.
First off, the Enemy tells the vermin in his camp to be wise in the way that they treat outsiders—and by “outsiders” He means vermin who aren’t in His ranks. He wants His ranks to treat them gently and forgive them when they don’t behave the way that the Enemy likes. Unfortunately, that’s what He Himself does, so if His varmints do that then they will be a light for the world to see Him by and salt that flavors the world with their Leader.
To put it another way, the Enemy wants his varmints to speak words that point to life and truth and words that build other vermin up, because, He supposedly figures, that will encourage other varmints to join His team.
I, on the other hand, would be pleased if vermin spoke words that point to death, lies, and words that bring a varmint down. I would be so pleased if words like that are spoken by all vermin because then I would know that I’m that much closer to ruling this despicable world that the Enemy created.
I mean seriously, I can’t wait to destroy the Enemy’s loathsome creation by ruling it my way.
But I’ve digressed, so let me explain what is most important to the Enemy when His ranks are talking to varmints who don’t know their Leader. He wants them to be able to explain to outsiders why they treat them the way He likes. Personally, I don’t understand why His ranks would treat varmints who don’t like their Leader nicely. I mean, if varmints don’t think along the same lines, doesn’t that mean they should hate each other? Of course it does.
Anyway, the Enemy just loves it when His ranks explain why they treat outsiders nicely because they will inevitably mention Himself and then the Enemy can gloat. I mean really, He’s so pompous that He just loves it when the vermin that He created give Him all the credit that He thinks He deserves.
Now, given all that, let’s look at your patient’s behavior. I must say, you did a decent job of getting your patient to enact my suggestion that he impulsively run off and fight those two varmints from the county that likes me.
Of course, like I’ve already mentioned, it doesn’t matter because your patient is in the Enemy’s camp, and, unfortunately, He is perfectly willing to forgive a snotty little brat. I mean really, you moron, did you think I was going to applaud?
Anyway, I just cracked up when your patient ran off and beat up those two Males from the country that likes me and hates the Enemy when they made great jokes about that hot older Female ruler that Jester’s patient almost snared for himself. I’m telling you, it made me laugh because I knew that your patient had been given an opportunity to be a witness for the Enemy’s character in a country that likes me and he blew it.
If your little brat had been as quick to forgive those two punk varmints as he was to fight them, then he may have had a chance to win them over to the Enemy’s side. That would have been a real travesty, but luckily for you and, more importantly, me, that didn’t happen because I was on my game and told you to suggest that he should lose his cool. Now, do you suppose those two Male varmints will become a willing audience for your patient to tell them about the Enemy’s great power after he beat them up and wounded their pride? Of course not.
It’s too bad that your patient only met up with a couple of street urchins. If he had beat up someone of any importance my side could have possibly suggested that a splendid little war break out. I’m always so pleased when wars break out for petty reasons. When that happens, lots of varmints ask where the Enemy is and sometimes they even conclude that He’s not around. It’s the best.
Anyway, your patient was hypocrisy at it’s best when he behaved recklessly and that was wonderful for my side and the Enemy abhors hypocrites who claim to be in His camp because they say that they belong to Him but they don’t follow His rulers.
Interesting enough, the Enemy Himself can’t do that because He can’t change His nature. He doesn’t say one thing and do another, but if His ranks become hypocrites then they make their Leader out to be a liar. Now, unfortunately, He is not a liar, but how does a varmint who hasn’t met Him know that? All they will see is His ranks, who claim to know Him, behaving in a way that He Himself says that He doesn’t approve of. Let me tell you, that’s just great.
Of course, I think hypocrites are great for another reason—they are just like me. I have no trouble saying one thing and doing another. In fact, that’s what I do best. I’ll do or say anything to get a square meal.
But, here’s the best part. The Hypocrisy tactic will just ruin the Enemy’s plans because He has called everyone in His ranks—which supposedly includes your patient—to gather in as many varmints as they possibly can for His side. He does that, mind you, because He’s a total control freak and He wants all little varmints to give Him control of themselves. He wants control of them because He knows that I’m more powerful than He is and He knows that He needs to have a massive army to even have a shot at defeating me.
