My Dear Nazi,
How dare you! How dare you! Have I not—for the last millennia, I might add—been preaching vigilance to you worthless fools? Have I not repeatedly warned you that the Enemy would eventually bring back the Human varmints from another world to ruin my plans? Did I not warn you?
Oh, but you didn’t listen, did you? You didn’t listen and you let the past one hundred years, which have been so much fun for my side, lull you into a false sense of security. How dare you act so foolishly. Didn’t you know that the last one hundred years have been just as horrible as the nine hundred years before them? After all, I’m not sitting on the Enemy’s throne yet, am I? Am I? Well, that’s the only thing that will make me happy. I mean really, you’re such a worthless fool.
Now, I’ll bet that you’re wondering how I know about your recent mistakes. Am I right? Of course, I am. Well, that’s because you’re so stupid that you didn’t realize that I get regular updates about the progress of my field agents. I get them from my—well, never mind who I get them from. Just know that I know about everything that you’ve messed up. Oh my me, why am I forced to work with such incompetence?
Well, anyway, do you know what your report says? Actually, it’s really quite predictable, since you’re so stupid. It says that you haven’t bothered to follow any of my instructions.
Oh, how foolish you are to think that you could hide your mistakes from me. I mean sure, the Enemy is omnipresent, but you must have forgotten that I have tons of minions crawling around this world, checking on all my slipshod employees in the field. That’s right you idiot, I’ve leveled the playing field with the Enemy in this regard. But, of course, I won’t be happy until I’m greater than He is.
Do you know what I’m going to do now? I’m going to read you the report on your performance. Then you’ll feel the full weight, blow by merciless blow, of my unquenchable fury as I’m explaining your mistakes.
It says here that your patient found a little Female varmint at the Lamppost that has been lit ever since the Enemy created this world and that your patient chatted with that little varmint, invited her into his home for food and drink, and then help her to escape back into her own world.
Now, since you’re so stupid, I’m sure that you weren’t very alarmed by this little Female’s entrance into the Enemy’s chosen country. After all, your patient had agreed to hand any and all Human varmints that he found over to my friend, the Witch, and your report does state that you did a decent job of placing Fear within your patient’s heart for a little while.
Of course, make no mistake, it’s the final destination of each varmint’s soul that I’m chiefly concerned with and face it, you fool, your patient ended up loving the Enemy more than he obviously loves himself and certainly more than he fears my friend.
Well let me just say, unlike you, I was very concerned the moment that I read about these recent happenings. I just know that the Enemy is behind this and I’m fairly certain that we haven’t seen the last of that little Female varmint. I’ll tell you, some of my lowest appointments in the Lowerarchy, who know the Enemy far better than you do, join me in being very nervous about the meaning of these recent events.
Do you know why my lowest appointments and I are nervous? I’ll bet that you don’t because you’re to high up on the Lowerarchy and, quite frankly, to stupid to understand.
Well, let me tell you, the fact that the little Female varmint has come into this world near that awful Lamppost gives me a good idea that she’s somehow connected with those two brats that were here when the Enemy thwarted the Witch’s attempt to kill Him with the Lamppost seed, as it were, on the day that He created this awful world. The Enemy is always doing stuff like that, you know. He leaves behind markings of Himself and what He’s done and then He reminds the varmints in His camp of those things by connecting new things to those old markers.
Do you have any idea how much I hate the way that Lamppost has been shining brightly ever since this world was created? Of course, what’s even worse is that it’s been shining regardless of the fact that my friend is now in charge of the Enemy’s chosen country. I mean really, couldn’t the Enemy cease to give hope to His followers? Don’t you suppose that, since all hope of the Enemy’s return is gone, His Lamppost should go dark?
Of course, unfortunately, the Enemy is not gone for good, and that little Female varmint’s appearance is an obvious sign of that. Well, at least it’s an obvious sign to those of us—mainly me—who have the smarts to know what’s going on in this world. Tell me, you haven’t forgotten what the Enemy says about varmints coming here from another world, have you? Tell me you haven’t forgotten and do it now, you stupid moron. It’ll make me feel better if I could hear you lying. Of course, I suppose you’re to stupid to even know when it’s an appropriate time to lie.
