My dear Cabfact,
Well, I must say, I was quite gleeful about the opportunity that you were recently presented with when your colleague, Pavo, came to visit you.When his young and inexperienced brat decided to take a walk on an island in that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere instead of sailing around it, I knew that a rare opportunity for a victory had just presented itself.
I’m telling you, it’s not everyday that one of my most brilliant and effective employees has the opportunity to do anything more than the ordinary mundane devilry that I expect from all of my employees.
I mean really, if more of my worthless employees had reacted the way you did to the sudden and unexpected opportunities they’re presented with then those infuriatingly awful younger Humans varmints from another world who used to rule here and have just returned for a third time wouldn’t have made such an awful impact on the Enemy’s chosen country.
Oh my me, can you even fathom the fireballs that erupted from my mouth when one of my clandestined employees messaged me about their return? I’m telling you, I would have thought that it was beneath the Enemy to use the kind of trickery that He obviously used to have them return right in the middle of the ocean when Pavo’s patient and his crew were sailing past. I mean sure, it doesn’t take much to bring them back on solid ground—I’m sure that I could do it—but having them pop up out of the middle of the ocean is really very unfair.
And, of course, it’s not only unfair, it’s also unnecessary. I mean, it wasn’t as if I’m a threat to those varmints out there, was I? Of course, I was.
Besides that, Pavo’s discontent patient is finally going to enact my suggestion to consolidate his leadership over the unsuspecting populations who live in the utter east while he sails under the guise of searching for his paternal relation’s old so-called friends. I mean really, I just can’t even find the words to describe how excited I am about regaining the unfortunate losses that the Enemy stole from me the last time that those younger Human varmints from another world who used to rule here with their older relations were here while Pavo’s varmint is away from the mainland.
You know, speaking of those two older punk Human rulers, I was delighted to find out that they haven’t come back. After all, I didn’t believe the Enemy’s claim about them not being allowed to come back after they left the last time. In fact, I still don’t believe Him.
On the other hand, I think that the new Human punk who has come with the younger Human varmints from another world who used to rule here looks like he has real potential to help my side. In particular, I think that he could be a real asset to your colleague, Oxiana. After all, his little patient has been absolutely obnoxious ever since the Enemy healed the wound left by your colleague’s very potent bite.
Oh my me, I was so close to eating that terrible tiny punk a few years ago that I could practically taste his corrupt little soul but then Enemy stole him right out of my talons and, unfortunately, in the ensuing years He has given that tiny little pest a very large reputation.
Well, mark my words, I’ll be writing to your colleague again when I have a spare moment.
But, I digress. Say, I bet that you’re not smart enough to understand just how euphoric I was when your patient captured Pavo’s patient, Oxiana’s patient, those two younger Humans varmints from another world who used to rule here, and the new Human varmint who is their relation. After all, you haven’t been directing this war against the Enemy since the dawn of time, so how could you possibly understand all of the unfair treatment that He has thrown my way?
Well, no matter because, I’m telling you, I couldn’t have orchestrated the takedown of those loathsome Enemy agents any better, even if I knew His secretive plans for the end of time. Now, if that doesn’t prove that He isn’t giving me my due, then I don’t know what does.
You know, I don’t think that there could be a more productive example of the Enemy’s hypocrisy than the fact that He just up and let your patient capture and sell Pavo’s patient and his so-called friends. I mean, just think about it for a minute.
Let’s start with the younger Male varmint from another world who used to rule here. Obviously, selling him into slavery is a completely just sentence because of the awesome sin that he committed during his first foray into the Enemy’s chosen country. But the Enemy has spent centuries claiming that He forgave him and has even spread all kinds of ridiculous rumors about supposedly having died in that varmint’s stead, so I just have to laugh with glee when His hypocrisy finally comes out and He allows that dirty punk to get hauled off to his well-deserved sentence.
I’m telling you, justice delayed is not justice denied because I always get what I want.
Similarly, the Enemy claims to have healed and pardoned Oxiana’s despicable little varmint for the great sin that he committed a few years ago. Yet, here again, your colleague’s patient has been captured and will, undoubtedly, be sold into slavery, just like he deserves.