Mark my words, one day I’ll be sitting on the Enemy’s throne.
Anyway, turning your patient into a hypocrite will really make it hard for him to follow the Enemy’s orders. I have to say, it’s my fervent wish that lots of vermin are gullible enough to believe that if a varmint in the Enemy’s camp is a hypocrite, then it follows that his Leader is too. I mean, doesn’t that make perfect sense? Of course, it does.
Unfortunately, for my side, the Enemy has advised His ranks to be wary of impostors. It’s just terrible the way He orders His varmints to test the words and actions of a varmint who claims to be in His camp but says and does things that are against what He Himself says and does. Can you believe that? He doesn’t want His ranks to bumble around after just anyone who claims to speak for Him. It’s one of the most frustrating things that my side has been forced to deal with.
At any rate, to get back to my narrative on your recent performance, you did a good job of handling the situation with those two Males from the country that likes me and I’m perfectly willing to take credit where credit is due, but you know what else? I’m also willing to chew the hide off a worthless employee the moment that he messes up, no matter how well he’d been doing before.
That’s why you’ll find me exploding with rage whenever the Enemy’s spirit convicts your patient to confess his sins and receive the Enemy’s forgiveness—forgiveness, by the way, that the Enemy is, unfortunately, always faithful to grant. It’s enough to make me scream with frustration.
Now, along those lines, let me ask you something. How could you have been so effective with my suggestions regarding the two Males from the country that likes me more than the Enemy and then turn around and blow your opportunity when your patient met up with Schizo and Poliomy’s patients in the southern country that the Enemy loves? I mean seriously, your patient was perfectly willing to give up his prestige and power as Everyman’s patient’s heir when Schizo’s patient reappeared.
Not only that, it looks like that whenever those two varmints have disagreements and fights, they still love each other and make up in the way that the Enemy likes. I’m telling you, it would be much better for my side if you could have coaxed your patient to resent Schizo’s patient’s return and be jealous of all the attention that everyone is giving him. Instead, and again this is most unfortunate for my side, your patient loves Schizo’s patient like two related Males should. It’s enough to make me blow my top.
Didn’t you learn in your Temptation University classes that the despicable virtue of Love covers a multitude of sins—or so the Enemy says.
You did learn that at Temptation University, didn’t you? Of course, you didn’t; you skipped all your classes so that you could pick fights with your classmates and make trouble for them. I know because that’s the only reason that you graduated.
Now, let’s look at your patient’s relationship with your colleague, Poliomy’s patient. You know, I was looking forward to those two varmints hanging around each other. I’m telling you, they could be a lot of fun for my side if they’re handled correctly. What with your patient being an impulsive big-mouth and Poliomy’s patient being a stuck-up snot, I just know that I would have had fun watching them. Alas, neither you nor Poliomy have gotten a good start at employing my suggestions that your patients should gripe and bicker amongst themselves or that your patient should humiliate Poliomy’s patient for her backward, or “heathen” habits. I’m telling you, I couldn’t be more disappointed in your performance. It’s enough to make fireballs shoot out of my mouth.
But, of course, let me reiterate my pledge to not show you my true colors. I really do intend to calmly correct your utter stupidity and grievous errors with as much tact and discretion as a Devil in my position should.
I mean really, why didn’t you imagine all the anger and resentment that your patient could have built up in Poliomy’s patient? Are you that inept? Can’t you see how easily he could tear her down because she is new to the Enemy’s camp and only just learning to live by His rules. Seriously, I would be hooting with laughter if you could ever figure out how to benefit me using your patient’s lack of tact and discretion, even though he claims to be in the Enemy’s camp.
How could you blow such an easy assignment? How could you blow it?
You’re a real lucky little devil, you know that right? I’m not at all like what I want your patient to become. I don’t get all worked up and explode with rage whenever one of my little foolishly inept demons blows his assignment like you have. No, I intend to give you only the gentlest rebukes and genuinely work with you so that you’ll do a better job in the future. I really care about you, you know that right?