That’s pretty bad, you know, because it’s always an appropriate time to lie.
Well, anyway, let me get back to your moronic indiscretion. You can mark my words, you worthless imbecile, the little Female varmint that your patient helped will be trouble if she isn’t contained right away. She looks like she could easily surrender herself to the Enemy. Unfortunately, that’s the bad thing about little brats like her. They’re quite susceptible to His so-called truths and they pick up on our lies too easily. I wonder what that little Female varmint can be tempted to do? Everyone can be tempted, after all. I need to find a competent Overling who can find out quickly because if that little Female varmint encounters the Enemy before we can get to her then He’ll help her resist us and she’ll believe in Him and belong to His camp. That will undoubtedly spoil my great plans.
Of course, you won’t be allowed to find out about that little Female varmint. I have something else in mind for you. In fact, I’ll tell you right now. I don’t plan on sending you anywhere but to my dinner table, you worthless imbecile. Actually, I intend to write the order—err invitation—just as soon as I finish this letter detailing your mistakes. I’ll be sending them both together.
Oh sure, in the past I’ve been known to be a very benevolent and forgiving Devil, but I really don’t see how I can let your error slide. I mean, you should know very well what the Enemy says about varmints coming in from another world and the end of my friend’s reign over His land. So since you’ve obviously botched your assignment beyond repair, I see no reason to keep you in the field. Of course, failed demons don’t taste nearly as wonderful as varmints who aren’t in the Enemy camp, but I’ll take whatever I can get.
But I digress. Don’t you realize what an easy assignment you had? Don’t you realize that your patient could have been the tastiest morsel that I’ve yet had in this world if you hadn’t gone and blown the whole thing? I mean really, your patient even agreed to be an informant in my friend’s regime and guard against the very thing that he ended up helping. Don’t you understand how stupid that makes you look? Well, guess what? Now you get to be a tasty morsel on my dinner plate.
I mean really, my friend had your patient so scared of her that he was willing to help her in order to keep himself safe. She had him so wrapped up in his fear that he nearly forgot the Enemy saying that those who want to save their life will end up losing it and whoever loses their life for His sake will end up living with Him forever. She had him so scared that he’d nearly forgotten that, unfortunately, the Enemy considers those who suffer persecution for His sake to be blessed.
You know, my friend does a far better job of making the vermin in the Enemy’s chosen country lose their faith in Him than you’ve been doing. I mean really, I just crack up whenever I see her waving her wand at some despicable varmint. Do you know what my reaction to your performance is? I’m spitting fireballs as I write this very letter.
Ah, it’s so much fun to have a leader in charge of the Enemy’s chosen country who not only likes the things that I like but who is also an avowed hater of the Enemy Himself. I mean sure, whoever likes the thing that I like will naturally hate the Enemy but it’s awfully fun to have someone who actually admits with words, not just deeds, that they hate the Enemy.
Do you realize why such a circumstance is so much fun? No, of course, you don’t. If you had even the slightest inkling, you’d have known what an easy assignment you had and you would have capitalized on it instead of blowing it.
Let me explain. You see, the Enemy has made it clear that the rulers of a country are to be respected and obeyed because the Enemy Himself has given the vermin those rulers for their own good. He also says that if the vermin in His camp do what their leaders like then they will have nothing to fear. I just enjoy it so much when a friend of mine is in power, because then, the Enemy’s varmints have no choice but to do the things that I like.
Of course, the problem remains that the Enemy Himself is, unfortunately, the ultimate authority for those vermin in His camp, so they like to resist doing things that He doesn’t like, even when their worldly leader has commanded them to violate His laws. In fact, lots of them, like your patient, will persist in their belief that the Enemy can save them even at the last moment. I mean really, that makes me just want to explode with fury.
Now, of course, the Witch doesn’t actually get her authority from the Enemy but it’s very easy to make the vermin think that she has because she’s in power. Oftentimes, the vermin don’t consider whether someone came to authority with the Enemy’s blessing or not but they do remember that the Enemy has set everything under His authority so they figure that whoever is holding the scepter or the gavel or whatever is the one that the Enemy has blessed. It’s a really wonderful misconception and I’m sure that, no matter how this era turns out, my side will be able to use this misconception again.