And, obviously, I won’t forget to mention the younger Female varmint from another world who used to rule here. Her capture was undoubtedly the most amazing example of Enemy’s hypocrisy because He has always claimed that varmints with her qualities are closest to Him and that He will never leave them unattended.
What a joke.
I’m telling you, isn’t it the funniest thing ever to watch Him trumping up all of the so-called rewards that He’ll supposedly give to His ranks if they endure the great persecutions that my side inflicts and then He just stands by while I do as I please to them?
Don’t you think that if He actually practiced what He preaches, then His employees would have undoubtedly saved His agents from your patient? So, doesn’t that mean that His supposedly mighty roar is nothing more than a soft little mew? I mean really, it’s enough to make me want to laugh.
Say, did you know that with your patient and your colleague, Onoda’s patient, living and working on that little archipelago in the middle of nowhere, it has become quite a delightful place for my side to flourish? In fact, I would say that watching the goings-on there reminds me of everything that the Enemy stole from me on the mainland after your colleague, Fratri, delivered his patient’s scrumptious soul down to my dinner table a few years ago.
Let me tell you, I will always harbor a grudge against Him for interfering with my great plans and I will certainly punish Him severely for His denial of my greatness after I’ve taken over His throne.
At any rate, do you know why the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere is one of my favorite places nowadays? It’s because the ancient leading vermin who were in change out there have previously made public statements about belonging to the Enemy’s camp so when the current leading varmints, like your patient and Onoda’s patient, blatantly break His harsh rules, they show themselves to be just as hypocritical as He Himself is. Also, being that they are leading varmints, they naturally have the effect of dragging the lesser vermin rabble down to my dinner table with them.
I’m telling you, I can steal, kill, and destroy anything I want to on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere without any repercussions because the vermin who live there are no longer familiar with the Enemy and His overbearing standards.
Isn’t it very lucky for me that the older Female varmint from another world who used to rule here and was banished from this world a few years ago left her very potent weapon on the mainland and it never found its way out here during Fratri’s patient’s reign or before? And isn’t it also very lucky for me that Pavo’s patient left her old weapon on the mainland with Phyrro’s patient instead of sailing with it in his own cache of awful weapons? I’m telling you, if Pavo’s patient had the older Female ruler’s old weapon, he might be getting more brainwashed than he already is during clandestine conversations with the Enemy right under your beak. If that happened, he might not be as discontent and malleable for my side as he is right now.
And, just as terribly, if he had brought her terrible old weapon with him, he might have also gotten it into his head to teach the varmints who live on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere about how to wield it. That would certainly make things uncomfortable for you because I would punish you severely and unceasingly.
Oh, my me, what an important employee you are in this day and age when the Enemy and His harsh standards are getting more attention than they have for many centuries in the Enemy’s chosen country and its dependencies. It’s quite obvious to me that, through your constant and efficient effort, the vermin who live on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere haven’t had a chance to intimately understand the awful implications of His rumored return to the mainland because they haven’t actually witnessed any of the tricks that He uses to fool the vermin into thinking that His ridiculous claims are the so-called truth.
I mean, seeing is believing, isn’t it? Of course, it is. And with your patient and Onoda’s patient in charge out here, I’ve managed to convince the resident vermin that what the mainlander’s do and think is none of their business.
Certainly, they don’t need to put learning about the Enemy on their bucket lists because I know what happens to vermin who don’t do that. I eat their souls.
Of course, being that I am who I am, I obviously can’t leave you with the impression that your performance was anywhere close to adequate, so let me just mention a very small but irritatingly disappointing incident that involves your recent performance.
You see, I saw the report about your patient selling Pavo’s patient to a feeble-minded old Male.
Well, didn’t you get the emergency memo that I sent detailing who that dotty old Male was? Well, I happen to know that you did get my memo because my clandestined employee who is assigned to watch your every move says that you were very cocksure about your recent great success so you decided to throw my note in the water.
Well, how do you feel about your performance now, you sniveling little idiot? I mean really, because you didn’t look at the memo that I sent, Pavo’s patient was set free by that old Male codger and he is currently doing damage to all the delightful progress that I’ve been making on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere.