I’ll bet you didn’t know that, did you? You’re too big a fool to know that.
You know, I’m so pleased that your patient doesn’t keep a muzzle on his mouth or his hands and feet to himself when he’s around other varmints. Even the fact that he was with some of the Enemy’s best ambassadors and they were riding into battle against that country that likes me didn’t stop your patient from slugging that little varmint when they stood on the cusp of a big battle.
Now, of course, it wasn’t the big battle against the Enemy, but every battle for any varmint’s soul is very important. Anyway, you did a fine job of employing my suggestion about your patient hurting that little varmint and I hope that little varmint resents your patient for his actions. That would be very helpful to my side.
You know what else? I’d also like it if that little varmint resents that younger Female ruler because she didn’t bring her bottle of terrible healing liquid and that older Male ruler—who wasn’t even there—for making her leave that awful stuff at home.
I also wish that your patient would become afraid of the rulers from the Enemy’s chosen country because they will undoubtedly punish him for hurting one of their best warriors. You know, Fear is a powerful tactic for my side. If your patient is afraid of what those rulers from the Enemy’s chosen country might do to punish him, then they will naturally have less influence on him. At best, this little incident could drive a wedge between the Enemy’s chosen country and that southern country that He loves. That would be the very best outcome for my side—other than me ascending to the Enemy’s throne at this very moment.
I mean seriously, I just can’t tell you how happy I would be if your patient broke off his relationship with those four varmints from another world who rule the Enemy’s chosen country. Alas, with your inept work, I don’t see that happening.
You know, keeping His ranks in one accord is one reason why the Enemy is so insistent that His followers use the despicable virtue called Love. He has it in His head that Love drives out Fear and, obviously, that makes things difficult for my side. But isn’t that just like the Enemy?
Well anyway, you just can’t underestimate how pleased I am that the younger Female ruler didn’t bring that detestable liquid to heal that little varmint who your patient hurt on the cusp of battle. I’m telling you, that stuff is as good as the Enemy’s own touch when it comes to healing wounds. It’s enough to make me shutter—something that I do regularly when I’m thinking about how the Enemy works.
Then again, what good is any of it? Unfortunately, your patient became humble and asked that little varmint to forgive him and that little varmint did forgive him because they’re both in the Enemy’s camp and that’s what the Enemy likes. Most awfully, their forgiveness of each other will, unfortunately, please the Enemy and I’m sure that He’s forgiven your patient too.
That is the most unfortunate thing about tempting vermin who have joined the Enemy’s ranks; no matter how many times they fall for my great suggestions, He has made it His business to clean them up so that He can present them to Himself without even one blemish.
You must understand, the Enemy is so deadly serious about this business of collecting all vermints to Himself that He was willing to take their place in death—which is, of course, the natural penalty for unfaithfulness to Him. I’m telling you, there is just no greater expression of the disgusting virtue of Love than dying for someone else.
Unfortunately, because of your shoddy work, no matter how many times your patient falls for a suggestion that I told you to give him, he is really very earnestly trying to become like what the Enemy likes and the Enemy isn’t going to ignore that. Yes, that’s right, you worthless fiend, unfortunately for you and, more importantly, me the Enemy will not only forgive your little brat despite his reckless behavior, but He will also help him to better determine when he should speak out and when he should shut up.
There is a time for both of those things, you know, and, given that it’s something the Enemy says, I’m positive that it will somehow hurt my side. It’s completely like the Enemy to say things that impedes my side, you know. He thinks that He’s such a big shot, but He’s nothing but a power-hungry maniac.
Well, let me tell you what, one of these days it will be the Enemy’s turn to leave. Undoubtedly, the tables will somehow turn and He will have to leave at the sound of my great name.
I’m telling you, one day I’ll have what I deserve: the Enemy’s throne.
But, I digress. Do you want to know something else that I’m relieved about? I’m relieved that the beautiful older Female ruler didn’t come to the battlefield with the younger ones. I’m telling you, not only does that older Female have a ravishingly beautiful body, but she’s also a deadly archer. She would have caused quite a distraction on the battlefield and I’m sure that the Males who like me more than the Enemy couldn’t handle looking at such carnal beauty and fighting at the same time. In all probability, they’d be so taken in by her gorgeous body that they’d become really stupid and she’d have a chance to pick them off with her bow and arrows.
