My Dear Carios,
Well, done, my little parasite, well done. You fought the fight that I assigned to you and crossed the finish line with a scrumptious meal for me. Now your patient’s soul is waiting out back in the darkness, where all the delightful weeping and gnashing of teeth takes place, while I write to you. When I’m finished, I intend to personally go and supervise his cooking to make sure that his suffering meets my expectations.
Then, obviously, I’ll eat him.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t always been thrilled with your patient’s downward progression. In fact, I was livid when he moved in with your idiot colleague, Ream’s patient, because of the recent rumors about that varmint or one of his horrid kind bringing one of the Enemy’s most frustrating weapons back to His chosen country.
I mean really, how could you have slipped up and allowed your patient to strike up a relationship with a varmint from the Enemy’s camp?
Of course, due to my great interest in eating your patient, I was very concerned that you’d be consumed by all the pressure that comes with working for me in such an intense situation so, obviously, I moved in quickly to help you out.
Now, for a time, all the reasons for my concern played out just the way that I suspected they would and your patient not only became interested in playing with the Enemy’s weapon but also in what He had to offer him.
Of course, luck was on your side with the great experience which I so benevolently shared and you were able to hide yourself well and hang onto him through all his superb struggles and he never actually found out that the Enemy’s so-called love is, unfortunately, very wide, long, high, and deep.
I’m telling you, I’ve been screaming for generations about how just a little Doubt, Despair, Hate, and Bitterness is all that’s needed to start degrading a varmint all the way down to my dinner table. Now, finally, an industrious little employee like you comes along and does a halfway decent job of making me look as great as I really am.
That proves that I was right all along; the amount of vice that it takes to start a varmint down the wide and slippery slope is equal to your own very small stature. Never forget how just a little depravity can work its way in and encourage a varmint to become Angry, Spiteful, and Vengeful toward their enemies and eventually, with any luck, their so-called friends as well.
Do you know how hard I laughed when your patient finally began to doubt the usefulness of the Enemy’s terrible weapon and ridiculed Ream’s patient for his continuous insistence that the weapon was actually working, even though he could never offer any tangible proof?
I mean really, for how many centuries have the vermin who don’t acknowledge the Enemy’s existence ruled His chosen country? So why does Ream’s awful patient keep insisting that his overactive imagination is right and your patient’s eyes are wrong?
Some varmints are so naive.
Let me put it another way: Have you seen any lightning bolts striking down those great brutes who don’t acknowledge the Enemy’s existence? Have you heard of any curses raining down on them from His Country? Have you heard of any devastating plagues that wiped them out? Have you ever seen any other great malady that drove them away? Of course, you haven’t. But isn’t that what your patient asked for during that tense time when he was interested in playing with His old weapon?
So, of course, it’s no wonder that he finally accepted the factual suggestion that I told you to give him about the Enemy’s weapon being broken down. I mean, you know how these old toys get, don’t you?
Luckily for you and more importantly me, your patient was taken in by that suggestion because he now sees the Enemy as more of a renowned historical figure who is unable or unwilling to help His ranks in this much more savage modern era.
Of course, I’ve never seen any reason for your delicious-looking patient to find out that the Enemy isn’t tame and, therefore, follows His own whims when He answers His own aggravatingly potent weapon. Sometimes He makes it His priority to interfere dramatically by calming the stormy situation that the vermin in His camp have gotten themselves into and, at other times, He chooses to interfere quietly by calming His pathetically whiny ranks.
Isn’t that ridiculous? I mean really, my side had better be ready to take advantage of His whims. After all, what varmint in his right mind wants to be quietly calmed in the midst of a storm when the Enemy claims to be able to literally and dramatically calm the storm itself? I’m telling you, I have long suspected that the Enemy is a fraud and His claims are only a cover-up.
You know, a second thing that made me laugh really hard is when I saw how easily you attached yourself to your patient because he wasn’t wearing the Enemy’s armor. I’m telling you, I bet that your patient’s armor is either sitting in his closet, completely rusted, or in some dump somewhere because he wouldn’t wear clothes that don’t fit him.
I bet that you wouldn’t have such an easy time holding onto Ream’s patient because he never seems to forget to cover his whole body and he’s constantly examining himself for little parasites like yourself.