I’m telling you, if you’d read my note and taken my brilliant advice into account, you might have figured out that I wanted you to suggest to your patient that he shouldn’t sell Pavo’s patient to that weak-willed old Male. Instead, I would have enjoyed watching your patient stir up the vermin rabble with rumors that Pavo’s patient is only landing on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere because he wants to oppress the inhabitants with strange foreign mainland customs. With any luck, the vermin rabble might have thrown him and his so-called friends back into the ocean.
But, of course, even though you disregarded my memo and didn’t suggest that your patient incite riots to keep this unfortunate incident from happening, I still want to reassure you that all is not lost. After all, Pavo’s patient has replaced Onoda’s patient with that dim-witted old Male, so I’m going to bet that now would be a perfect time for you to suggest a little devilry.
In fact, as usual, I have the perfect suggestion for you to use. You should suggest that your patient claim to have suddenly become a new follower of the Enemy and offer his services to the new leading varmint on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere. This is a very apt suggestion because His ranks are a bunch of gullible fools who sometimes let their excitement about expanding His influence supersede any intelligence about fake disciples that I’ve planted in their midst.
At any rate, by suggesting that your patient offer his services to the new leading varmint on the little archipelago in the middle of nowhere, I obviously don’t mean the type of services that the Enemy purports to give His ranks whenever they whine to Him. What I mean is something along the lines of your patient bribing his way into a position of importance so that he can extort money and favors from the vermin who he previously worked with in exchange for not holding them accountable for their past great sins.
Do you know what the great part about that suggestion is? The great part is that it’s such a hypocritical suggestion, just like the Enemy who your patient would claim to serve. I’m telling you, inciting your patient to do something like that would signal to me that you’re doing a decent job because your varmint would be doing exactly what I would do if I was a worthless pathetic varmint.
You know, I’m really delighted that the Enemy’s supposedly great and vicious roar is really just a tiny pathetic mew because I’ve heard rumors, though I obviously don’t believe them, that His so-called grace makes a hideous sound in the vermin’s ear and I wouldn’t want your patient to ever be subjected to it.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that you’ve gotten your patient so fouled up in dangers, toils, and snares that the Enemy would never want to release him from them, but don’t get stupid on me and let your guard down because, unfortunately, He is very competitive with me when it comes to the vermin’s souls.
I’m telling you, He is always singing that same old song about supposedly leading the vermin safely home to His own Country if they accept His cheap gift of so-called grace.
So, let me be clear, you’d better not let your patient hear the Enemy’s voice because He’ll just spew out His nonsensical old tune and spoil everything that I’ve worked so hard to mold your patient into.
Well, oh my me, I’ve certainly written a lot, haven’t I? In fact, I think that I’ve done all the coaching that I’m willing to put into an inept little moron like yourself so let me just emphasize one final warning before I sign off. All you have to remember is that the harvest is plentiful, but my workers are few so you’d better not mess up again. After all, I’m not a patient Devil and I demand daily results.
The Loathsome, Frightening, Power-Hungry,
Tash
(all honor and glory to me)
Author’s Notes: Cabfact comes to us via a combination of two different references. First, a “caboceer” is the word, of portuguese origin, for an African native who was assigned by his leader to supply slaves to Europeans during the slave trade. Second, the “Factor” was the man in charge of the slaves once they reached the African coast until they were loaded onto the slaves ships. I combined the words because Pug seems to have the duties of both positions.
Onoda is Governor Gumpas’ demon.
Bible verses: 1 Cor. 2:9; Matt. 24:36; Mark 13:32; Rom. 5:6-8; 2 Peter 3:9; Matt. 18:2-5; Deut. 31:6; Heb. 13:5-6; Job: 1:9-11, 2:4-5, 42:10-16; Matt. 5:10-12; Psalm 91:11-12; Luke 4:10-11; 1 Kings 19:11-13; Rom. 13:1-5; John 10:10; James 1:5; Matt: 6:9-13, 28:18-20; John 17:20-23, 20:29; Acts 17:11-12; Ex. 3:14; Acts 16:19-23; Matt. 7:15-23, 10:16; 1 John 5:14-15; Acts 8:18-23, 13:22; Psalm 121:1-8; Eph. 2:3-10; 1 Cor. 1:18-19, 2:14; Matt. 9:37-38; Luke 10:2-3