That’s one of the awful paradoxes that I face when pitting the Enemy’s agents against vermin who like me. The Enemy’s agents often have all sorts of disgusting virtues like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control to help them. On the other hand, the vermin who like me can be filled up with great vices like breeding immorality, impurity, debauchery, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and other great things that are along those same lines.
In other words, vermin who like me aren’t likely to restrain themselves even when it’s important too because they don’t practice restraining themselves on a daily basis. Oh sure, they claim that they can get their act together on a moment’s notice, but that is one of the best jokes that my side tells.
Well, anyway, the main reason that I’m glad that the gorgeous older Female ruler stayed home is because she has a really powerful weapon in her arsenal. And, yes, this weapon is far superior to any other weapon on the battlefield. Do you know what that weapon is? It’s that dreadful Horn that she’s forever carrying around.
I’m telling you, that Horn of hers is terrible for my side; if she blows it, anything could happen and you can bet that whatever happens, it will be bad for my side. That despicable Horn gives that beautiful older Female ruler direct contact with the Enemy. When she blows it, He will send help no matter where she is or when she calls. There isn’t even one moment in which He says that it’s too late or too early for her to call on Him. I’m telling you, that’s just like the Enemy. He’s such a control freak that He doesn’t want any of the varmint in His camp to do anything without asking His advice. It’s pathetic.
If it were up to me, I’d hide that Horn so that no one could ever find it, especially no one after that stunning older Female ruler is gone from this world—and I wish that she would leave really soon.
Of course, as it pertains to your patient, I’m also glad that she didn’t come to the battlefield because, of all the rulers from the Enemy’s chosen country, she has the most influence on him—and unfortunately, it’s the kind of influence that the Enemy likes. I mean really, your patient isn’t nearly as much fun when that alluring older Female is around. She has spread her faith in the Enemy to your patient and, of course, that’s a serious problem for you and, more importantly, me.
Yes, it’s completely unfortunate that despite your patient being so easily tempted by such a small but powerful thing—that’s his tongue—you haven’t been able to benefit from it. You just can’t underestimate my fury about you being too inept to use such a glorious instrument like a varmint’s tongue to secure his soul for my side. Can’t you understand that whatever words come off a varmint’s tongue, they had been born in that varmint’s heart? Don’t you get that a varmint’s tongue is like a bit for a horse or a rudder for a ship? Even though it’s very small, a varmint’s tongue controls all of him.
Now really, why didn’t you take notes from the fine example that your colleague, Jester, made of his patient? Now there is some fine workmanship for my side. Jester’s varmint has the kind of mouth that a Devil like me dreams about on a daily basis. It was just awesome to watch that varmint stand in front of the Enemy Himself and tell Him exactly how things should be—that is, that I would one day defeat Him. Oh, it was music to my ears.
Anyway, let me ask you again, why didn’t you take notes on Jester’s performance? I mean, your patient was right there and even ran his mouth a little before, unfortunately, Everyman’s patient told him to shut up. Oh my me, why didn’t you take notes? If that doesn’t prove that I’ve been dealt a bad hand, then I don’t know what does. I swear, the Enemy always has a way of making wonderful situations turn out horribly for my side.
I’ll use a recent event as an example of this awful phenomenon. After Jester’s patient cursed the Enemy’s name to His face, the Enemy went and turned him into a ridiculous beast of burden and made him a laughingstock in front of His ranks. I’m telling you, you just can’t expect anything different from a power-hungry Ruler like the Enemy. He just won’t allow any glorification of anyone but Himself. Just remember, the Enemy is a real jerk.