Of course, your patient’s choice of clothing isn’t the only reason that I’m gleeful; his dietary choices are absolutely hilarious too. I mean really, he claims to be perfectly healthy because he eats a very balanced diet but that’s the best joke around. Unbeknownst to him, you’ve been siphoning off his best nutrients for years.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I think that it’s perfectly scrumptious that your patient is a sick fool. In fact, sick fools are the only thing that is fit for consumption at my dinner table. But isn’t it the funniest thing ever to watch as the Enemy provides him with the most sustaining meals that he could ever have but then he allows you to drain it all away because he is both blind to your presence and the Enemy’s presence.
I’m telling you, because you followed my brilliant advice, your patient finally stopped listening to the advice that Ream’s hideous patient badgered him with and started walking with other varmints of a more splendidly despicable quality.
Who ever told Ream’s know-it-all brat that your patient needed his help anyway? Doesn’t he himself need help? Of course, he does. I mean really, everyone needs my help. So why did he feel the need to tell your patient all about what he was supposedly doing wrong?
You know, before your patient came down to my country, I was going through Ream’s latest report, looking for something that your patient could throw back in that awful punk’s face but, unfortunately, I think that your colleague forgot how to fill in the reports that I send out hourly because I saw nothing in them but incoherent rambles about how angry I’ll be if he can’t bring his patient down to me.
I’m getting hungry just thinking about that worthless employee of mine.
But, I digress. After your patient started walking out with those more detestably flavorful characters, you were able to use my suggestion that he just stand back and wait, although not for too long, to see which side—mine or the Enemy—would win instead of being a loathsome brat like Quisling’s old patient and actually try to implement certain conditions in which the Enemy could, unfortunately, thrive in. After that, he got delightfully lazy and sat down to mock the vermin who continued on with their nonsense about the Enemy’s eventual return.
Oh, what a delightful downward progression that is. Now, your patient is like savory chaff and he has blown all the way down to my dinner table.
Oh my me, I bet that you’re too stupid to know about the catastrophe that recently almost befell me concerning your patient. Luckily for you, and more importantly me, my great wrath was appeased by your studious response to my Current Events Department’s memo. I think that this department has been very critical to your productivity because your patient has always been swayed by what is beneficial to himself at any given moment. And, of course, if something stops being beneficial to him, he moves on very quickly instead of sticking around and developing certain terrible virtues.
I’m telling you, it was very satisfying to watch as you got my note about bringing things to a head quickly. I mean, doesn’t your very existence depend on yourself responding correctly to my always timely warnings? Of course, it does. After all, I’m a very hungry Devil and my time waits for no little worthless employee. By me, I deserve to have a meal and I want your varmint.
At any rate, my suggestion that your patient call up my old friend—who brought me many great meals during her so-called unlawful reign—was the best one that I’ve ever had. Don’t you think so? Of course, you do. Political issues always sway passionate responses from vermin who care about which direction their country is going in and how that direction benefits themselves. I mean really, who made up the rules for leadership in the Enemy’s chosen country anyway? As far as I’m concerned, my old friend did the job far better than anyone before or since and she was certainly great for my always gluttonous diet. So, I ask again, what was so bad about her leadership?
I mean really, I just wonder if I’ll ever find another friend who could possibly fill up my table the way she did?
But, anyway, back to you. Did you know that your studious response to my recent meno also helped to mitigate another great catastrophe that has happened recently? I mean, I know that you were probably celebrating my stunning victory over the Enemy as your patient and his delightful so-called new friends were calling up my old friend, but did you happen to notice the vermin who came in and sent your patient and his great unsavory companions to my country?
Well, let me just say how furious I am with your idiot colleague, Pyrrho. You see, when his patient went off on that ridiculous errand that your colleague, Pavo’s patient, sent him on he just happened to run into the Enemy’s dramatic interfering cheating answer to all my years and years of laborious work.
I mean really, He chooses to interfere now? Well, isn’t that just like Him.
Of course, I could be irate about His whim to intervene now, but I’m actually going to just celebrate my smashing little victory. After all, isn’t it just like the Enemy to ignore the request of a loathsome downtrodden varmint like your patient but then turn around and grant the same request when a really important punk like Pavo’s patient asks for the exact same thing?
I’m telling you, He is the biggest hypocrite that I know.
Oh, my me, His interference is the worst thing to happen to my side in many generations. Can you fathom why He broke His long-standing promise to never return Human vermin from another world who have been in this world before? Can you fathom why the vermin who He brought back are those four hideous varmints who used to rule here?
And, most terribly of all, can you fathom why He Himself showed up to lead them? I mean, didn’t those terrible jerks prove that they could get along without Him when they ruled His chosen country for so long many centuries ago? Why does He feel the need to show up?