You know, it’s just too bad that your ancient colleagues, who were in charge of the first leaders of this land, didn’t follow my instructions. I could have been having the kind of fun that I’ve had over the past century for the past millennium if they’d done their job correctly. Oh well, you can be sure that they were tasty morsels on my dinner plate. Do you know what else that you can be sure of? You’ll be a tasty morsel on my dinner plate too.
But let me return to your situation. Did you realize that your patient blatantly chose to be persecuted? Yes, that’s right, you worthless moron, your patient weighed the things that you told him against the Enemy’s supposed words then chose to cast his lot with the Enemy rather than do something that I would like. He chose to deny himself safety and freedom and to follow the Enemy wherever He leads. He chose to remember that the Enemy told the vermin in His camp that my side will persecute them simply because they are His. Lastly, your patient chose to remember that the Enemy has said that His followers will suffer in the same manner that He Himself suffers.
You know what? That last bit about suffering as the Enemy Himself suffers makes me extremely nervous. I mean, who does the Enemy think that He is? Surely, He knows that no one can make Him suffer—unless He agrees to it. But then, why in my name would He agree to something like that?
Of course, don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all opposed to making the Enemy suffer. In fact, I’d like that very much. I just don’t understand His motives. Then again, I never do.
Well, I really must leave off here because I need to go make sure that my ovens are hot enough to really torment you. I’ll just close with one more thing.
Do you know where you really went wrong? Do you understand where your little error became a complete flop? Of course, you don’t, you’re a moron. Well, let me tell you. You went wrong because you didn’t pick up on the fact that, even though your patient was scared out of his mind of the Witch, he still loved the Enemy and he knew that the Enemy would, unfortunately, help him and reward him with a room in His own Country. That made your patient recklessly unafraid to oppose my friend, and ultimately, that’s why I’ll be filling out my dinner order—err invitation—shortly.
Would you like to be fried or baked or broiled? Oh, never mind, I’ll just eat you raw because that will bring out your flavors so well. Have you ever heard of raw stupidity or raw terror?
Say, just one more note. Did you know that I’ve already handed responsibility for your patient over to the Witch? Yes, that’s right, since I see that you’re an utter buffoon when it comes to controlling him, I went ahead and authorized my friend to take over. I’m certain that she’ll make the best of a terrible situation. Although, granted, after your horrible mistakes, she doesn’t have much to work with. After all, your patient does belong to the Enemy.
As for you, you needn’t bother with an RSVP. I’m not giving you a choice about coming to dinner or not.
The Splendid, Merciless, Murderous, One and Only
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: As before, the slight change in the closing salutation denotes the passage of time. This signature will designate the Winter Revolution and the Golden Age.
I decided to not end this letter with an offer for more help because the Witch ends up killing Tumnus (turning him into stone). Now, of course, Aslan brings Tumnus back to life, but I think that having little Nazi ordered in to be Tash’s dinner would be an interesting way to symbolize Tumnus’ death. I took the idea from The Screwtape Letters because, towards the end, Screwtape specifically tells Wormwood to keep his patient alive because if he dies then they’ll lose the opportunity to have his soul because the man was in the Enemy’s camp.
Nazi was named as Tumnus’ demon for three reasons. First, because he risked his freedom and life in order to hide Lucy and help her escape. That reminds me of the way so many people did that very same thing when they heard about the people persecuted at the hands of the Nazis. He knew he was a dead fuan when the Witch found out but he was willing to protect her anyway.
Second, Maugrim and the rest of the Witch’s secret police force reminds me of the Gestapo as they were responsible for scaring the Narnian population into following the Witch’s party line.
Third, when Tumnus helps Lucy evacuate out of Narnia, she enters England, which, of course, remained free throughout WWII. Perhaps, CS Lewis was feeling some nationalistic pride when he penned that part.
Bible verses: Mark 12:30; Luke 10:26-37: Matt. 5:11-12, 10:39; John 12:25, 16:33; 2 Tim. 3:16; Rom. 13:1-5; Heb. 13:17; Dan. 3:16-18; Col. 2:9-10; Matt. 16:24-26; Luke 9:23-25; 1 Peter 2:18-23; Phil. 2:6-11; John:12:26, 14:1-6; Rev. 2:10