At least the Enemy hasn’t ruined everything. Jester’s patient is still on a path that will lead him straight to my dinner table and I’m sure that Jester will be able to deliver the goods; he’s not an inept moron like you. I mean really, even the fact that the Enemy offered Jester’s patient mercy, even as He carried out justice, didn’t stop that varmint from following my suggestion that he should seethe with rage and think that the Enemy is unjust. I’m just disappointed that He intervened at all. If He hadn’t stepped in then maybe someone who was thinking about joining His ranks would have been turned off by His unwillingness to step in on behalf of Himself.
Of course, it’s just like the Enemy to intervene on His own behalf. After all, He has this awful quote that says vengeance will be His. He says that He will repay all the wrongs that vermin who don’t like Him do to His ranks. That’s why He likes His ranks to love other varmints and treat them kindly; it’s not their responsibility to seek retribution for wrongs committed against them or their loved ones. But, it’s awfully fun when they do.
Anyway, you can be sure that I’ll write to Jester and take the credit that I’m due because his patient is coming along toward my dinner table quite nicely. Of course, I need to finish writing lots of other letters first because I definitely live by the philosophy of work before pleasure. Believe you me, it’s hard work to keep all you morons in line, but writing to Jester will be a pleasure.
You know, along those lines, I don’t know why I’m bothering to write to an idiot like you. I mean really, if you’re too stupid to take notes on the performance of a fine demon like Jester—who has handled his assignment in a manner far superior to your own work—why should I expect you to listen to me?
Of sure, I promised that I’d be nice and counsel you gently to make you fit to be my employee, but why should I? Really, I want an answer, why should I waste my time on a fool like you? Let me tell you, it doesn’t make sense for me to reach up so high—and you know I hate heights—if my advice isn’t going to benefit myself anyway. After all, you’re too stupid to do anything but helplessly watch as your patient learns to become more like the Enemy each and every day. I mean really, I would explode with rage if I hadn’t pledged to treat you with the utmost civility and tact and since I always keep my word, please let me know if I can be of further assistance. I care about you so much that I can’t imagine not helping you to do the best job that you’re capable of doing—which isn’t saying much.
The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Lary is named for Laryngitis because it’s the ultimate sore throat–something you get when you talk too much. I often wonder just exactly how old Cor and Corin are and I’ve come to the conclusion that they’d probably be tweens or young teens, which are plenty old enough for a young royal to learn to not be impulsive in word and deed.
We all laugh at Corin because, quite frankly, he says and does things that we all would like to say and do. I mean, who doesn’t want to box Rabadash at the end of The Horse and His Boy? But Corin isn’t “just a child” and the crap he tends to pull isn’t funny. He’s a royal child who has been in the public eye from day one and I have to assume King Lune has taught him what it means to live and serve in the limelight of royalty. Can you imagine the headlines if Prince Corin were a real person?
“The Horse and His Boy” also tells of how Corin was able to kill a Calormen in the Battle for Anvard, so he’d obviously had some lessons in swordsmanship. In fact, if he’s a tween or young teen, he might be at a squire’s level of training on the way to becoming a knight. But, knights weren’t simply trained to fight wars; lessons in etiquette came first. If Corin could fight well enough to kill an enemy warrior, then surely he knows when to be quiet and keep his hands to himself. Has anyone ever wondered if Corin flunked his etiquette test?
To paraphrase one of my favorite football player’s, “He is a role model, but he’s a bad one.”
Bible verses: 2 Tim. 3:16-17; Prov. 15:1; Luke 6:39; Ecc. 4:9-12; Psalm 27:5; Matt. 5:13-16; 1 Peter 3:15; 2 Tim. 2:13; Heb. 13:8; James 1:17; Matt. 28:18-20; Acts 17:11; Rom. 8:26; 1 John 1:9; Matt. 18:15-17; Luke 15:25-28a; Rom. 12:10; Prov. 10:12; 1 Peter 4:8; Psalm 39:1; Prov. 21:23; 1 John 4:18; James 2:19-20; Matt. 18:18; Col. 3:13; Eph. 5:26-27; John 3:16-18; 15:13; Ecc. 3:7b; Gal. 5:22-23; 19-21; Psalm 50:15, 121:3-4; 2 Tim. 1:5; James 1:14, 3:3-6; Deut. 32:35: Rom.12:17-21