I’m telling you, I bet that He came back because He is tired of hearing the vermin in His camp whine about their great difficulties. I mean, it couldn’t be because He cares for them. I mean, I certainly don’t care for them.
You know, the Enemy is the worst liar of all. Didn’t He say that things never happen the same way twice? Yet, here He is, leading His ranks into battle against me again.
I’m telling you, I’m delighted that your patient is about to be prepared for my dinner instead of meeting the Enemy and His loathsome agents from another world who used to rule His chosen country. If he’d met them then he might have been persuaded to really join His camp and thus be lost to my side forever.
Of course, luckily for you, and more importantly me, I’m going to be laughing for eons to come because your patient ended up coming to my country on the sword blade of some varmint who, no doubt, intended to save him from me.
Isn’t that hilarious?
Oh, what a glorious meal I’m about to feast on. I’m telling you, your patient will be especially tasty for me to gnaw on after so many of your colleagues have slipped up and failed me recently. In fact, I would invite you down here to feast on his soul with me but, as a studious little demon like you should know, I always feast alone.
I guess that means that you’re out of luck, just like so many of your worthless colleagues who came before you. I mean really, why would a great Devil like me share anything with a snotty little upstart Overling like yourself?
Of course, a great Devil like me can never really take any time off, even for dinner. After all, the Enemy, unfortunately, doesn’t take a moment off and I have to stay alert so that I can get warning letters to all my idiot employees in the field.
In fact, just now, I must sign off and write another letter to your splendid colleague Fratri because that lousy older Male from another world who used to rule here is already making plans to fight a duel to the death with his despicably great varmint.
I’m not sure which little varmint I would like to win this fight. You see, if that horrible older Male varmint from another world who used to rule here kills Fratri’s patient, then I’ll get to have a double helping at dinner tonight. However, if Fratri’s patient kills that renowned older Male from another world who used to rule here, then it’s very likely all the vermin in the Enemy’s camp would give up on Him and I’d have many meals for generations to come.
Oh, decisions, decisions, and hardly any time to think. I’m telling you, no one could do this job as well as I’m doing it. I mean really, why aren’t I sitting on the Enemy’s throne yet? Undoubtedly, it isn’t my fault.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: In both the book and the movie, Nikabrik is described as one who “would have been a good dwarf in peaceful times” or as one who “lost hope” so I think that, at one point or another, he was interested in Aslan and His promises. Perhaps that’s why he moved in with Trufflehunter; he was attracted to the badger’s compassion and hopeful spirit. But then life under the Telmarines happened and that life didn’t square with all the things that his roommate kept on about, so after a while, he started thinking that belief in Aslan wasn’t any better than belief in fairytales.
After coming to that conclusion, he went shopping around for something that matched the reality of his today instead of a theology that looks forward to the everlasting future. That search led him to the wrong crowd and he followed a bad philosophy to his death. The sad part is, Nikabrik was moments away from finding the salvation that he craved when he died.
His demon’s name, Carios, comes from a Genus name of ticks from the Family, Argasidae. When I started thinking about ticks, I thought about how the most basic form of protection is to cover your body with clothes and how that’s similar to covering ourselves with the Armor of God.
Another way we protect ourselves from ticks is to check our bodies. That’s similar to examining our lives so we can find those “ticks” that need removing. Then, to take this idea a step farther, it’s also important to have some else check us for ticks that aren’t visible to us, which is similar to having someone hold us accountable for “ticks” that we’re either ignoring or don’t recognize as “ticks”.
Bible verses: Matt. 25:14-30; 2 Tim. 4:7; Lam. 3:22-23; Matt. 7:21, 13:5-6, 20-21; Mark 4::5-6, 16-17; Eph. 3:16-19; Matt. 7:13-14, 13:31-33; 1 Kings 19:11-13; Psalm 46:10-11; Matt. 11:28-30; Eph. 6:10-18; Col. 3:12-14; Deut. 8:3-4; Matt. 4:4, 6:11, 9:12-13; Mark 2:17; Luke 5:31; John 4:14, 7:37-38; 2 Cor. 12:9-10; Ecc. 4:9-12; Matt. 7:3-5; 2 Chron. 7:14; Psalm 1:1-6; Eph. 4:14; James 1:6-8; Rom. 5:3-5; Phil. 2:1-11; Matt. 23:1-12; Luke 14:7-11, 18:1-8; Ex. 3:7-9; John 8:44; Heb. 13:8; Matt. 11:3-5; Luke 7:20-22; 2 Tim. 4:8; Psalm 121:3-4